Let's Go Back to the Start
by choose joy xox
Summary: "I'm there. I'm right there. You feel the breeze on your face? That's me brushing your hair out of your eyes. You feel the sun warming your face? That's me making sure that you're not too cold. Did you manage to catch yourself as you walked up the steps? That's me making sure that you never fall." PS I Love You, Spoby style!
1. Chapter 1

**Omg. Okay so the other day I was watching PS I Love You and then I was like crap. Crap, crap, crap crap CRAP this would make a great Spoby story. And I hate myself for even thinking it, but it was one of those ideas that burrow down into your mind and just wouldn't let go. It had to be written.**

**This WILL be sad. Duh. But I also plan on doing a lot of flashback chapters, so they won't be entirely 100% sad! There will be some happy! But a lot of that happy will make the sad all the more tragic! Anyways yeah. I hope you still read this!**

**I made a mistake writing this in public hahaha. I'm in the library working on my finals, and I was like eh I can't focus. I'll start writing this story. And I busted out this first chapter. And by this point I'm sure most of you know I have no impulse control when it comes to my writing. When I have a chapter done I just have to post it :).**

**ANYWAYS, review and let me know what you think, alright? The next chapter will be up when I get a chance to write it, but I need to update my other story first :). Anyways, happy reading!**

Chapter 1

She carefully held the mascara wand up to her eye and blinked a few times, smearing the black liquid onto her lashes. It was a needless endeavor because the moment the wand touched the small hairs the black was absorbed by her tears, and it traveled down her face giving her a macabre kind of makeover.

With a makeup wipe in hand she carefully removed the black and tried again, but she was met with the same futile results. This was pointless. The tears hadn't stopped flowing since her world ended a week ago. It had been seven days. **Seven days. **The sun was shining. She could hear the laughter of children traveling up from the street and into her apartment window. Birds still chirped in the mornings. People woke up and began their typical morning routine. But for her that was all over. Nothing mattered anymore, and it was hard to believe that any thing would ever matter again.

She reached into her pocket and removed the well-worn picture that was folded within. Her heart ached as her eyes racked over the perfect image of his body. His tousled brown hair, his piercing blue eyes, and his perfectly sculpted body. The tears flowed even more freely. As if she could ever forget a single inch of his body. It was the other things that she was worried about. The gentle caress of his calloused hands. The way he looked at her like she was the most precious thing in the world. The way his eyes flashed in amusement when she dissolved into a particularly manic state. The way he said her name; the way the two syllables flowed off of his tongue as though he were dehydrated and her name was the hydration that his body was so desperately seeking. The things that mattered the most were the things that she was terrified of forgetting.

Suddenly the grief was replaced by a white, hot ball of rage in the pit of her stomach. She threw her mascara across the room and used her free hand to punch the mirror. The glass burrowing into her skin was a small twinge of discomfort compared to the all-consuming pain that was overtaking her heart. He was gone. He was gone, and she was never going to see him again.

Why did it have to be- him? She couldn't even think his name. Why did he have to go? He was so good; so kind, so pure, and so gentle. He was the best of humanity, but some cruel, higher power decided to take him from the world. There were so many people who deserved to die. Criminals, rapists, and just genuinely terrible people. To- He wasn't one of them. _He should have lived. _

Hell, even she deserved to die more than he did. And God knows that she would have taken his place if that were an option. Every needle into his arm, every time his stomach overturned into the toilet, every time he cried because he couldn't take the pain any more- that was all infinitely worse than had she had to feel it for herself. He didn't deserve it. He deserved to live a long, healthy life. **He didn't deserve to die.**

Between her tears she stumbled across the room and wrenched open the closet. She shifted through the hangers until she found what she was looking for. She quickly shed her black dress and undergarments and buttoned up his light blue dress shirt that she had pulled from the hanger. She couldn't be with him. She couldn't relax into his embrace like she had so many times. This was as close as she could get. Her skin could be flush against something that had once touched his skin.

She lifted the collar up over her nose and breathed in deeply. She could still smell his scent. It was like nothing that she had ever smelled before. There was his cologne. Some woodsy scent that he enjoyed. But there was more to it; saw dust, his shampoo, baby powder, and something that she could never quite grasp. If she closed her eyes should could imagine that it was like any other night. She stole her shirt like she always did after a round of love making. He thought it was because she was cold, but really she just hated to see him cover up his body. Maybe he was in the bathroom, and she was laying on the bed waiting for-

No. She shook her head and snapped her eyes open. No, she had to stop that, because if she let herself believe that he was still here it would hurt all the more when she had to remind herself that he was gone.

She closed her eyes again with a heavy heart and remembered the last time that she saw him wear that shirt.

_"Toby, I've been ready for an hour! What's taking you so long? You showered already. What else could you possibly have to do?"_

_He walked out of the bathroom in a long sleeve, button up, blue, dress shirt that was unbuttoned. It revealed his toned chest, and she was momentarily distracted from the fact that they were running late and that he wasn't wearing any pants. "I'm nervous."_

_He totally wasn't trying to look adorable, which made his lost puppy look all that much cuter. "What are you nervous about?"_

_"I- I don't know. I just want your parents to like me."_

_As always, whenever he felt insecure due to her parents' disapproval her eyes flashed with poorly concealed rage. Why could they not see what she saw when she looked at Toby? She couldn't have ended up with anyone better than him. "We don't have to go if you don't want too." But even as she said it she could hear the reluctance in her voice. As annoyed as she was with her parents she really did love them. And she hardly ever got to see them due to their blatant dislike of her husband of two years. Because if she had to choose between them she would choose Toby every single time for a million different reasons; not the least of which was the fact that he was the one who didn't ask her to choose._

_"No. No, I don't want you to have to choose between me and them, Spence." He said sincerely, reminding her just why she was so incredibly lucky to have found him._

_"You know that I don't care what they have to say, sweetheart. You're always my first choice." She scrambled up off of the bed and leaned on her tip toes to press a careful kiss to his pouting lips. She could feel that they were chapping slightly and made a mental note to get him some chapstick._

_He nodded and kissed her again one last time before walking back into the bathroom. She sighed and went back to sit on the bed and wait for him to finish getting ready. She wished he wouldn't be so nervous. Her family was never going to be thrilled with their relationship. Toby was perfectly fine just being a carpenter, but they wanted her to be with a lawyer or a doctor. But that wasn't what she wanted. All she wanted was Toby._

_"Spence-" Toby began quietly as he walked back into the bedroom, but before he could finish he tripped up over the hems of the pants that he was just pulled on. He fell hard to the ground, his limbs were sprawled out, and his boxer covered butt was up high in the air. "Oh my God," she laughed and jumped up off of the bed. "Toby are- are you alright," she asked him between her laughter._

_He stuck his bottom lip out in a pout and untangled himself. She got on her knees and put a hand on his shoulder, but before she could check him over for injuries he wrapped both arms around her waist and pulled her to the floor. He hovered over her for a moment, just looking at her. If she wasn't one hundred percent certain that Toby Cavanaugh loved her she would be right now. Her heart ached with love for him. In that moment she couldn't ever imagine loving anyone or anything as much as she loved him. He brushed a hand over her cheek and peered into her eyes like she was the only person in the world; like she was all that mattered to him. He dropped a kiss to her lips, and pulled away, hovering slightly above her. His lips were almost on her own. They tugged into a soft smile. "Spencer, I love you so much. More than anything," he whispered._

_"I love you too."_

Spencer was torn from her memories by a loud rapping on the door. If whoever was on the other end of the door thought that she was getting up they were in for a sore sense of disappointment. But she needn't have worried. The sound of a key in the lock was the next noise that reached her ears.

In the past she would have tried to wipe away the tears or made herself presentable, but she literally had no desire to do anything. She didn't want to move, she didn't want to open her eyes. God, she didn't even want to breath. If she could spend the rest of her life wrapped up in Toby's shirt alone on the bed she would do it. But she strongly suspected that it was her friends on the other end of the door, and they weren't going to let her do that.

"Spencer?"

She cringed at the sound of Hanna's voice. Had it been anyone else she might have been able to ignore them, but Hanna wouldn't let her stay curled up in bed. But she didn't answer. She wasn't going to talk to them. She wasn't going to even acknowledge them.

"Spencer, come on. We're going to be late." The bed shifted as Hanna sat down next to her. Her hand gently cupped her shoulder, but she flinched away from the contact. She had literally no intention of letting anyone touch her. She didn't want to be comforted. She didn't want placated words. She just wanted Toby.

And with a flash of horror she realized that she said his name. Tears streamed down her cheeks, and a quiet sob ripped through her throat. This was pain like she never felt before. How was she ever going to survive this?

Hanna wrapped her arms around Spencer and hauled her upward. She kept her in her arms and tucked her face into her neck. "Spencer what did you do to your hand?" Hanna's cool fingers carefully pried Spencer's out of her tight fist. "You need to let me clean this up."

Spencer shook her and tried to stifle her sobs, but it wasn't working. She couldn't be comforted, because there was no way to make this better. Nothing Hanna could do or say would ever bring Toby back.

Hanna stayed patient and just gently rubbed her hand up and down Spencer's spine, doing the best she could to calm her down. "Spence, you know that Toby wouldn't want this. You know he wouldn't."

"I know-" she choked out between her sobs. She pushed up off of Hanna and retrieved her dress from its discarded place on the ground. There was no more avoiding it. It was time to go say goodbye to the love of her life.


	2. Chapter 2

**I sobbed like an idiot while writing this. FYI and fair warning. Holy crap, I didn't anticipate how emotional it would be to write this.**

**I had a REALLY REALLY REALLY bad day today. Make it better and review? Please?! **

**Also, I can't NOT dedicate this to AlwayYouTobyCavanaugh. Were you seriously looking for a PS I Love You Spoby story? Because that's kind of freaky?! We're obviously connected. PLL Best Friend Mind Twins, duh.**

**Honorable mention to tobyequalshottness for being the first reviewer! You're the bestest :)**

**Okay, read and review!**

Chapter 2

To death do us part. It was just something you said at your wedding. The words that you distractedly utter to get to the good part; the part where the minister pronounces you married. But Spencer now had a new appreciation for her wedding vows. Except they were wrong. Death didn't part her and Toby. She saw him everywhere. He was there as they passed by the tree where the two of them shared their first kiss. He was there as they passed the hill that they would frequent in their youth when they just needed to escape. He was there as they pulled up in front of the church that they would pass on their walks. He was in the car with them as his favorite song came on the radio. He was everywhere. There was no escaping the memories; not that she wanted to, because they were all that she had left of him. And as much as they hurt she would cling to them for dear life.

She walked slowly into the church with her head down. It served a dual purpose, really. It hid her face from the world. Her eyes were swollen and painful, and there were red tear tracks down her cheeks. She had finally managed to stop crying, but she hadn't bothered to put on any makeup. What was the point? It also ensured that she wouldn't have to face any of the pity filled eyes. She could imagine the thoughts running through people's minds. Here she comes, the 26 year old widow.

_Widow. _It was such a depressing word. Alone. She was alone. And the worst part was that she wanted to stay that way. She didn't want empathy. She didn't want company. She just wanted to sit alone and saturate herself in the memories of Toby. She wanted to remember the way that he held her when she was sad. She wanted to remember the way that he kissed her to quiet her insecurities. She wanted to remember the way that he made her feel beautiful just by looking at her. Maybe if she was lucky she would die in the midst of one of her memories. At this point she couldn't think of a better way to go.

This pain was intense and all-consuming. She couldn't imagine anything else ever hurting this badly. But even through the pain she recognized that it was better than the alternative. Because as much as she was hurting from the loss of Toby, she knew that she this was preferable to having never met him. She would rather have an eternity in hell with Toby than be in heaven with anyone else.

Loving Toby wasn't something that she had expected. He kind of just snuck up on her. Little by little he stole portions of her heart until she was too far gone. He was everything. _Everything. _And she had no idea how she was going to learn to live without him in her life. He was the only one who made her feel happy when she was at her saddest. He was the only one that could make her feel worth something when she was at her most insecure. He was the only one who could talk her down when she was at her most livid. She needed him like she needed the air she was breathing.

Sometimes it scared her to think how easily she could have missed all of it. How easy it would have been for her to turn away that day that her and Toby first started connecting, and how different her life would have been had she been more cowardly.

_"Fucking loser."_

_Spencer's head whipped up from her conversation with Emily to see which poor student Noel Kahn was bullying now. She was slightly shocked when she took in the disheveled hair of Toby Cavanaugh. Noel shoved him again into some lockers, but Toby just stood there and took the abuse._

_Emily sighed and pointedly looked away. Her and Toby were friends, but Spencer knew that she was too timid to stand up for him in a hallway filled with people. "Why does he just take it? He could kick Noel's ass. Look at those arms!"_

_She shook her head. "He's too- nice. I don't know how else to describe it. He wouldn't hurt a fly, let alone an actual person."_

_That confused her, because she had always been taught to stand up for herself. "But Noel deserves it."_

_"Let's just suffice it to say that Toby's been through some stuff that would cause him to think twice about hurting another person."_

_She didn't know what Emily meant, but she knew enough to know that she had to put a stop to this. It wasn't right to just stand by and let Noel hurt someone who was apparently a decent enough person to not react even though he was more than capable. Spencer shoved through the crowd and interjected herself between Noel and Toby._

_Noel, who was as Neanderthal-like as they came, wasn't enough of a prick to hit a girl. "Get out of the way, Hastings."_

_"Not a chance in hell, Noel. Don't you have practice? Or did you lose your balls?" She didn't know where that came from, but she had to fight to keep the smile off of her face. That was a good one._

_"Wow, insulted by the school nerd. How am I ever going to go on?" Noel responded dramatically, raising his hand to his forehead as though he felt faint._

_Spencer rose her eyebrows in his direction. He wasn't calling her a nerd last week when he grabbed her ass in bio. "At least I won't be flipping burgers at McDonald's when I'm 50. You better watch your calories, Noel. I'm seeing quite the beer belly in your future."_

_He rolled his eyes and stalked off down the hallway, his loyal herd of lackies following closely behind him._

_As soon as Noel was out of sight Spencer spun around and held a hand out for Toby. He took he gratefully as she helped pulled him to his feet. He looked at her curiously. "Why'd you do that?"_

_That wasn't what she was expecting. Maybe a quiet thank you, or perhaps he would just walk off down the hallway without another word. She wasn't expecting him to question her with quite that degree of confidence. "I- I don't know. I guess I don't like to watch stuff like that happen. I don't know what he has against you, but you didn't deserve that."_

_He tilted his head to the side, and for all the world she felt like his bright, blue eyes were peering into her very soul. It was quite the disconcerting feeling. "You're different than I thought you'd be."_

_"Is that good or bad?" She wasn't really sure what he was even saying, but she knew that this was certainly going to be the weirdest conversation that she had all day._

_"Do you want to get coffee with me after school?"_

_She definitely wasn't expecting that. But even as her eyebrows shot up into her hairline in shock she found herself feeling agreeable. "Sure, why not?"_

She had had no idea what she was starting by stepping in that day, but now that she knew there was no way that she would trade it for anything in the world.

"Spencer?"

Hanna had led her to the pew in the front row while she was lost in her thoughts. She didn't look up, but she was glad to know that Emily was there. If anyone loved Toby as much as she did it was Emily. "Hey," she breathed, not feeling up to speaking any louder.

"Do- do you want to go see him?"

No. She didn't. She didn't think that she was prepared for that at all. But she knew that she had too because the funeral was to start soon, and they would take him away immediately after the service. Her heart ached at even the thought of seeing his body dead and cold, but she knew that it was absolutely necessary. She would regret it forever if she didn't go see him one last time.

She didn't bother responding to Emily. She knew that she was being rude, but hopefully her friends gave her a pass. It was well deserved. She slowly pulled herself upward and walked to the casket, the dread growing in her stomach with every single step that she took. She reached the casket and grasped the smooth, wooden edges so tightly that her knuckles turned white.

Any sense of self control she had garnished shattered like a piece of weakened glass at the sight of his face. Just when she thought that she couldn't cry anymore the tears flowed freely. They went streaming down her face and bounced off of their landing point on his skin. "Toby," she sobbed quietly.

Her trembling fingers reached out to stroke his cheek. It was a path that she had taken so many times in the past. A gentle trail over the smooth skin from his temple to the small groove in his chin, sometimes her fingers werr pricked by his stubble. But this was different. There was no warmth. She couldn't see blood pooling beneath her fingers. He was cold, still, and almost wax-like.

Her sobs continued hard and fast, but she couldn't look away. It took her a moment, but she finally realized that it was because for the first time in a year he finally looked peaceful. She was glad that he wasn't suffering anymore, but God, she wished that it hadn't meant that he had to leave her. What was she supposed to do without him? How was she supposed to say goodbye to the man that changed her entire life?

He knees weakened as she realized that this was the last time she would see his face. Sure, there were pictures and videos, but this was him. This was his body. This was the face that she had caressed when he was sad. These were the lips that had explored her body so many times. These were the hands that held her up when she couldn't stand anymore. And now she had to say goodbye.

"I-I love y-you," she stuttered. "Oh God. T-Toby, I love you s-so much. Forever, baby. F-forever." She ducked down and pressed her lips to his cold forehead, lingering much longer than she anticipated. But she couldn't let go. She couldn't leave him. This was it. "I love you," she whispered again. Her voice had more strength behind it. But it was the words, not her. Because she did love him. She loved him with every part of her heart and her soul; now and forever. Death wouldn't change that. He was it for her. "I love you," she said one final time, as she tore herself away from him.

Hands met her as she stumbled backward, too blinded by her tears to see. She knew it had to have been Caleb, though. Neither Emily nor Hanna had hands that were that large or rough. He helped her back into her seat just as the ceremony began.

She tuned out most of it. She didn't need reminding of how wonderful her husband was. She lived it every single day.

"And now we'll hear a few words from Toby's wife, Spencer."

She was seriously regretting agreeing to speak, but she would suck it up. It was for Toby. She shakily stood to her feed and tried to brush the tears away, but it wasn't working. There was no point in even trying. She would probably cry from now until eternity. She stood at the podium looking down at Toby for a moment before beginning to speak. "When I was asked to talk I originally wanted to refuse. I fully anticipated being a mess, which I seem to have correctly predicted." She indicated her tear-stained, make-up free face, earning a few chuckles from those in attendance.

"I really have to apologize in advance, because I can tell you right now that I'm not going to get through this without- well, crying harder. So just pretend you can understand me." People chuckled again, but she wasn't trying to be funny. She just thought it would be less embarrassing if she got it out of the way now. "I was going to refuse, but then I remembered a conversation I had with T-Toby right before he- he um- he passed away." She swallowed back the sob that was threatening to erupt from her emotion-constricted throat.

"Toby made me promise that I wouldn't let people forget who he was. I was confused by that until he went on to clarify that he wanted people to remember who he was before he got sick. So I'm going to do just that. I assume that you're here today because you knew Toby in some capacity. Whether it was through school, work, support groups, whatever. Thank you. **Thank you **for coming out to honor him today. He would love it if he could see you all here."

She smiled softly and retracted her former statement. "Actually, no he wouldn't. He would be so embarrassed to be the center of attention." And she was gratified by some nods of agreement. "Toby was wonderful. He was the best man that I've ever known. He was kind, gentle, sweet, patient, and just every other good thing in the world. I swear, there was nothing bad in him. There was only good. But he was also shy. He didn't like being the center of attention, and he didn't like being praised."

She glanced down at Toby again, but this time she smiled through here tears. "Well tough shit, baby. Sorry for cursing in a church," she added hastily. "But tough shit. You left me, so I'm going to have to tell everyone how you were the perfect husband, since you aren't around for them to see it. When I was sad he did everything I could to make me laugh. He looked past the annoying, know-it-all girl that most of you know and he saw the real me. He never let my insecurities blind me to who I really was. He reminded me of my strengths every single day. He never wavered in telling me how beautiful I was or how much he loved me. I'm sorry if this is a jumbled mess, but I didn't really prepare anything." Spencer apologized, and then took a breath to control herself. "I just- I can't say goodbye to him. I don't know how. I just-"

She shook her head, knowing that she was officially unable to continue. "I'm sorry-" she whispered into the microphone. If anyone in the church could discern her words between her loud sobs then she knew that she was going to be thoroughly impressed.

Hanna and Emily both immediately wrapped their arms around her, and the three girls sat together in a jumbled mess of trembling limbs and hysterical tears. She might have lost her husband, but both Hanna and Emily had lost an incredible friend. They were all feeling this loss.

Her eyes apprehensively looked back to the podium as Caleb took her place. He looked down at her for a moment before he began to speak. "Well, Spencer got all of the mushy stuff out of the way, so I can just tell you about the fun stuff. Spence-" he paused, a small smirk playing at his lips. "I am about a million percent certain that Toby never told you this story, so yeah. You enjoy." He looked upward, his smirk only growing. "Sorry bro, she was bound to find out at some point."

She did her best to quiet her cries, completely curious as to what Caleb was about to say. He shook his head to himself as he began his tale. "Okay, so right before he got married Toby was exceedingly difficult. I, and the other groomsmen, desperately wanted to throw him a bachelor party. But he always refused. _Bachelor parties are for people who are sad to be getting married, and I can't wait._ Pathetic really." Caleb winked at her, to let her know that he was kidding.

That definitely sounded like Toby, and she was a little scared as to where this story was going.

"So, we obviously had to throw him a surprise party. And for all of you men who have attended a bachelor party, you know it isn't complete without strippers. So we snuck Toby into a strip club." This time Caleb laughed. "I wouldn't be talking about a strip club in church, but I can't think of a better story to illustrate what kind of guy Toby was."

Was he kidding? He took her husband to a strip club on the eve of their wedding? As soon as he was within arms reach she was going to smack him upside the back of the head.

Caleb smirked at her as though he knew exactly what she was thinking. "Stop trying to disintegrate me with your laser vision, Spencer. I'm not done yet. Okay, so the second that Toby realized where we were he blushed this deep, tomato red and immediately closed his eyes. He put both hands over top of them to ensure that he didn't even get a peak. He tried to walk out with his eyes covered, and he wouldn't listen to us when we told him that it was a bad idea. He almost made it to the door, but he ended up tripping over someone else's shoe and landing smack dab in the lap of our old high school chemistry teacher."

Oh my God. Oh my God. Temporarily her tears were replaced by a short-term burst of laughter, because that was _s_o Toby. She wouldn't have really minded had he gone to a strip club. It wouldn't have thrilled her but she knew that he loved her, and that was what guys do on their last night before the wedding. But it was so Toby to refuse to go, and then to try to sneak away. Oh my God, she loved him. She loved him so much.

"So basically," Caleb began again. "Toby was the best of the best. He loved Spencer with every single fiber of his being, The main goal in his life was to make her happy. God, Spence I know he'd want to be here for you if he could. For all of you. If you knew Toby you knew how much he cared about everyone that was important to him. If he trusted you he would have climbed Mount freaking Everest to help you. The world is a worse place without him. I'll miss you buddy."

She'd miss him too. Her emotions were all over the place. She was thoroughly amused by Caleb's story, but she was still painfully and miserably devastated by her loss. But that was one thing she knew for certain. She would spend the rest of her life missing Toby Cavanaugh.


	3. Chapter 3

**BAH! Off to take six finals. I just wanted to get this up first! I hope you guys enjoy it. I think it's a LITTLE less sad!? IDK! This chapter was supposed to go very differently, but Spencer's memory got a little bit out of control.**

**Speaking of out of control, YOU GUYS ARE SERIOUSLY INCREDIBLE AND THE BEST. Did I just get 11 reviews!? On the second chapter of a story?! OMG! Can someone fangirl over their readers?! Because I'm about at that point! YOU ALL ARE WONDERFUL! You definitely made my horrible day better.**

**Speaking of making horrible days better, remember what I said about 6 finals?! HAAA. So horrible. Reviews would make me feel better! Hint, hint.**

Chapter 3

Her fingers trembled as she lifted her phone to check the time. 12:01 am. For the past hour she had been checking the time every five minutes or so, dreading the moment the numbers would tick past midnight. That meant it was the day that she had been wishing would never come.

"Happy Anniversary, baby," she whispered into the night.

He couldn't hear her. Or maybe he could. Ever since the funeral it was like she were surrounded by his presence. When she cried in the shower it honestly felt like he was right there with her. When she sprayed his cologne onto his shirt when it started to lose his smell it was as though she could feel his amused disapproval. When she thought about eating something she felt his encouragement. Maybe it was wishful thinking. Maybe it was just because she knew him so well. But no matter what the case was, it didn't change the fact that she felt him with every step that she took.

She wasn't an idiot. She knew the stages of grief. She was a text book example of isolation, and she literally could not find it within herself to care. Maybe she was moving into the depression stage early. All she knew was that she wanted to be alone with her thoughts and memories.

Because if anyone else were in her apartment with her then she would have had to deal with their pity stares. She wasn't pathetic. They would make her eat, but she had no appetite. They would make her get dressed and cleaned up, but then she would have to take Toby's shirt off. They would make her leave the apartment, but all she wanted was to be in the place where she last saw her husband alive. None of that was an option for her, so she ignored every call that she received. Logically, she knew someone would come looking for her eventually, but she would revel in the isolation for as long as she could.

She knew that she should be remembering happy moments. God knows she had her fair share. For every moment saturated by sadness and grief she had ten moments of pure joy and bliss. Her ten years with Toby were the best in her life, and she wouldn't give them up for anything. Despite the grief, sickness, and devastation that characterized their last year together, she was still more than thrilled with the life that she built with Toby. She just wished that it hadn't ended so soon. She wished that he hadn't left her. He was the light in her life, and now she had to learn how to navigate the dark world without him by her side.

But as hard as she tried to remember something good, the only thought that she could conjure was of their last anniversary. He had just been diagnosed, and the disease was quickly ravaging its way through his youthful body. She hadn't known how to handle it then, but she would learn in the months to come.

_It was interesting how quickly one could become accustomed to a hospital room. The constant barrage of nurses, the whitewashed walls, the subtle smell of urine floating through the air. When he first arrived she thought that she would never get used to it, but now all of those things were just background._

_"Spence!"_

_His urgent voice pushed through his tattered vocal chords. The one painful syllable was all it took for her to realize what he needed. In one smooth motion she carefully held the plastic bucket below his trembling chin. She rose from the chair just as he began to empty the contents of his stomach into the synthetic container._

_She balanced the bucket in one hand. Her body moved to the bed and perched lightly next to him and began to carefully run her hand up and down his back, trailing the path of his spine. She didn't offer up any bullshit words of advice. This sucked. He was living through hell, and nothing that she could say or do would make it any better._

_After a few retches the racking of his body finally stopped, and he leaned forward over the bucket, completely exhausted. "I'm sorry," he whispered._

_She grabbed the Wet Wipes from their strategically placed spot on the night stand and gently pushed on his shoulders, helping him back down. Once he was comfortably against the pillows she took his face into her hands and peered into his eyes. When she was sure that he was paying attention she let go of his face with one of her hands and began to carefully clean his mouth of any vomit residue. "You listen to me, Toby Cavanaugh, because I swear to you I better only have to say this once. You have **nothing **to apologize for. **Nothing. ** There is no way in the world that you could spin this as your fault."_

_"I feel like I'm ruining your life," he admitted softly._

_If he kept talking like that she was going to cry, and that wasn't an option right now. Maybe after he fell asleep. She looked into his eyes again, remembering from psychology that eye contact was often a key sign of sincerity. She could use all the help she could get. "You are not ruining my life. You're everything, Toby. There's no where else I'd rather be. From that first coffee on I was hooked. You're more addicting than caffeine," she said the last part in a teasing tone. Maybe some humor would cheer him up. The doctors had warned her about possible depression, and if she could help him avoid that she would._

_"It's our anniversary-" he trailed off sadly._

_"It is. I thought I'd go rent some movies? Maybe get some decent food if you think you can keep it down? If not I'll go hunt down the best soup this town has to offer." It sounded good to her, but she knew he wasn't going to like it. Toby was one for the big, romantic gestures. He was such a girl. He never forgot their anniversary, but she kind of wished he had this year. This was hard enough for him, without some feelings of overwhelming guilt._

_"You deserve better than this." The more he talked the sadder his voice got, and she wasn't having that._

_"I don't want better. I want you." She stroked his cheek thoughtfully for a moment, a small smile playing at the corners of her mouth. "I have a joke!"_

_"Oh God," he groaned, but her master plan worked. The sadness was gone, and it was replaced by an indulging smile. But she wasn't quite sure why he was groaning. Her jokes were the best._

_"This is the best one! I heard it at work the other day," she started to giggle at the thought of the punch line and at the fact that she was sounding exactly like Hanna. Maybe she should invite Hanna over when he was feeling a bit better. No one could stay sad around the bubbly blonde. "What do you call a fake noodle?"_

_"I don't know, what?" He laughed at her eagerness. Reason number infinity why she loved her husband. He always indulged in her ridiculousness. _

_"An imPASTA!" She laughed and leaned down to rest her head on the pillows next to him. She usually made it her policy to stay off of the bed. He was hooked up to so many machines that she was more likely to knock something life ruining off than she was to provide comfort. But right now she knew that he needed her, and she wasn't going anywhere._

_His free arm automatically wound around her and pulled her closer to him. "I'd kiss you right now, but I probably have nasty puke breath."_

_"You know," she began with a tired yawn. "I think that's a risk that I'm willing to take." She stretched her torso around and pressed a firm kiss to his slightly parted lips before he had a chance to protest._

_"Spence-" he murmured after pulling away. "I love you. And as hard as this is, it's a little less painful with you here with me."_

_"I love you too," she whispered, glad that he wasn't trying to convince her to leave. An overwhelming sadness settled in. "But you have to keep fighting this, Toby," she framed his face with her hands to ensure that he didn't look away from her, "if not for yourself then for me." That was manipulative and she hated herself for saying it, but it was true. "I- I can't live without you anymore, okay?"_

_He didn't say anything for a minute. He just looked at her, and when a tear slipped from her eye and trekked down her cheek he wiped it away with a smooth motion of his thumb. "I'm not going anywhere, Spencer."_

_His prognosis wasn't great, but she knew that he would fight it with everything in him. Because that's who he was. He was sweet, kind, and loving, but he was also determined. When he set his mind to something he never gave up. So maybe there was hope. "Do you want me to go get some movies or food or something?"_

_His arms tightened around her, and he shook his head quickly. "No. I don't want you to move from that spot."_

_Fine by her. If she could spend the rest of her life in bed next to Toby she would do it. She was going to say something else, but her words were lost as he urgently sat up and reached for his puke bucket again. She sat up next to him and rubbed his back again. She could tell from the way that he held himself that he was embarrassed, and that might have broken her heart more than anything else had. He had no reason to be embarrassed._

_"I'm sorry," he repeated pitifully once he was done._

_"Are you kidding?" She was going to have to fight depression with humor this time. It seemed to work better than words. "Do you remember when you came to visit me my senior year at UPenn?"_

_"I came to visit you more than once, if I recall correctly," he murmured, humor seeping into his sad tone._

_"Yes, but there's only one time I would be mentioning specifically in regards to puke..." She trailed off and looked at him questioningly._

_When he still didn't seem to remember she couldn't help but laugh. "Oh Lord, the things I must have put you through to make you forget that night. Hanna got me **really **drunk right after we finished finals. And you got there right in time for the aftermath."_

_A light of understanding flashed in his eyes. She smiled in satisfaction and continued. "You stayed with me all day in the bathroom even when I told you that you should go. You held my hair back, you wiped my face clean, and you force fed me crackers even when I told you to shove them up your ass."_

_"I know what you're trying to do Spence, but it was different."_

_"It was different! I did that to myself. This is not your choice, and if you think for one second that I'm going to leave you or that there's somewhere else I'd rather be you've truly lost your mind." That story turned out significantly less humorous than she had intended, but her point was valid. She was going no where._

_"I love you." His eyes were watery, but he somehow managed to keep it together._

_He sat the bucket down and pulled her back down onto the bed. They both clang to each other throughout the night. She didn't know his reasoning, but she knew that the only way that she was going to be able to remind herself that he was still there. He might not be okay, but maybe he would be. Maybe he would be able to beat this. And if he couldn't- No she didn't even want to think about that. He was here for now, and that's all that mattered._

At the time she had wished that they could have celebrated their anniversary outside of the hospital, but even that was preferable to this. She was the perfect picture of pathetic right now. She was curled up on their bed, on Toby's side, in Toby's work shirt. It was the only way she could feel close to him, so she would continue to do it.

God she wished she could go back to that girl on her last anniversary. Toby might have been in the hospital, he might have been devastatingly ill, but **he was alive. **She could hold him. She could kiss him. She could wipe away his tears. He could still tell her that he loved her. He could still touch her. It wasn't ideal, but anything, _anything, _was preferable to this.

She lifted the back of her hand to swipe away the tears that were still cascading down her cheeks. How long did it take for someone to run out of tears? It had been twelve days, and they still had yet to slow down. She couldn't bring herself to look at her face in the mirror, but if she did she was sure that whatever she saw wouldn't be good.

_Knock, knock_

She didn't react to the knocking on the door. She didn't want to see anyone, but if it was someone she could tolerate then they had a key.

The scratching of metal entering her lock burst her little bubble of isolation, and she felt an irrational surge of anger at whoever was on the other end of the door. She didn't want to see anyone, and they were forcing her to socialize.

"Spence?"

Emily. She supposed if she had to see anyone that Emily would be acceptable, and that was only because she knew that Emily's burden of grief was also very heavy. Toby was one of her best friends. But that still didn't mean she was going to talk to her.

"Oh, Spencer," Emily said softly. She felt the bed shift as her friend joined her on the mattress. "I thought I'd come check on you."

"Okay," she whispered, the words coming out painful from her current lack of use of her vocal cords.

"I also got your mail. You had a bunch of junk, but there was this creepy letter in there too. Someone must have slipped it into your box, because it doesn't have a stamp." Emily pressed the letter into her hands.

Spencer was going to just toss it onto the nightstand, because the last thing she wanted was to read some letter full of sympathy. She would take advantage of pity for as long as she could, as long as it meant that she could wear her dead husband's clothes and not move from her bed, but she didn't want to see or read it.

She was going to toss it, but her eyes caught something familiar about the handwriting on the envelope. She sat up with a start and traced over the soft indentations from the pen that had written her name across the envelope.

That wasn't possible.


	4. Chapter 4

**You guys are literally the best. I don't think anyone on this site as readers as amazing as mine! This chapter... is something. Yes, I cried. Mostly when I wrote the letter, and I imagined how unbelievably emotional it would be to get a letter from your dead husband.**

**This chapter also got away from me. None of that ending stuff was supposed to be there. NONE. It just happened. My inner characters had a lot to say. AH! Okay, so yeah, next chapter is about half done. So I'll post it eventually!**

**Review pleeeease! My last paper is due tomorrow, then I have two more tests and then GRADUATION ON SATURDAY! WOOO! I am 100% POSITIVE I will update before saturday, but you can consider all your pre-Saturday reviews as graduation presents! It's only nice :)**

**LOVE YOU!**

Chapter 4

Writing was such a mindless task. From the moment you finally learned to discern the incomprehensible squiggles into words and phrases penmanship simply became second nature. But now the process was weighing heavy on her mind, because this was either a cruel joke or it was a gift, the likes of which she hadn't expected.

It was hard to get ten years into a relationship without memorizing your significant other's handwriting. Every curve, every irregularity, every slant of Toby's script was forever seared on her broken heart. "Emily..." she breathed softly. "Em, where'd you get this?"

"In your mailbox?" Her innocent tone immediately struck Emily off of her suspect list.

But someone had to have done this. This couldn't be from Toby, could it?

"Spencer, what's wrong?" At some point during the course of Spencer's internal monologue Emily had sat up next to her and grabbed her arm. "Are you okay?"

She shook her head and carefully slit the letter open. She didn't know if this was real, but on the off chance that it was she took extra precautions to preserve the envelope. Now that he was gone she wanted every part of him that she could get. His hand might have brushed across the paper as he penned her name. His tongue might have moistened the adhesive. It was a part of him.

She carefully unfolded the letter, forcing her eyes to read it slowly. The more she took in the more sure she was of its authenticity. This wasn't something to be devoured and forgotten. No, these were his words. He might not be there to speak them to her, but they were things that he wanted her to know. It might be the last original thoughts that she ever got from the person that she loved the most in the world. No, she was going to savor this.

**Spencer,**

**God, that doesn't seem like a good enough greeting for you. What else could I say though? Is there even a word to express what I feel for you? You know who you are, and you know what you mean to me. I love you so much.**

**I have to write this fast. I told you that I had an undeniable McDonald's craving, so you jumped up to go get me some french fries. You're way too excited about the possibility of getting me fat, baby. I've got to tell you. But I've got to get this written before you get back or you'll suspect my master plan.**

**I know that you have to be confused right now, and I'm sure you're rolling your eyes at the morbidity of it all; except you're probably saying it much more poetically than I ever could. Just go with it. I'll explain soon. Don't try to figure it out, because it's way too clever. I've known you about ninety percent of my life, Spencer Hastings, and I've loved you for a huge chunk of it. I know you, and I've Spencer-proofed this.**

**Spencer, I just- God, baby I love you so much. I love you so much that it hurts every day to think that I'm going to end up leaving you alone. You have to know that if I could have done anything about it I would have. I never wanted to leave you. I wanted to spend every single day with you. I wanted to be there to hold you when you were sad. I wanted to kiss away your insecurities. I wanted to share your victories. I wanted it all. I'm so sorry I'm not there.**

**Happy anniversary, by the way. I'm just sitting here imagining life without you, and I just can't even bear thinking about it. But I know who you are, Spencer. I know who you are better than anyone, and I know that you'll be okay. You're shaking your head, I know you are. But it's true, baby. I promise you that it's true. You can do anything. It just may take some time, but I'll help you. I promise.**

**But considering the significance of today, I thought you could use a little help. Do you remember our first anniversary? You got me good. I was sad that we couldn't be together, but I accepted it; I walk into my apartment and them BAM romantic dinner. Hold onto those memories, okay? Remember those times. Don't dwell in the sadness. Remember the good times that we had together, because God knows we had our fair share of those. But above everything else just remember how much I love you. I love you Spencer. Loving you was the best part of my life.**

**Last thing, go outside at some point today. I know you probably haven't left the apartment. I wouldn't have either. But it's our anniversary! You have to celebrate, even if I'm not there to join you. You can't refuse the dying/dead man. Go!**

**I love you.**

**Toby.**

She felt Emily gently pry the letter from her trembling hands. It was as though she lost the ability to move or to even think. He- He just knew her so well. He knew that she'd have trouble moving on. He knew that she'd be upset. This didn't fix anything, but it- it did something. She wasn't even sure what it did. It felt like someone kicked her in the stomach and then let butterflies loose in her digestive system.

All she was sure of was that just when she thought she couldn't love Toby Cavanaugh any more the idiot proved her wrong. Her love for him was growing even from beyond the grave.

She couldn't stop a small smile from playing at her lips from the memories of their first anniversary.

_Spencer's stomach clenched in sheer nervous energy. This was either going to end wonderfully or it was going to end terribly. He wouldn't be mad that she had misled him, would he?_

_She was about to find out, she thought ruefully to herself as she checked his text message. Her nana's lasagna was bubbling in the oven, the recipe surprisingly easy to follow. A bottle of red wine that she had swiped from her father's stash was artfully placed among the candles on the table. The table was made, the salad was resting in a bowl next to the wine. All she needed was Toby._

_She looked up expectantly as she heard the sound of a key in the lock. She panicked for a moment, having not thought of what to do at this point. Quickly she decided just to sit down and wait for him to notice her. It would work best that way, probably._

_His head was down as he slipped into the loft. Her position was perfect for observing him, because he wouldn't see her right away. When he looked up the shock on his face was priceless. She couldn't hold back a small giggle._

_At the sound of her voice his head immediately turned to her hiding spot, and his confusion immediately transformed into the easy smile that he always wore when he looked at her. "Did you do this?" He approached her and held out both hands to help her up. She took his hands, but instead of just helping her up he pulled her all the way into his warm embrace. "I seriously love you, Spencer."_

_They had been dating for a year, but hearing him say those words still felt like a novelty. It felt like a gift. Who was she to deserve someone as incredible as Toby Cavanaugh? "I love you too. I'm sorry for tricking you. I just thought it would be more fun this way."_

_"Well, it was certainly a shock," he mumbled with his lips against the top of her head. "But a good one. So there was no dinner with your family?"_

_"Are you kidding? Do you really think I would have let a stupid little dinner keep me from celebrating our anniversary?" She leaned backward and pressed a passionate kiss to his lips, cutting off any reply that he would have had._

_She reluctantly pulled away and tilted her head to the side with a soft smile. "Are you hungry?"_

_"Starved actually. Whatever you made smells great." He slid a gentle hand down her arm and interlocked her fingers with his. He pulled a chair out for her, but she looked up at him questioningly. This was her dinner. She should be serving him. He rolled his eyes and guided her down onto the chair. "You did all the work. At least let me serve you."_

_She nodded, feeling agreeable to just about anything right now. Growing up she always knew she would get married one day, but she didn't think it would be for love. She thought that she would end up with some doctor or lawyer that her parents picked out for her. It wasn't that she was close to marrying anyone right now, but she could one day see herself ending up with Toby. He loved her without conditions, and it was the first time in her life that she felt that way. He cared for her and looked after her like she was the most important thing to him. She knew that a majority of it was his background. The things that he had been through had taught him to approach love carefully, but then once he felt love he expressed it unconditionally and uncontrollably. She was lucky to have him._

_"Spence?"_

_She blinked a few times and looked back up at him, leaving behind her contemplative thoughts. He smiled at her and reached across the table for her hand. "Where were you?" He chucked._

_"Just thinking about how much I love you," she admitted. "And how lucky I am to have you."_

_He put down his fork and stood up, leaning across the table and kissing her. She could feel his hands gently running down her back, always so gently. He tasted like tomato sauce and smelled like a mix between a forest and a piece of freshly cut wood. Her chest burned with love for him. It was enough to bring her to her knees, but luckily the strong hands of the person she loved the most in the world held her up._

"Oh Spencer-" Emily's sad sigh tore her from her memories, and the smile immediately left her face.

Yeah, she had those memories, but what was the good in thinking about them? It only made her all the more devastated over what she lost. It wasn't just that she lost her husband. It was that she lost the most pure and true form of love imaginable. She lost her best friend, her support system, her protector, her life. She lost everything in one go. What were you supposed to do when the worst thing happened? How were you supposed to recover from that? How were you supposed to go on?

"Where do you want to go?" Emily's hand was soft on her arm, trying to attract her attention.

Was she kidding? Spencer shrugged Emily's hands off and laid back on the bed, curling up into a ball. She clasped her arms around her legs and buried her face in her knees. She didn't want to do anything. Especially not today.

"Spencer, Toby was pretty clear. You need to leave the apartment." Emily's voice was tentative.

"Well Toby's not here, is he?" Her voice was soft and broken. It was almost embarrassing, but what else was she supposed to say? It was true.

The bed shifted as Emily laid down next to her and put her hands back on Spencer's arms. Spencer immediately shrugged away, but Emily didn't relent. She pulled Spencer to her, but even while Spencer struggled she knew how wonderful it felt to be touched, to be comforted. She didn't want pity, but she hadn't even realized how greatly she craved physical comfort. She leaned into Emily's embrace and tried desperately to control her tears, but it didn't work.

Her stomach ached and tears ran down her cheeks. A racking cough forced its way through her sore throat. Her renewed sobs were bordering on hysterical. "I-" She chocked out and tucked her face into the crook of Emily's neck. "Why?" Why did Toby have to leave her? Why did he have to go? Why did he have to leave her alone?

Her limited words were distorted by her painful sobs, but somehow Emily knew exactly what she was asking. "He loved you Spencer. You can't possibly doubt that. _He loved you. _You were his world, Spence. I don't think that you could have noticed it, but his face lit up every single time he saw you. If he was mad he immediately relaxed when you walked into the room. If he was sad you were the only person that could make him feel better. You were everything to him. He never would have left you if he had any choice in it. He loved you Spencer. He spent most of his life loving you, and it never lessened. It never waned."

She shook her head. Not because she didn't believe Emily's words, but because did believe them. She knew that Emily was right, but that didn't make this any easier. She tried to control herself long enough to formulate a response, but she truly couldn't calm down. Loud sobs rocked through her entire body. Most of the time Spencer prided herself on her control, but this? She wasn't capable of anything right now. She couldn't calm down. She couldn't slow the flow of the tears. Hell, she could barely breath.

Spencer could feel the trembling of Emily's hands as she stroked her hair. "You guys were an example. You **are **an example. I've never had what you two had. And if I didn't see the living embodiment of true love in front of me every single day I might have given up on it. I might have settled for less than I deserved. But the two of you together showed me that it was real. That there's someone out there for me that's worth waiting for. I only wish I had gotten a chance to thank Toby for that knowledge too. I know that this is hard, Spencer. I know that it's an impossible situation. How are you supposed to move on from this? And I don't know what to tell you. I don't know how it'll be possible. But I know that if anyone can do it it's you."

"Why did he leave me?" Spencer sobbed. She rubbed the back of her hand across her nose, trying to swipe away some of the disgusting snot bubbles that were settling there. She couldn't remember a time when she had cried like this. Not when she broke her arm. Not when her nana died. Not when she found out what that disgusting bitch, Jenna, was doing to Toby. Never.

And she knew why. Because nothing had ever hurt this badly in her life, and she couldn't imagine ever feeling this kind of pain again. She went from feeling a debilitating sense sadness to an all-consuming pain. One moment she would lay, curled up in bed, dwelling on the fact that she would never see Toby again. She would never hear him tell her that he loved her. They would never get to do all of the things that they had planned to do together. She would never carry his children. They wouldn't grow old together like they had always planned. She wasn't just mourning Toby. She was mourning the whole life that they had planned to build together. They life that she had grown to count on. The life that she thought that she had all the time in the world to begin, and the life that she would never have now. Then the next minute that sadness turned into a pain so intense that it felt like a pair of claws were mercilessly ripping her heart out of her chest. How was she supposed to go on.

"Right before he died Toby and I had a conversation," Emily began carefully. "It was right before they sent him home, and you had been in the hospital with him for 72 hours straight. He sent you to get some food. I remember his eyes watching your back until he was certain that you were gone. When he turned back to me his eyes were welling up with tears. You think your crying is bad? This I can handle. I don't want to see you cry, don't get me wrong, but Toby crying was the literal worst thing in the world."

She finally was able to stifle her sobs, but the tears didn't slow. It was progress all the same. She nodded against Emily's shoulders, knowing exactly what she meant. Before he got sick she had seen him cry exactly one time, and that wasn't a memory that she cared to relive, even in her most painful moments.

Emily continued to stroke her hair as she continued, her free hand tightening around Spencer's body. "He just looked at me for a second, the tears welling up and spilling down his cheeks. I wanted to comfort him, but you knew Toby better than anyone. You know that wouldn't have worked on him. So I just sat on the edge of the bed and held his hand until he was ready to talk. He nodded a few times to himself, like he was trying to work himself up to telling me what he needed to tell me."

"What did he say?" Spencer whispered through Emily's pause. She didn't like anything that made him cry, but she knew that Emily must have had a purpose in regaling this particular story in the midst of her breakdown.

"He told me that he knew he was going to die. He could feel the sickness spreading, and that he was feeling weaker every day. He assured me that he'd keep fighting, but he knew that it was a fight that he'd lose. And he told me that- that you were what was keeping him holding on. He knew that you'd react like this, and he made me promise t-that I wouldn't let you waste away. He made me promise to be there for you. Don't make me break my last promise to him, Spence. Let me help you."

Now Emily was crying, and that wasn't something that she was okay with. Try as she might, her protective instincts reared their ugly face. "Lying to Toby-"

"Is like lying to the Dali Llama," Emily finished with a watery chuckle.

It wasn't the first time that they had said it, and it was so unbelievably true. Lying to her sweet, honest, open husband was worse than lying to anyone else, because he never suspected you of duplicity. Mostly because he never thought to lie himself. It was the worst.

More than that, though, was that she wasn't going to refuse one of her dead husband's dying wishes. She wasn't going to be okay for awhile, maybe never again. But she could let Emily keep her promise. "Breakfast?" She suggested quietly. She wasn't sure that she was up for much more than that.

She could hear the relief in Emily's voice. "Perfect. Should I invite Hanna and Caleb? It's 5 am, but maybe we can hit Denny's?"

"I guess I should show them that I'm still alive," she muttered, drying her eyes. The tears were finally slowing, but she didn't think that they were ever going to stop completely. Good thing Denny's wasn't exactly of the dress to impress category.

She slid out of bed and walked to the closet, pulling out one of Toby's undershirts, a tshirt, and a pair of jeans. She didn't care what she looked like, but she couldn't bear to be completely separate from her husband. The skin on his clothes technique was surprisingly effective, and she wasn't sure that she would be able to hold it together at all without the security blanket of her husband's clothes.

While Emily talked to either Hanna or Caleb in a muted voice she pulled the letter to her again. Her fingers lightly traced over the indentations from the declaration he had spoken to her so many times. _I love you too, Toby._


	5. Chapter 5

**The feedback for this story has been incredible so far, you guys! Incredible! Like I'm in awe! I love it and I love you!**

**Next chapter hint. It includes a recording, a phone call, and a sick Toby flashback.**

**Sidenote, I graduate in ten hours. Omg. Freaking out? YES! Leave me a review as a graduation present, okay? Doo dooo do do dooooo do. (Graduation song :P )**

**REVIEW OKAY? Love you to the moon and back.**

Chapter 5

The cold air from the open window stung at her tear swollen cheeks. Her heart hurt as she watched her apartment grow smaller in the mirror. It was absolutely outrageous, but she felt true anxiety over leaving the building. In the apartment she felt saturated by Toby's presence, and as painful as it was, it was equally comforting. Here she was forced to face the world on her own.

She walked into the restaurant with her head down and her arm linked with Emily's to guide her. The burden of making eye contact with anyone else was just too much right now. She was out of the apartment, albeit reluctantly. That was as much progress as she could make for a single day.

The sunrise was beautiful. The orange, red, and purple flowed together into swirl of colors. But honestly, she didn't know that she could ever find something beautiful again. It was all that she could do to get out of bed.

"Spence!" Hanna's voice was so excited, like she made her entire week by arriving at the restaurant.

It was so completely Hanna that she couldn't help but smile. "Hey, Han."

She settled into the booth and immediately dropped her eyes to the rough, wooden table top. Oh look, someone had carved a penis in the corner. That's cute. She brushed her fingers over the scratched surface.

"Here's a menu, Spence." Caleb passed her a menu, pressing it into her hands before he released it. His voice was both soft and firm at the same time.

Because Spencer knew Caleb so well she knew what he was basically saying that she had to eat or else, but she wasn't sure that she could keep anything down. She smiled down at the table, trying her best to give off a strong front for them. They were being so incredibly wonderful to her, so she could try to make an effort. "I just don't know if I can keep anything down," she admitted softly.

"Well you're going to give it a solid effort," Hanna said firmly. "If you have to puke I will hold your hair back for you."

"Get some chocolate chip pancakes," Emily suggested.

She immediately shook her head no. She could try to eat, but she couldn't do chocolate chip pancakes.

_"Spence?"_

_His soft voice roused her from her lethargic state. She blinked her weary eyes open and peered up at him._

_Toby's lips were pursed as he reached down and brushed a light hand against her forehead. "You're feeling really warm, baby."_

_"I don't feel good," she mumbled and leaned against his hand. Nothing could bring her comfort like his touch, but she found it surprising that her forehead felt warm. She was freezing._

_"You don't look so good, either," he chuckled, lifted up her trembling body, and gathered her into his arms. He draped her limp body across his solid torso and pressed a warm kiss to her frigid forehead._

_"Thanks," she muttered sarcastically. She gathered fist fulls of his shirt and closed her eyes. She didn't feel as though she had the energy to move, but if she could she would wrap her arms around him._

_"I made some pancakes. Do you think you can try eating?" He asked her softly._

_"I can try," she rasped, her throat hurting more and more the longer that she talked. She knew that she should eat, and she was willing to try. "But I don't know if I'm going to be able to keep it down."_

_He nodded and pressed another kiss to the top of her head. "I'll be right back." He tightened his grip on her body and lowered her back to the couch._

_As soon as his hands left her she couldn't stop a shiver from rocking through her body at the sudden loss of contact. It was like she didn't even realize how much she needed him until he was gone._

_But she didn't have much time to miss him, because he was back in no time. He sat a plate down on the table and sat on the end of the couch nearest to her head. He carefully lifted her head up and deposited it gently into his lap. Without disturbing her too much he reached out with his long arms and grabbed the plate of pancakes. "Open up," he said softly and lifted a forkful of pancakes._

_Her tired, emotionless face quickly transformed into a lazy smile. He was literally the perfect husband. "I love you," she murmured just before he deposited a bite full of the perfect pancake into her mouth. A napkin immediately followed the fork, wiping away any remnants of food._

_His thumb brushed across her lips. "I love you too."_

"I can't do chocolate chip pancakes," she said softly, not bothering to elaborate. After that day Toby made her chocolate chip pancakes when she was sick. It was their little tradition, and it didn't feel right to have them without him.

She picked up the menu and scanned it quickly. "Does the fruit plate suffice, oh food Nazis?" She flashed them a half smile to show them that she wasn't upset with them. Because she wasn't. She was about as far from angry as one could get. They were so incredibly patient with her, and she owed them the little bits of sanity that she was able to maintain.

"That is definitely acceptable," Hanna nodded in approval. "Thanks for being a good sport, Spencer."

"I'm trying," she said simply. She looked back down at the table as the waitress approached and allowed the others to order for her. Talking to strangers felt like it was too much right now. She knew that she needed to move on. She needed to let go of the pain and begin to live her life again. It was what Toby would want. But it had only been ten days. She couldn't imagine ever feeling better, but maybe she would one day.

She focused back on her friends with a renewed desire. She was not okay, but she could at least pretend to be for her friends' sake. She could cry her heart out later, when she was alone.

"-never met someone with an aversion to heated seats."

"Wait what?" She really needed to stop spacing out, because this sounded like a good story. She picked at her fruit plate that had just arrived in front of her as she waited for her friends to elaborate.

Caleb looked pleased that his story was the one that attracted her interest. "Okay, so last night I may or may not have gotten Hanna a little bit intoxicated."

"And by that he means that he absolutely and definitely got me rip roaring drunk," Hanna interjected with a laugh. "I actually might still be a little drunk."

"Right okay so I get her back into her car, buckle her seat belt, and take off down the road," Caleb began in a strained voice, trying to control his laughter. "I thought that she had passed out. It's cold, if you guys didn't notice, so I thought I'd do the right thing and turn the heated seat on. I didn't want her to freeze! It took a minute to warm up, but as soon as I felt it kick in on my seat Hanna literally lost her shit!"

"It wasn't that bad!" Hanna laughed.

"Oh it totally was. She screamed, grabbed her butt, and started to yell about how her ass was on fire. Her arms like literally were flailing around. I had to pull over after she accidentally smack me in the face, and the whole time she's just screaming about how we had to break up because I'm clearly a cannibal who was trying to cook and eat her."

Spencer just stared at Hanna incredulously for a moment before giggling. "Are you making this up?"

"No!" Hanna laughed and shook her head. "God, I kind of wish that he was though. How embarrassing."

Hanna was the best. Caleb was the best. Emily was the best. They were all the best for putting up with her. No matter justified her angst was, it was still difficult to be around. She knew that it was. She knew how much of a downer she was being, but they never let on. They never made her feel bad about it. They just continuously supported her and comforted her when she needed it. They held her up when it was impossible to stand. She loved them so much.

Innocent conversation dominated the rest of her breakfast. And while she didn't necessarily feel normal, she definitely felt slightly less abnormal. This was like any other breakfast they had ever enjoyed together, minus the obvious person missing from their table. The lack of his presence weighed heavy on her heart, and she was pretty sure that the burden would never lessen. But this? This was nice.

"Are you guys ready to go?"

Spencer looked up from the watermelon seed that she had been playing with and nodded shortly. She had done her fair share of socializing today. No one could accuse her of not trying. Now she was ready to return to her apartment, where she could once again feel surrounded by her husband's presence. She missed him to a painful degree. Would it hurt this badly forever?

She should have realized that it was too good to be true. Nothing good happened in her life. Not anymore.

"Spencer?" A cool hand wrapped around her wrist, stopping her progress to the door. Him? Really. Of all the people that she had to see in the world it was him?

"Wren, let go of her." Hanna's voice was devoid of any of its typical warmth.

He took the time to glance curiously at her, but before he could release her wrist Caleb pulled her out of his grasp. As soon as her wrist was free from Wren's ironclad grip she shrugged away from Caleb and ducked into the bathroom. She immediately entered a stall and slid to the ground. Renewed sobs ripped through her throat and rocked her body. It wasn't fair. It wasn't _fair. _Wren got to live, but Toby didn't?

_"Spencer? Can we talk for a second?"_

_She sighed and tossed a stack of discarded red solo cups into the trash. Letting Hanna have a party at her house was literally her worst idea ever. An even worse idea was not slamming the door in Wren's face when he showed up. What was he playing at? "If it's really a second. I have to get all of this cleaned up before my mom gets back from Boston."_

_"I'll help you," he replied earnestly. "Let's just talk."_

_"Fine," she sighed again._

_He nodded a few times and sat down on the tall bar stool at her kitchen counter. "I need to tell you something. And I know that you know it. I know that you do. But I need to tell you. I need to know for certain that you know, okay?"_

_"Wren," she began in a warning tone. She didn't want to hear this. She knew where it was going, and there was nothing that she wanted to hear less._

_"No Spencer. Let me talk. I love you Spencer. I love you and I think that you should choose me." He reached out to grab her hand and held onto it tightly._

_She tried to pull her hand out of his, but his tight grasp was unrelenting. She refused to panic, not wanting to give him the satisfaction. "Wren, it's always going to be Toby."_

_"Why? Why? You can do so much better than him, Spencer. I'm a doctor. I'm going places. He's just a lowly carpenter with a rundown loft." Wren's hand tightened around hers and pulled her closer to him. "Let me show you how much I love you Spencer. Please." _

_He leaned in as though he were going to kiss her, but she dodged his wondering lips. "Wren you need to let go of me." She made her voice as calm as she could make it, but honestly, if he leaned in again she was going to punch him in the nuts._

_"Why?" His voice was actually confused. Was he kidding?_

_"I think she said to let go of her."_

_It was almost comical how quickly her anger and fear evaporated at the sound of Toby's voice. He always made her feel safer than anyone else._

_"This is between the two of us, mate," Wren said in a conversational voice, as though he weren't trying to assault her right then._

_Toby stalked forward and ripped Wren's hand away from hers and pushed Spencer back behind him in one fluid motion. It was a complete over reaction, but she appreciated being away from Wren's unwelcome grasp all the same._

_Toby tilted his head back to talk to her, but he didn't take his eyes off of Wren. "Spencer, give us a second?"_

_"Not a chance in hell," she replied without hesitation. She wasn't going to leave the two boys to a full out brawl in her kitchen._

_"I'm not going to hit him, Spencer," Toby reached backward and gently ran his hand up and down her arm in reassurance. "I just need to talk to him."_

_"Don't worry, Spencer. I won't hurt him." Wren was being serious, which was honestly a bit comical. _

_She hesitated before nodding and walking into the hallway. But instead of leaving she hovered out of sight near the opening. She trusted Toby with everything. He wouldn't lie to her. But she didn't trust Wren. If Wren even thought about hurting Toby she would destroy him, and she would enjoy doing it._

_"What's the problem, mate?" Wren muttered. From this vantage point she could hear just how slurred his words sounded. Was he still drunk?_

_Light footsteps thudded as though someone were pacing back and forth. "I need you to leave Spencer alone."_

_Wren snorted. "Why should I do that?"_

_"Because we're happy together Wren. I love her more than anything in the world, and I know that she loves me. We're happy, and all you're doing is causing problems between Spencer and her family. If you really care about her you'll leave her alone."_

_If the situation wasn't so serious she would have cracked a smile over how well he knew her. She never complained about when Wren was doing to her relationship with her family. She never told him how much she thought that Wren was hurting her familial relationships. He just knew. He always knew. God, she seriously just loved him so much._

_"Would you just take a step back and realize you're making an arse out of yourself, Toby? She doesn't want you. She's using you to make a statement to mommy and daddy. Rich girl doesn't need her parent's approval on who she dates. As soon as she gets bored of you she's going to come running to me, and I hope that you're there to watch."_

_She had to hold onto the door frame to stop herself from going in there and giving Wren the nut punch that he deserved. How dare he talk to Toby like that? How dare he insinuate that she was that shallow._

_"For the last time, I'm telling you that if you even consider touching Spencer again I will destroy you."_

_Toby didn't get like that very often. He was usually the most chill person that she ever met. He was usually kind to everyone that he met, and he almost never rose his voice. However, he did tend to get a bit maniacal when it came to protecting her._

_"Piss off, tosser. Maybe next time you won't interrupt us before the good stuff."_

_The distinct sound of skin smacking sent a tremor of fear through her heart. Had Wren hit Toby? She tore through the doorway with little thought to the fact that this confirmed that she was eavesdropping._

_But as she walked through the door she was met with an unexpected sight. Wren was grasping the side of his face, and Toby was standing over him, shaking out his fist. She stared in shock, not sure whether to laugh or yell. How do you react when you gentle boyfriend pummeled the bane of your existence. _

_Toby's eyes met hers almost immediately. The rage wiped off of his face and quickly transformed into apologetic remorse. "Spencer-" He didn't finish his sentence. Instead he quickly walked up to her and gathered her into his arms._

_In the back of her mind she heard a disgruntled Wren leaving the kitchen. But that didn't matter. All that mattered was the perfect man that held her in his secure embrace. When Toby held her it was like nothing would ever go wrong again. He made her feel loved, safe, and secure. He was everything to her, and she had no idea what she would ever do without him._

_His strong hand gently brushed over her hair. "I'm sorry, Spence?"_

_She pulled away just far enough to look into his eyes. "What are you talking about?"_

_"I told you that I wouldn't hit him," his soft voice was dripping with guilt._

_"Are you kidding?" She began seriously. He was kidding, wasn't he? "Toby, I heard the things that he was saying. I think that he was lucky that you just hit him."_

_"So you aren't mad?" He asked in confusion._

_"No, you idiot," she laughed. She stood on her tiptoes and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. "I love you so much."_

_His hands wrapped around her and gathered her closer to him. "I love you too, sweetheart. I love you so much."_

How did she ever think that she was going to be able to get by without him? How did she ever think that she would be okay without Toby? She pressed her face into her knees and closed her eyes. She tried to stop crying, but the tears only painfully squeezed out through the small slits.

It wasn't like Wren tried anything. It wasn't like he did anything wrong this time. It was just so fundamentally unfair that someone as despicable as Wren was alive and happy. And Toby, who was the best person she had ever met, was dead. He was dead, and the world was a worse place for it.

"Spencer." Hanna's fist wrapped lightly on the door. "Spencer let me in."

"No," she muttered softly through the tears. Hanna didn't need to see her like this. She was supposed to be the strong one, wasn't she? She was supposed to be there for her friends. She was supposed to be the one that they could depend on. This wasn't okay. This wasn't right.

"Spencer, please. Just let me be there for you. Please."

She sighed and reached up to unlock the door. She had known Hanna since birth. The girl wasn't going away without her.

Hanna immediately slid through the unlocked door and crouched beside Spencer, gathering her into her arms. Spencer leaned into the embrace and did her best to quiet her tears. As embarrassing as it was, Hanna helped. It helped knowing that her friends didn't think any less of her for this display of emotion.

"He's still a slime ball. I can't believe your sister's married to Downton Grabby."

Spencer couldn't help but smile at the familiar nickname. "Not all girls have guys that help them to forget about the accent," she murmured.

"Yeah, we're lucky in that department."

That was one of the things that she liked the most about Hanna. Avoiding mentioning Toby wasn't going to help. He was a part of her, and he was constantly on her mind. She would carry his memory in her heart for the rest of her life. She needed people to mention him; to talk about the amazing guy that he was. Because, although it hurt now, the sting was less painful every time. That was how she would move on, and apparently Hanna understood that well. "I'm sorry, Hanna."

"For what?" The blonde was genuinely confused.

"For this. I'm sorry for being so weak. I need to stop this. I need to stop breaking down in public. I wish I could be the old Spencer, but I think that she's gone. I think that she died with Toby." Saying his name still hurt, but she had to practice what she preached. It truly did hurt less and less each time.

"Spencer, look at me." Hanna paused until brown and blue met. "Spencer, you are so strong. You're brave, and you're just incredible. You miss your husband. And Toby was basically a rockstar husband, so it's totally understandable. He was an amazing guy. And honestly, Spence. You're handling this much better than I would be. If I ever lost Caleb I- I just don't even know."

Hanna had a way of speaking that just made you believe her. Was she telling the truth? Was this being strong? Either way, Hanna's unconditional acceptance helped lessen the embarrassment. She leaned into Hanna, content to wait out this break down in the arms of her best friend.


	6. Chapter 6

**I don't have a lot to say other than the response to this story is blowing my mind! Keep it up you guys! Sorry these updates are coming slower than most of my stories, it's just that since more people are reading this one I'm more nervous to post the chapters haha! Lots of editing time!**

**OH! I do have something to say. One person, either through tumblr, review, or PM, made a VERY VERY VERY accurate prediction for the direction I'm taking this story. You're really smart, and when I finally reveal that particular story line I'll be sure to give you a shoutout.**

**Next Chapter: Broken glass, hysterical tears, and an early Spoby flashback!**

Chapter 6

She was walking through a field of sunflowers. This had to be a dream, because there was no way that there was anything this beautiful in her life. She walked along, skimming her fingers along the rough edges of the stems. Even if this was a dream, maybe she could enjoy it while it lasted.

"Spencer?"

She froze, her hand trembling above a shorter flower. This was either a cruel joke that her mind was playing on her, or one of the greatest gifts she had ever gotten. She knew this was a dream. She knew this wasn't real. But to hear his voice, to hear him say her name again, sent a spasm of something through her entire body. Was it joy? Desire? Pain? She wasn't sure.

She turned around, sure that her face was twisted into quite the series of emotions. Pain. anguish. lust. excitement. She had no idea what she was feeling right now, but she did know that she would take advantage of the time she had with him. "Toby," she breathed.

His face was sad, as though he knew what happened. He took the three steps that it took for him to get to her and wrapped his arms tightly around her. A hysterical sob ripped through her throat. She never thought she would feel his strong arms around her again. She never thought that she'd be able to smell the sweet, musky scent of his skin. She never thought she'd be able to feel the bumps of his abs as he pulled her tightly against him. This might not be real, but it was her reality for the moment, and she would revel in it for as long as possible.

"Are you okay?" His voice was barely more than an insubstantial whisper. His soft, gentle lips were pressed against her neck. She could feel his hot tears pooling around her throat. No, this wasn't right. He shouldn't be crying.

"Not really," she admitted reluctantly. Lying to Toby was never an option for her. He didn't deserve to be lied too. As an afterthought she added, "Are you?"

"I hate that I had to leave you." His voice was soft, careful, and repentant. Like he was caressing her with just his words.

"I don't know how to live without you anymore, Toby." This was something she never would have said to him. As she watched him deteriorating in the hospital, as she watched the fight leave his body and the life leave his eyes, she never told him this. Not even when he asked her if she'd be okay. But now she couldn't keep it to herself. "I don't know how to go on. I wake up every morning and I wish that I was dead too."

"No Spence. Please don't say that. I love you. I love you so much." His fingers brushed through her hair as he clung to her. "You're going to have to go now, but please believe me when I say you're going to be fine. I promise you that you'll be fine. You can't see right now because you don't have all the information, but trust me. It will all be okay."

"Is this real?" She murmured, holding onto him with everything that she had. She didn't want to go. She wanted to stay in his arms forever. She didn't need heaven. This was all she needed to be happy.

He just smiled and cupped her cheek with his capable hands. "Just never forget how much I love you Spencer. Now and forever. I might be dead, but it'll never stop."

* * *

_Beep beep beep._

Spencer woke up with a start, her legs tangled up her her sheets. Her head bounced back against the pillows. She couldn't tell if that was a good dream or not, but she still struggled to hold onto the memories. The feel of his hands caressing her face. The way her name rolled off of his tongue like she were the most precious thing in the entire world. The way that his arms wrapped around her, making her feel an unparalleled sense of safety. God, she missed him.

Just as she was considering heading to the shower her stomach twisted with something very different. She scrambled up off of the bed and sprinted off toward the bathroom, reaching the toilet in just enough time to empty her stomach. She held her hair back with one hand and clutched the bowl of the toilet with her other. She hated throwing up more than anything. It was disgusting. It was especially disgusting because this was the second morning in a row that she woke up needing to hug the toilet.

She didn't know if she had eaten something bad or what, but as she stood up to rinse her mouth out she still felt nauseous. What a great way to start her day.

A loud knock on her front door caught her immediate attention. Had it been her friends they would have knocked quietly. They were still worried that she might have a nervous breakdown. And, to be honest, it was still a definite possibility. This knock was more authoritative. It was more demanding of attention. She walked to the front door and peeled it open.

"Spencer Hastings?" The uniformed UPS man asked her.

She nodded silently and reached for the clipboard and pen that he handed to her. She scrawled out her name and exchanged it for a small package.

The man smiled at her and walked away. "Have a wonderful day!"

She would have responded. She always tried her hardest to be polite. But when she caught sight of the familiar messy handwriting on the address label her gratitude caught in her throat. How was he doing this?

She ripped into the plain brown paper and pulled out a small tape recorder. Oh God. His voice might send her over the edge, if that's even what this was. Her stomach clenched in anticipation as she pressed play.

_"Hey baby."_

She immediately began to cry at the sound of his weak, hushed voice. Sure, she had dreamed about him last night, but this was real. This was his voice. He recorded this for her.

_"I don't even know what to say to you right now. You're actually asleep right next to me."_

He paused and she heard a rustling noise. Maybe he was brushing a hand across her hair. Maybe he dropped a soft kiss to her forehead.

_"Listen, baby. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I know that I don't have a lot of time left. I can feel myself growing weaker every single day. I know that I promised you that I would fight, and I will. I'll keep fighting. But it might be a losing battle."_

Even at the end he was still thinking of her. He was still trying to keep his promises to her. Her heart ached with love for him.

_"If you're listening to this that means that I didn't make it. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I love you so much, and please know that if I had any choice in it, any choice at all, that I wouldn't have left you. I would have stayed with you even if I had to live forever like this. A lifetime of pain with you is better than the pain that I know it will cause you once I'm gone."_

Maybe for him. But not for her. Neither option was preferable, but at least now he was at peace. She would have done anything to have him with her, but she wasn't so selfish that she'd want him to be in pain.

_"So I was thinking to myself-"_

_"Toby?"_

She had to choke back a sob at the sound of her own voice. This had to have been close to the end. Because she knew as well as he did that his time was running down. She hadn't left his side for a minute. No matter how often he tried to coax her into going home or going somewhere else to eat she wouldn't hear of it. The only reason that she ate at all was because her friends and sympathetic nurses brought her food, and because she knew it would cause Toby endless anxiety if he thought that she wasn't taking care of herself. She wouldn't even go to the cafeteria, in terror that he would die suddenly while she was gone.

_"Shhh. Everything's alright. Just go back to sleep."_

_"But who are you talking too?"_

_"Myself. Weren't you the one who told me that all great minds talk to themselves?"_

_"I did say that..."_

Spencer listened as her voice trailed off sleepily. There was a minute or two of dead air as he waited for her to fall back asleep. He kept his sass even at the end. She loved him so much.

_"Interrupting your own tape. That is so you, Spencer. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Okay, so I was thinking to myself, what can I do to make this easier on her? Because you might think you're being sneaky, baby, but I can see how much this is all hurting you. I can see you flinch when they do the tests, and I can see the poorly concealed pain in your eyes when they suggest that I begin making end of life plans. I don't want to leave you, but if I have to I'm going to do everything that I can for you first."_

That was so like **him. **He wouldn't let her go through this alone. He wouldn't let her suffer if there was something that he could do about it. She was in awe of how much he loved her even now.

_"I can't tell you much, but I can tell you a few things. You should have already gotten a letter from me. And if there was any doubt that it was from me you go ahead and erase that now. It was me. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for our anniversary, sweetheart. I cannot imagine being one of those guys that forget their wedding anniversary. The day you married me was the best day of my life. That letter and this will not be the only things that you'll get. I can't tell you much, but you have to do what they say, okay?"_

She snorted through her tears. He should know her better than that.

_"I know you aren't going to want to, but hear me out. I'm dying. In your time I'm already dead. Don't dying people get one last wish? Well I invoke my dying wish prerogative. Spencer Hastings, you have to do everything I tell you to do._

That was low, but she couldn't help herself. She smiled softly. She taught him that trick.

_"And my first wish is for you to call your parents."_

The smile slid off of her face. Was he kidding? Her parents did everything that they could to break them up. They never hid their distaste for Toby, despite the fact that he was more polite than they deserved. They never made him feel welcome. The last thing she wanted to do was go talk to them.

_"Hear me out, okay? I know they weren't the nicest to me, but that doesn't matter. They disliked me because they love you and want the best for you. Their efforts were misguided, but they were out of love. It's one of the things that I regret the most, not trying harder to convince you to bridge the gap between you and your parents. Maybe- maybe I can help with this now. Please Spencer. Do it for me._

Damn it, Toby. How was she supposed to say no to that?

_"I think that's all for now."_

Her heart ached. She didn't want it to be all. She wanted to just listen to his voice forever. Was that too much to ask?

_"Don't be sad, baby. I'm not even there and I know that you're upset. But I swear to you that you'll be hearing from me soon, okay? Now put down the take recorder and go call your parents."_

There was a long pause, so long that she temporarily thought he forgot to end the tape.

_"Never forget how much I love you Spencer. You're my world. You saved me when I thought I was unsaveable. You loved me when I thought that I was unlovable. You're everything. **I love you."**_

The static cut out and the tape clicked as it ended. Her body tensed as she suddenly felt the need to vomit again. She rolled off the bed and sprinted to the bathroom, barely making it in time. What was wrong with her? Why was she getting sick all of a sudden? Was it the grief? That was entirely possible, actually.

But it didn't matter. Not now. Not when she had a decision to make. She walked back into the living room and grabbed her cell phone, clutching it to her chest. Should she call them or not? Either way, she knew what Toby wanted her to do. She knew that even before she got the tape.

_She watched helplessly as the nurses poked into his arms for his second blood transfusion this week. The wince of pain that always accompanied the needles hurt her heart. If she could take his pain from him she would do it in a heart beat. But all she could do was sit next to him and hold his hand. And if that's all that she could do she was going to do it well._

_"Just press the call button if you need anything." The nurse gave the two of them a friendly smile before walking out of the room._

_As soon as she was out of sight Toby turned to her, hints of exasperation coloring his exhausted eyes. "Go get something to eat, Spencer."_

_"No." She didn't know why he kept asking her that. She wasn't going anywhere. Not without him. The doctor's had suggested that they put him on hospice a week ago, and she complied readily. It didn't take a medical degree to see that Toby was deteriorating rapidly. That way she could at least take him home. But they still had to come to the hospital multiple times a week for his life-saving blood transfusions._

_"Spencer, please." His voice was bordering on pleading, but she didn't care. What if, God forbid, he died while she was off grabbing a burger? What if something went wrong? No, she wasn't moving._

_She didn't bothering answering. Instead she got up and walked across the room, getting him a bottle of water. He needed to stay hydrated. When she brought it back to him he gave her an unimpressed look. "Will you go grab me a burger from the cafeteria?"_

_If she had just been an innocent bystander that clever ploy might have worked on her. But she hadn't seen him keep down anything more substantial than a cup of soup in weeks. "Nice try." She smirked and returned to her seat. _

_"Spencer!" His voice was urgent, and it caused her to look up at him in alarm._

_"What's wrong? Are you alright? Do I need to get a nurse?" She ran an anxious hand through his hair._

_"I'm physically fine. But I can't stand to see you sitting around like this. You have to take care of yourself. I love you. I love you so much for taking care of me. You're the best wife imaginable. But you have to take some time for yourself. Maybe go visit your parents?"_

_She rose her eyebrows at that suggestion. Was he kidding?_

_He took in her facial expression and continued urgently. "You should go talk to them while I'm not around. Maybe it will go well."_

_She sighed and shook her head. She knew what he was doing. She walked in on him the other day when he was writing out a will. He thought that he was going to die, and he didn't want to leave her alone. Well, tough shit Cavanaugh. She would rather be alone than with people like her parents, who only loved her when she was doing exactly what they wanted her to do. "I'll go eat something if you stop this crazy talk," she reluctantly supplied as a compromise._

_If she would have known it would have induced that wide of a grin on his face she would have agreed hours ago. He nodded and pulled her down into his reach and pressed a soft kiss to her lips. "Take your time, okay? I'll have a nurse call you if even the smallest thing goes wrong."_

_She nodded. "Did you really want something?"_

_"Maybe grab me some kind of ice cream?" He posed it as a question, which told her that he was still feeling ill._

_She smiled at him and dropped another kiss to his lips. "I love you. I'll be back soon."_

_"I love you too." He gave her an adorable grin and reached for the remote._

_She shot him one last smile and ducked into the hallway. Once she was out of sight of the door at every angle she slid to the ground. She still had a good view of his door, but there's no way that he would be able to see her. She wiped away the single tear that escaped. She was so worried about him. He couldn't die. He just couldn't._

_She pulled out her cell phone and tapped out a quick text to Emily, requesting ice cream. That was she wouldn't have to move. She leaned against the cool dry wall of the hospital hallway and kept her eyes on Toby's door in a silent vigil._

Sometimes she found it hard to believe that that was only a month ago. She was a completely different person than that vigilant girl who never left her dying husband's bedside. Now she was the mourning widow that couldn't shake off her loss.

At the time she thought she knew what loosing Toby would look like. She thought she understood. But she was wrong. It was worse than she ever imagined. She wished that she could go back and talk to herself. Just a month was all she needed. She would tell past her to never leave Toby's side. She would tell her to not sleep, not eat, not do anything that would cause her to leave his room. Because she could do all of those things once he was dead. That was the only time she had left with him, and she would have wanted it all. She would have taken it all had she known what was coming._  
_

She sighed and closed her eyes, picturing Toby's face. Not his sick face, but his face when she first met him. That was the only thing that would give her the strength to do this. She dialed the numbers that she knew by heart and prayed that no one would answer.

_"Hello?"_

If it wasn't so rude she would have groaned. Great. "Hi mom."

_"Spencer, honey. I've been meaning to call. How are you?"_

Horrible. Awful. The worst. "I'm doing alright," she murmured, knowing that's what her mother wanted to hear.

_"That's so wonderful, sweetie. What can I do for you?"_

The words almost stuck in her throat, but she forced them out. This was for Toby. "I was wondering if you wanted to have dinner together tomorrow?"

_"Certainly! That sounds fantastic. I'll have Hilda cook up your favorites, alright? How does 6 pm sound?"_

"That's fine," she said softly. As though she had any plans other than to lounge around in her dead husband's t-shirt. "I'll see you then."

She hastily hung up, wanting to end the call before she started to cry again. It was like the tears were unending. Just when she thought she was done the threatened to spill over again. She knew that Toby would want her to be happy again, but she didn't know how.

Either way, nothing was going to happen today. She walked back into her bedroom and pulled the tape back to herself. At least she wouldn't forget what his voice sounded like now. She smiled ruefully and hit play for the second of what promised to be many times.


	7. Chapter 7

**That last chapter got less reviews, but I suppose you guys are still pretty great. :). Lots of greatness, for sure.**

**I won't bore you, so we'll just get right on with it!**

**Next chapter has tears, a dark part in Toby's past, and an appearance by an unwelcome individual! Oh and a small realization by Spencer :)**

Chapter 7

The wind was howling outside as she drove to her parents' house. The weather directly corresponded to her mood. The raging wind was like the rage inside her very soul. Rage at Toby for making her doing this, and rage at him for being the cause of this pain to begin with. She knew that it wasn't his fault, but that didn't change what she was feeling right now. Rage at her parents for being the kind of parents she dreaded going to see. And just rage at the world in general, for making her their punching bag.

She pulled into her childhood home and briefly considered turning around and driving away. She could just tell her parents that she got sick. And honestly, it wouldn't be a far stretch. She still hadn't gotten past this apparent stomach bug. She had already thrown up twice this morning. But no. She couldn't do that. She couldn't refuse anything he asked her to do. Especially now that he was gone. Especially after the way he had tried to ensure that she would be okay. No, she would do this for him.

Leaving the apartment had been especially difficult this morning. She was making more attempts to come across as a normal person. Part of that effort consisted of not wearing men's clothes. But there was only so much progress that one could make in a day. She wore one of Toby's undershirts underneath her dress. She just couldn't bear to not be touching a part of him.

This entire day was just bringing back memories that she would have rather kept buried away. Before climbing out of the car she closed her eyes and thought about the first time she took Toby to meet her parents.

_"You don't have to do this."_

_"Spencer, calm down." His voice was soothing as his hand latched onto hers. "I want to."_

_She sigh and carefully led him toward her house. She purposely didn't look at him. She didn't want to see the shock on his face as he took in the size of her house. Her parents had money, that was for sure. But that didn't change who she was. That's why she didn't bring people to meet her family until she was certain that they liked her for who she was. And even then, she carefully avoided their faces until the shock died down._

_She had miraculously managed to avoid the inevitable meet and greet between her parents and Toby for the half a year that they had been dating. But now that time had passed. If she kept putting it off he would begin to think that the problem was with him, and that couldn't be further from the truth._

_"Spencer," he sighed and pulled her off course and around the side of the house. "Listen, I don't know what you're so worried about, but I'm 100% positive that everything will be fine. They can't be nearly as bad as you're implying."_

_No, they're worse. She hoped he knew what this meant for her. She had never brought a boy back to meet her parents before. Hell, she barely brought Emily and Hanna around. This was huge for her. But the thought of Toby meeting her parents was enough to make her stomach turn in fear. This wasn't going to end well. "I- I hope so. Just ignore everything they say, okay?"_

_He nodded. He was still clearly confused, but he was unwilling to argue further. She sighed again and pulled him the rest of the way into the house._

_"Spencer?"_

_She rolled her eyes at the sound of her mother's voice. Who else would it be? No mom, it's an axe murderer come to chop your heads off and steal all of your money. "It's us," she replied softly. Just the mere presence of her parents was enough to bring out her insecure side._

_"Hello dear." She gave her a soft smile before turning to Toby. "And you must be my daughter's allusive boyfriend."_

_"Toby Cavanaugh, m'am." He replied promptly, sticking his hand out for her to shake._

_She took his hand in hers and shook it briefly, raking her eyes up and down his body, from head to toe. Had she not been certain that her mother was checking for designer labels that move would have made her increasingly uncomfortable, as she knew that the older woman had a habit of flirting with younger men. "Pleased to meet you," she replied stiffly._

_Toby was dressed well, but it was what he could afford. He wasn't of the same economic class as they were, and that didn't bother her in the slightest, but apparently her parents were a different story. She ducked down to catch his eyes and mouth a quick apology. He looked confused, but the reassuring smile that he gave her was as warm as it ever was. He wasn't mad at her._

_Dinner started off fairly well. Toby and her father had a relatively successful discussion on carpentry. Spencer couldn't enjoy the dinner because she was too busy keeping vigilant watch over her parents. This was going too well, minus her mother's inappropriate examination of his clothing. She couldn't help but think back at the times that they made Hanna feel badly about herself because her parents were divorced, or the time they vehemently discussed their opposition to war even though they knew fully that Emily's dad was away in Afghanistan. Her parents were not the kind of people who made other people feel comfortable._

_"So, Toby tell us about your family."_

_There it was. That was the invasive, inappropriate question that she was waiting for. "Toby, you don't-"_

_He shook his head with a soft smile, effectively cutting her words off. "No it's alright. I'm not ashamed of them. My mom died a few years ago, and my dad just recently remarried."_

_"How did your mom die?" Her mother's question was much more nosy than it was sympathetic._

_Spencer shot her mother a warning glance before turning her eyes back on Toby just in time to see a spasm of pain work its way through his face. "She- um she was sick for a long time."_

_That was absolutely as far as she was going to let that discussion go. She sighed and turned to her father, knowing that this was going to lead to an uncomfortable discussion. But at least it would get the focus off of Toby. "Dad, I didn't make captain."_

_He immediately turned to look at her, disappointment flashing in his eyes. "Oh Spencer. Why not? Your sister-"_

_She groaned, not regretting this, but annoyed that he always had to make it about Melissa. "I'm not Melissa dad. I'm not as good at field hockey as she was. The person who got it deserved it more than I did."_

_"You just aren't working hard enough. Maybe you should practice more." He looked at her thoughtfully. "We could hit the club later."_

_"No, dad. Field hockey isn't my priority anymore." She sighed. Why couldn't he see that she wasn't Melissa?_

_"Okay," he let it go reluctantly. "How are your grades? Still a 4.0, I assume?"_

_"No," she snapped, sick of this annoying need for perfection. "I have an A- in Chemistry."_

_"Spencer!" Her mother gasped like an A- minus was actually something to be ashamed of._

_"I think that's pretty good," Toby interjected. Because she knew him so well she could here the anger in his voice. "I have a C in Chemistry."_

_"Yes but-"_

_Spencer cut off her father before he could say anything offensive. "Careful, dad."_

_Toby gave her a look before continuing. "Your daughter is the smartest person I've ever met, and I would have failed French without your help. But if you keep holding her to impossible standards she's never going to be good enough in your eyes. Everyone has a subject they aren't very good at. But honestly, I still don't think that Spencer's found hers'. An A- is nothing to be ashamed of."_

_Spencer was shocked for a second. No one had ever stood up for her like that before. But before she could thank him her dad stood up so quickly that he nearly knocked over his chair. "Are you trying to tell me how to raise my daughter, boy?"_

_She could see all the warning signs. This wasn't going to end well. She stood up and grabbed Toby's hands, pulling him up to a standing position. "Time to go," she muttered._

_He allowed her to pull him up, but he wasn't looking at her. He kept his eyes on her dad. "No, sir. But I think it's a shame that you can't see how wonderful your daughter really is."_

_"Who do you think you are, boy?" He took a few steps forward, and in the history of overreactions this might have been the greatest. Toby was right, but she certainly wasn't going to instigate him further right now._

_"Don't listen to him," she murmured, putting both hands on his chest. "Just ignore him."_

_"Spencer, don't get in the middle of this." Her dad put his hand on her shoulders, much more roughly than he usually would, and tried to pull her off._

_If it weren't for Toby's hands on her waist he might have succeeded. But instead she spun around, planting herself more firmly in the middle. "I am in the middle of this, dad! I already am. He didn't do anything wrong, and I'm not going to let you bully him into thinking that he did."_

_She blindly reached back and interlocked her fingers with Toby's. She led him out of her house, not taking her eyes off her father until they were out of the dinning room. She could hear her parents calling for her, but she knew they wouldn't follow her. They didn't care enough._

_As soon as they were out of the house she pulled them to a stop. She just looked at Toby. In that moment she was absolutely certain that she loved him. "Are you okay?" She whispered nervously, running a fretful hand down the length of his chest._

_"I love you," he replied, his voice soft and low. "I love you so much." He dropped a careful kiss to her lips as though to prove what he was saying to her._

_She pulled out of the kiss and rested her forehead against his. They were so ridiculous. How had they possibly come to that conclusion at the same moment? "I wanted to say that first," she whined playfully, going in for another kiss._

Somehow one of her worst days simultaneously morphed into one of her best. If was the first time of many that they had allowed their love for each other to be declared verbally.

She sighed and climbed out of the car. This was what Toby wanted. She had to continuously remind herself of that fact, or else she would run away scared. She didn't want to see her parents. She didn't exactly appreciate the way that they treated her, but the way that they treated Toby was unforgivable. He didn't deserve their hatred. Toby deserved nothing but the best.

Before she could even wrap her hand around the door knob it flew open and she found herself wrapped in the embrace of her mother. For most people this was a place of comfort. But for Spencer she only wished that the woman would let her go. No comfort was better than false comfort.

She barely felt their hands as they led her to the table. She barely tasted the food that they had carefully prepared. She barely acknowledged their intrusive line of questioning. She was here. She was going through the motions. But her mind was elsewhere. But for the first time in two weeks, it wasn't on Toby. It was just blank. She was numb.

"Spencer?"

She glanced up with tired eyes, ready to brush off their questioning. But the concerned look they exchanged renewed her curiosity. Was there something else going on here?

"Spencer, we have something we need to tell you, and we aren't sure how you're going to react." Her father reached into his back pocket and pulled out a letter. "We got a letter yesterday..."

She still didn't understand. Not until she spotted that all too familiar handwriting scrawled on the envelope. _Toby._

He passed her the letter, "We were going to call you, but you called us first, and..."

He was still talking, but she wasn't listening any longer. This letter wasn't intended for her, but it was still him. It was still his words. She slid the paper out of the envelope and unfolded it eagerly.

**Mr. and Mrs. Hastings,**

**I know you have to be confused, and I apologize for that. I know you don't like me, but I sincerely hope you can understand how difficult my passing will be on your daughter. I love her. Even now, I love her more than anything in the world. And I have to do whatever I can to make this easier on her. And this is something I can do.**

**I know that your relationship with your daughter has never been the best, and that relationship has only gotten worse since I've been in the picture. I'm not altogether positive what your issue with me is, but please know that I am deeply sorry for whatever role that I played in it. I never meant to offend you or cause you anger in any way. I love your daughter, Mr. and Mrs. Hastings. I've never felt anything but gratitude toward you for bringing her into the world.**

**She saved me in more ways than one. I can honestly say that I wouldn't have lived as long as I did without her. I don't want to go into details here, but I have some demons in my past. Things that seemed insurmountable at the time, but that I managed to overcome with your daughter's help. She was the best part of my life, but I was only a part of hers. **

**I hope that she'll be okay, but I am pretty sure that she's going to need help. Help her move on. Be there for her. Be the parents that she's always needed. Please. I am truly begging you. I can't bear the thought of leaving her, but I think that if she has you she might be okay. Please mend the gap between you.**

**Sincerely,**

**Toby Cavanaugh**

Spencer just stared down at the letter, in an absolute loss for words. Why? How? How was he doing this? Her chest ached, and once again the tears began to spill over. This was supposed to make things better? Because it wasn't. It was so much worse. He was gone. He was gone, and he was never coming back. Reminders of how much he loved her were just making it worse. It would be easier if he hated her.

She grabbed a glass and threw it at the wall. The shards that shattered and fell to the ground was satisfying. She grabbed a plate and smashed it against a chair. She slid to the ground with tears running down her face. She couldn't do this anymore. She couldn't do anything. She was done. If that was the last thing she read, the last thing that she did, she was fine with that. She was done.

"Spencer?"

She shook her head and slid to the ground, wrapping her arms around her knees. Her stomach clenched in pain, and she was worried that she was going to vomit again. But she wasn't moving. If it happened then it happened.

"Oh Spencer."

A soft hand found its way to her shoulder, and she flinched away from the contact. Why couldn't everyone just leave her alone?

"Spencer, please."

Her mother's arms wrapped around her body and hauled her upward, cradling her head to her chest. This was the contact that she always wanted from her mom. She always wanted someone that would wipe her tears away and hold her when she was in pain, but not right now. Right now she just wished that everyone would leave her be. She wished that everyone would just leave her to drown in her despair.

Her mother's hand trailed down her hair, smoothing it down. "I'm sorry, Spencer. I'm so, so sorry. Toby was such a wonderful person. He was so wonderful. He was an amazing husband to you, and he deserved better than what he got."

"W-why- why couldn't you have told him that w-when he was still alive?" She whispered, punctuating it with a quiet sniff. Why couldn't they have told him how incredible he was when he was there to appreciate it? Why couldn't they have taken away one of the reasons that made him feel worthless? She was right. Toby **did **deserve better than that.

"I don't know, Spencer. I'm sorry. God, if I could go back and change it I would. I would do anything to tell him that. You know what they say about hindsight being 20/20. I never realized how incredible he was until it was too late. I wanted the superficial things for you. I wanted you to have the money and the reputation. But what I didn't realize was how happy you were. How _loved _you were. How good he was to you. There will never be anyone good enough for your little girl, but Toby? He was about as close as it got."

She turned her face into her mother's chest, trying to hide her tears. "Then why did he leave me?" Her voice was muffled, but she could tell from the sharp intake of breath that she heard her.

Her hands tightened around Spencer. "I don't know, sweetheart. I don't know."


	8. Chapter 8

**Love you guys to the moon and back. And then maybe with a quick jaunt through the stars. You're the best. My favorite reviews are the ones that tell me what you're favorite parts are. So thanks for that, caitycaites :). Also, tobyequalshottness, you never cease to make me blush. Your reviews are the best.**

**Next chapter, more on the possible pregnancy, Emily's return, and more late stage Toby.**

**The next chapter will be up when the story gets to at least 70 reviews!**

Chpt 8.

The minutes slowly ticked away. Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock. Her eyes watched the second hand slowly work its way around the round face of the clock.

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.

The adorable smile on Toby's face when he did something to surprise her. The way he bent down to kiss her neck when she broke away for air. The way he mumbled in protest when she'd get up to pee in the middle of the night.

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.

The way he'd get so excited to give her a Christmas present that he would sneak it to her three days early. The way he impulsively decided that they were going to take a road trip to New York one hot summer day. The way that he came to all of her competitions in high school, and no matter how boring they were he sat there with an enraptured smile.

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.

She missed him. She missed him so much that it was physically painful. But it was like the pain had gotten to the level where it just turned into numbness. The kind of numbness that started out as some kind of intense pain, and slowly fizzled out into a feeling of nothingness. Even the feeling that was supposed to be there was gone. She didn't feel the warmth of the tears running down her cheeks. She didn't feel the cool metal of the bed frame that was pressed against her bare shoulders. How was she ever supposed to love again? How could she ever risk this feeling again? The loss was too great. If she couldn't have Toby she didn't want anyone or anything. She would just spend the rest of her, hopefully short, life in bed.

"Spencer?"

She hadn't heard Hanna come in, and she had no intention of answering her. Maybe if she was silent she'd leave.

"Spencer, I'm not going anywhere, so you might as well get your skinny butt up and answer me."

She rolled over and looked at her best friend. "What do you want, Hanna?"

"I want you to get your ass out of bed and come to lunch with me."

"Not hungry." She tried to roll over, but Hanna immediately grabbed her wrist to stop her.

"I know I posed that as a question, Spence, but it totally wasn't. You're coming to lunch with me, even if I have to drag you out by your hair." She was completely serious, which scared her a little bit. She could completely imagine Hanna dragging her out of her apartment.

She sighed and sat up. "Han, I-"

"Listen to me, Spence." Hanna's voice was devoid of it's typical amusement and cheer, and instead was replaced by firmness and sincerity. Spencer glanced up at her, and when Hanna say that she was listening she continued with a soft smile. "This isn't right. I know that I've said this before, but this isn't what Toby would want. I know you're sad. I know it's hard. I _know. _This is a serious pot calling the kettle black scenario, because if I lost Caleb I don't know what I'd do. But either way, no matter what, I think we can all agree that Toby wouldn't want you to be so sad. Especially when it was about him."

Pulling the Toby card was low, but she was also right. For the first time all day she felt something; the deep rumbling of guilt in her belly. Hanna was right. "Fine. But don't try to make me eat much, because I think I'm coming down with the stomach flu too. Grief and an upset stomach make for a lot of puke."

Hanna winced visibly. "I love you, but if you puke on my Jimmy Choos I will annihilate you."

Her small giggle pushed a small crack through the numbness. It wasn't much, but it was a start.

They went to this cute little retro dinner across town. It was a place that Hanna loved to hate. The food was good, but apparently it didn't do much for her waist line. Spencer always refrained from calling her crazy, because it just exacerbated her maniacal diet talk. It did no good to tell her how fabulous she looked.

This restaurant was special to her for another reason, and try as she might, she couldn't push it aside.

_"I know it isn't much, but..." he trailed off sheepishly, leading her through the clear, double doors. "I don't know. I kind of like it here."_

_One of the things that she liked the best about Toby was that he was always up for an adventure; whether it be hiking through the woods in Rosewood, or like this, driving the hour to Philadelphia just so they could hit up a seedy, retro diner. It was perfect. "No, I love it." She grinned up at him to show him how serious she was._

_Her sincere smile caused some of the stress to melt off of his face. "It's just, I know you might be used to-"_

_No, that wasn't going to work for her. She immediately cut off that line of conversation. Rumors of her wealth were always spread about the school, not that she advertised her money in any way. High school kids were just a bunch of jealous assholes. Usually it didn't bother her, but it was going to start if it made Toby feel insecure. "That's true. I'm used to meals at home alone, or a quick fast food run so I don't have to eat something disgusting that our chef cooked. I don't think my parents could work an easy bake oven." She stopped and framed his face with her hands. "This is perfect," She enunciated slowly, making sure he understood._

_ Her words finally got through to him, and he rewarded her with a goofy smile. She loved the effect that she had on him. He gently laced their fingers together, and they fit so easily, like that was all that their fingers were made to do. He carefully pulled her against the exposed brick of the wall and kissed her soundly. "I love you, Spencer Hastings," he murmured against her lips._

_Her heart fluttered at the sensual feeling. "I love you too," she whispered._

Tears welled up in her eyes at the memories of one of her first dates with Toby. He was so nervous around her when she first was with him, and it was largely endearing before she came to realize the horrors in his past that it stemmed from. She pushed down the tears, unwilling to ruin this moment with Hanna. She was being so kind, so patient. The very least that she could do was to make an effort.

Throughout their entire meal, a Caesar salad for Hanna and a bowl of chicken noodle soup for Spencer, Hanna regaled her with her latest exploits.

"And then he grabbed my ass!"

Spencer gasped, actually feeling shocked. "No! What did you do?"

"I punched him in the nuts, obviously."

With every laugh, with every smile, Spencer felt the anguish and numbness crack away little by little. It wasn't that she was okay, far from that. It was more that she could see how she might someday be okay again. Not whole, because that was impossible. There would always be a hole in her heart that Toby had once filled. But maybe she could learn to live a new kind of life.

She should have known that spending time with Hanna would help. Maybe she did, though. Maybe she did, and that's why she was avoiding her so stringently. Because she didn't want to feel better. She wanted to wallow in her misery for as long as she could get away with.

But this was nice. She was actually enjoying herself. But she should have known that it was too good to be true.

"Spencer?"

This had to be a joke. There were innumerable different people that she would have preferred to run in to: Jack the Ripper, Hitler, and even Satan himself. And instead she ran into this bitch.

"Jenna, get out of here." Hanna's voice was firm, and it left no room for argument. She didn't know the whole story, but she hated Jenna on principal. She saw the effect that girl had on Toby. But she never asked for more details, and for that Spencer was grateful.

Jenna ignored Hanna and put her claw-like hand on Spencer's shoulder. She froze, because she knew that if she moved she'd haul off and punch her. She always refrained from a physical reaction for Toby's sake, but he wasn't here anymore. At the very least, maybe she could finally treat Jenna in the manner that she deserved.

Jenna sighed and marginally tightened her grip on Spencer's shoulder. "Spencer, I'm so sorry about Toby. I-"

She might have said more, Spencer didn't know. At the sound of Toby's name coming from her companion's evil lips something inside of her snapped. She literally and truly saw red as she whirled around and slammed her fist hard into Jenna's temple. The impact made a satisfying crunching noise. There was pain in her fist, but it hardly compared to the pain of the memories that now raged through her troubled mind.

She scarcely noticed as Hanna led her through the diner and out to the car. She barely felt it as she stretched the seat belt over her chest. She could barely comprehend it as Hanna spoke quiet, soothing words to her. All she felt was rage, rage like nothing she had felt since she first found out.

_Her hands ran gently down his sculpted chest, enjoying the way her fingers dipped down into his pectoral muscles. She let her lips travel from his, and trailed a gentle path down the side of his neck. This was still new territory for her. She had had boyfriends in the past, but never ones like this. She had never been with someone like Toby Cavanaugh. She had never been with someone that she wanted to share her mind, body, and soul with._

_She always thought that intimacy like this would be awkward. She never thought that she would feel so comfortable bearing her body to another human being. It was so intimate, it required so much trust. But where Toby was concerned she was never lacking in trust. No one made her feel safe like he did._

_Yet he was holding back. Seven months into their relationship and he was still so hesitant when it came to the physical stuff. He did it so carefully, so subtly, that she wasn't sure that's what he was doing at first. But the longer they were together the more excuses he made. His parents would be home soon. He wasn't feeling well. He didn't want to take advantage. Was it something she did? She couldn't ask him, because if he told her that he didn't want her like that it might destroy any semblance of self-esteem that she possessed._

_But now things were getting more heated than they ever had. He awkwardly pulled her shirt off with trembling hands. It was somewhat gratifying to see that he was just as nervous as she was. It was comforting to know that she wasn't the only one heading into uncharted waters._

_"Toby!" The sardonic voice of Toby's creepy step sister sang out from somewhere in the hallway._

_Toby sat up so quickly that he nearly knocked her off of him. But of course he wouldn't let her get hurt. His arms tightened around her waist to keep her from tumbling to the floor. He looked at her with pleading eyes. "I need you to hide."_

_"What?" She was confused, and a little bit concerned. She had never seen him look quite so panicked. "Toby, what's-"_

_He cut off her question with a quick kiss. "Please baby. I need you to hide. I need you to hide, and promise me that you won't come out until I come for you."_

_There was something different about the way his words flowed out of him mouth. He wasn't just panicked. He was desperate, almost afraid. But was he afraid for himself? Or for her? Either way, there wasn't a chance that she wasn't going to do what he asked her to do. She would have done anything for him. She nodded and rolled off the bed and slid under it, getting as close to the wall as she could manage._

_She heard a sigh of relief slip through his lips as he tucked a blanket in front of her, presumably to better hide her from view._

_"Toby." Jenna's voice was much more annoyed as she walked into his bedroom. _

_Toby didn't answer her, but she heard the crunch of springs as he sat up._

_"You're being very rude, Toby."_

_He still didn't answer, but the noises from above her suggested that he scooted forward a little bit._

_"You know what I want, Toby." Her voice was taking on a seductive tone that Spencer was not exactly a fan of. What a creep._

_"You better look elsewhere then." He spoke for the first time. She was shocked by his voice. The warmth that so typically characterized his tone was strikingly absent. What the hell was going on?_

_"Don't act all big and bad now that you have that Hastings bitch," she snapped. "You know that I always get what I want."_

_"Don't call her that," his voice took on a degree of firmness that hadn't been there before. Even when something was happening to him he was always so careful to protect her._

_Jenna continued like she hadn't heard him. "Listen Toby, be reasonable. How hard do you think that it would be for me to convince my mommy and your daddy that you were the one forcing yourself on me all this time? Who would believe you? Big, blundering, loser Toby? Sweet, innocent Jenna could never do something like that."_

_What? She... she what? Spencer didn't understand, but something understanding was nudging the corners of her mind._

_"You could chain me to this bed and I'd never touch you like that again." His voice contained no uncertainty. It contained no doubt. All that was there was firm refusal and anger._

_And suddenly it clicked. Suddenly the puzzle pieces fit together in her mind. **No. **No, no, no she had to be wrong. That couldn't be right._

_Her rage-colored thoughts were interrupted by a sharp smack. "You son of a bitch," Jenna snarled. But instead of attacking him, like Spencer had been anticipating, she stalked out the bedroom door. She watched the progress of her feet from her spot under the bed. And it was none too soon, because Spencer was ready to kill the bitch._

_"You can come out, Spencer," Toby's voice was dull, and contained an edge of insecurity that she hadn't heard since the beginning of their relationship. It was a sadness and an insecurity that she now comprehended all too well._

_She slid out from under the bed and immediately wrapped Toby up in her arms. She had to show him that not everyone was like that. She had to show him that not all touches had to be bad._

_It took him a moment, but slowly he relaxed into her embrace. His head tucked into her neck, and her heart literally shattered into a million pieces as she felt his tears soaking her neck. She didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable, but she really needed some answers. "You don't have to tell me anything, but-" she cut herself off, not being able to bring herself to ask him about this._

_"Ask what you need to know, Spencer." _

_She could still hear the tears in his voice and feel them soaking her skin, but she had to know. "H-how long as this been going on?"_

_"Since before we started dating," he answered her quietly._

_She literally had to bite down on her lip, hard enough to draw blood, to stop herself from getting angry. She was so far past angry. Livid was a better description. If she wasn't holding Toby she would have gone after Jenna the second she understood what was happened. But she knew instinctively that that wasn't what Toby needed. He needed to know that she didn't look at him any differently. And she didn't. It wasn't an act. He was the same person that he had always been. "Okay," she murmured. "When was the last time?"_

_This time he did hesitate. He obviously didn't want to tell her, which she took to mean that it was recent. "You don't have to say anything," she reassured him._

_He mumbled something incomprehensible, but he immediately repeated himself, obviously able to see that she hadn't understood him. "Two days before I told you I loved you for the first time."_

_She pressed her lips to the top of his head, one hundred percent positive that his presence was the only thing keeping her from committing a very justified murder. "Why did it stop then?"_

_He pulled away to look at her, the red tinge of his eyes breaking her heart even further. He didn't deserve to be so sad. "Because I had you. I- I don't know. I g-guess I had the strength to say no once I knew that you were a part of my life. I-I'm sorry that I didn't tell you."_

_"No," she said immediately. "Don't you dare apologize. This wasn't your fault. It wasn't anything you did. This was all her. I love you so much. I love you. I'm so sorry that this happened to you."_

_He just looked at her for a minute before falling back into her arms, his tears continuing. She bit her lip, unsure of how to help him. "Do you want me to go kick her ass? I'm pretty sure I could take her."_

_His laughter vibrated through her body. "I love you, Spencer."_

_"I love you too." She replied with no hesitation, more sure than ever that Toby Cavanaugh was the only one in the world for her._

As she escaped from her memories she felt Hanna's hands on her arms, as the blonde led her back into her apartment. "-and he said just eat the jello. And I told her that I had this reoccurring nightmare about purple jello so I couldn't."

Twenty minutes ago, before she was reminded of the world's cruelty, she might have laughed at Hanna's babble. She might have even thrown in a teasing aside. But right now she was firmly buried down in her black hole of despair. How could the universe have been so incredibly cruel to her kind and gentle husband? Not only had he died from cancer, but he was also repeatedly assaulted by someone that he should have been able to trust.

Most of the time you come home and you feel safe. You feel like the people that wanted to hurt you were securely on the other side of the protective walls of your home. But for Toby he had to go home every day and live in the fear of his step sister.

Even the thought of what that monster had done to Toby left her feeling physically ill. Her chest was on fire from the pain of unshed tears, and her stomach was twisting in a sea of nausea.

Where was all of this coming from? Why was she feeling constantly ill? She had had the stomach flu before, and it had never felt like this. It was over just as fast as it came. But this was lingering.

"Spencer, do you want to lay down?"

She didn't feel up to answering so she just bobbed her head up and down once. Even that cost her a lot, her head throbbing, and her stomach swirling. She was worried she was going to puke, and she really wouldn't put it past Hanna to kick her ass if she puked on her shoes.

She dry heaved a few times, but managed to keep everything down. As soon as Hanna helped her lay out on the couch she walked into the kitchen, presumably to grab her a trashcan.

Maybe she really did have the stomach flu? It couldn't be food poisoning, because it had lasted too long. If it was something she ate it would be out of her system by now. Or she could be pregnant. That wasn't possible though, because she hadn't had sex in about seven weeks.

Seven weeks. She closed her eyes, trying to push back the ludicrous thought. Pregnant. She couldn't be pregnant, could she?

But the more that she tried to deny it, the more possible it seemed. It was the perfect time for morning sickness to show up.

"Spencer? Can I get you anything else?" Hanna asked as she came back into the room and handed her a large bowl.

A rush of gratitude shot through her for the blonde. How lucky was she in the friend department? They were truly the best. But could she put this off on Hanna? Could she ask Hanna to do this? Because no matter what, this could change everything. And she wasn't sure whether it was for the better or the worse. Either way, she knew what she had to do.

"Um yeah. Could you get me a pregnancy test?"


	9. Chapter 9

**This chapter... it's very different, and it should read as different. Spencer's in shock with a huge wave of despair threatening to crash over her. She can't focus on much other than the memories. Just keep that in mind as you read this.**

**Um, also... the last memory. Sorry in advanced. I cried when I wrote it, and now I'm crying as I just finished reading it again. But come on, you knew it was coming.**

**The next chapter will either be up on Saturday or when I get 8 reviews. Whatever comes first. **

Chapter 9

If she closed her eyes she could almost imagine that he was there with her. She could imagine that she had sent him off for the pregnancy test. She could just picture the mix between joy and terror that would be obvious on his face. He would have been so thrilled at the possibility of having a child.

They never expressly talked about their plans for children, but their other conversations alluded to the fact that he wanted children one day.

_His arms tightened around her as he felt a shiver work its way through her body. "Are you too cold? We can leave if you want."_

_"Absolutely not," she laughed, nuzzling into the side of his body. "This is perfect."_

_In the most adorable act in the entire world Toby surprised her at UPenn, which was enough to make her entire week in and of itself. But of course he didn't stop there. He never stopped there. He always went straight past adorable and moved his way into the grand romantic gesture. He had piled every pillow and blanket he owned into the back of his truck, and then he commandeered all of her own. They got into the car and drove off to a place overlooking the city and made a nest in the back of his truck. It was perfect._

_She felt as his lips pressed into the top of her head. "You're so beautiful."_

_"Are you kidding?" She snorted, "Need I remind you that you kidnapped me from the gym? I probably smell sweaty and disgusting."_

_"No," he disagreed. "You look beautiful."_

_He was such a cheese ball. But he accomplished his goal, because she never felt more beautiful than when she was wrapped up in Toby's arms. He never let her feel insecure. He never let her feel less than beautiful. He would simply remind her of what she meant to him in a way that was undeniable. "Yeah, well you don't look so bad yourself."_

_"So," he began, nerves seeping into his voice. Oh... he was plotting. He cleared his throat before continuing. "So, I didn't necessarily bring you up here just to cuddle, as nice as it is."_

_She waited patiently for him to continue, her curiosity piqued. He sat up, pulling her with him. His hands gently clasped hers as he looked into her eyes. "I- I've tossed around how to say this for weeks, but I thought the best way was to probably just come out with it."_

_"Are you breaking up with me?" She sat up in alarm. "Toby, what the-"_

_He cut her panicked words off with a soft kiss. "Are you kidding?" He murmured and kissed her again. "As if that would ever be a possibility."_

_"Then what?" She asked him with less panic but equal confusion._

_His hands found the sides of her face. He stroked her cheeks gently, always so gently. He treated her as though she were the most fragile thing on earth. Like if he was too rough he might lose her forever. "Spencer, I'm trying to ask you to marry me," he whispered after a long moment._

_Her heart jumped, but she didn't take her eyes away from his. Was he kidding? She just stared into his eyes, speechless. Toby smiled and brushed his thumb over her lips. "I love you Spencer. I love everything about you. I love the way your nose wrinkles up when you're thinking really hard about something. I love the way your eyes light up when you learn a new fact. I love the way your hair curls up around your shoulders. There's nothing about you that I don't like."_

_"Toby," she began, but he cut her off with a swift shake of his head. He was so nervous. Did he actually imagine that she would say no?_

_"Let me finish, baby. I want to be there for you through everything. I want to be there as you have a mental breakdown through your finals in graduate school. I want to be there to hold you when your heart is broken. I want to be there to rub your feet when you're pregnant with our children. Spencer I just want to be there for you through everything. I love you so much. I love you. **I love you. **You're my world." He bent down and sprinkled a series of soft kisses over her face. "You're everything to me. I don't want to live without you. I don't want to succeed without you. I don't want to do anything without you. I want to be with you, there by my side, for the rest of my life. **I love you. **Please. Please, will you marry me?"_

_"God, Toby, of course I'll marry you." She couldn't stand it anymore. This wasn't enough contact. She wanted her skin against his. She wanted to brush her lips over his neck. She watched their fingers to lace together like they were made for that very purpose. She threw herself forward and wrapped her arms around his neck in a tight embrace. "I love you too," she whispered into his neck. "I love you."_

_She could feel his tears of joy soaking into the top of her head. "Thank you. **Thank you.**" He whispered over and over again._

_And in that moment, in that second, she swore that there was no one happier than her. There was no more that was loved more than her. There was no one who was cared for more than her. In that moment their love was infinite._

They hadn't expressly discussed it in that moment, but that was when she knew that he wanted kids. Although, knowing Toby like she had, it should have been apparent from the start.

To an outside observer it might have been less obvious. Toby had a tragic past. He didn't have anyone who loved him in an unconditional parent manner. But she always knew he would love the opportunity to share the love that he had in his heart with a child; that he would love the opportunity to give what he missed out on to his own child. So despite the circumstances, despite however this turned out, she knew what Toby would tell her.

She didn't know how Hanna pulled it off, but before she scarcely realized it Emily arrived at her front doorstep with a small brown bag from the nearby pharmacy. Her friends always knew exactly what she needed.

The pregnancy test was heavy in her hands. She knew that one day she would be using one of these. She knew that she and Toby would start a family one day. But under these circumstances? How was she supposed to be okay with this? Even with the possibility of this? How was she supposed to raise a child without Toby?

"Don't freak out yet, Spencer. See what it says, and then we'll figure it out from there." Hanna was being uncharacteristically supportive. Usually she'd be panicking along with her.

Spencer glanced at the test for another moment before hauling herself up off the bed and stumbling to her bathroom. Her legs were asleep to the point that every step sent a shot of pain reverberating up through her hips. She had been sitting for too long, but that was alright. What else did she have to do?

After peeing on the stick she sat it on the counter and stumbled back up to her bed, crawling past her friends, and curling into a tight ball in the corner of the bed. Since Toby's death each day had been an exercise in emotional stability. It was a struggle not to burst into tears. It was a struggle not to raise her fist and scream at the higher power that had decided to take Toby from her. It was a struggle not to collapse in the middle of the street and just decide that it was too hard to go on. But now? Now she just was done. She was done. She couldn't feel anything. She didn't want to feel anything. This was too much.

She barely acknowledged it as Emily and Hanna both wrapped their arms around her. They laid there together in a heap. Their voices murmured soothing words, but Spencer couldn't hear them. She couldn't hear anything.

The first thing she acknowledged was the annoying beep of Hanna's phone alarm, signifying that the test had been sitting for as long as it had to.

"Spence?" Emily gently tried to get her attention, but Spencer didn't move. Emily's hands wrapped around her shoulders and hauled her up to a sitting position. "Hanna went to go get your pregnancy test, alright? But no matter what it says we'll be there for you. We'll be there for you every step of the way."

She still didn't acknowledge her. She wasn't even sure that she remembered to talk. The bed dipped down as Hanna rejoined them on the bed. "Spence, I haven't looked at it, and I really think that you should be the one to do it."

She was in agreement, but she was pretty sure that she forgot how to work her hands. Either that or they just wouldn't cooperate. It was like it was just too much. Her entire body simply shut down. She was surprised that she was even breathing, although if that were to stop she wouldn't be complaining.

"Okay Spence. I'll look, alright?" Hanna grabbed her hand with her free hand and squeezed it carefully. Spencer watched out of the corner of her eye as Hanna flipped the white stick over. And with her sharp intake of breath she knew. She just knew.

And she knew exactly when this had happened. Because when else could it have been?

_She woke up to the smell of sizzling bacon and freshly brewed coffee. In most houses that wouldn't have been cause for alarm. Hell, in her own house it wouldn't have been cause for alarm. But right now she was definitely alarmed. Because there was no one in this house that should be cooking aside from herself._

_She pulled on one of Toby's old work shirts and trailed through the hallways and into the kitchen. "Toby?"_

_What she was expecting to see was a sick Toby, struggling to hold himself upright. But what she saw was a Toby that looked like the person that she married. The one before the sickness. Before the cancer ravaged his healthy body. He was still pale and much too thin, but he didn't look like he was going to vomit. He didn't look like he was going to pass out. He almost looked... well._

_She knew what this was. The doctors warned them both about this. They warned them that there would likely be days where he almost felt normal again; but that they wouldn't last. They'd never last. Regardless, she sure as hell was going to take advantage of this._

_Toby apparently had the same idea, but with less patience. Before she even finished processing he strode forward, wrapped both of his arms around her waist, and spun her in a circle. She giggled and wrapped her arms around his neck for support, even though she knew she didn't have to. Toby would never let her fall._

_His arms tightened around her waist and helped her back down onto the ground. "I love you," he murmured with his lips against her neck. "I love you."_

_She couldn't stop the tears as the welled up in her eyes. This would pass. It would be gone in a fleeting moment like every good thing in her life. But for right now, for this second, she could forget that Toby was sick. She could forget the constant fear that she was going to lose him. She could forget all of that and just love him the way that he deserved to be loved. Because a moment without her lips connected to his was a moment wasted. A moment where he didn't feel like he was the most loved and cherished person in her entire world was a moment wasted. "I love you too," she whispered. Her love for him overwhelming her._

_"So, I cooked breakfast..." he trailed off, sounding as though moving apart to eat was the last thing that he wanted to do. She didn't necessarily again._

_"I've got a better idea," she murmured, taking him by the hand and leading him back toward the bedroom._

"Spencer?"

She blinked a few times and swiveled her eyes upward to take in Emily's worried face. "Spence, are you okay?"

She just stared at her friend, unsure of how to respond. Not even knowing if she could respond if she wanted too. How was she supposed to go on from here? How do you go on when the worst thing happens? When the worst thing just continues to get worse. How do you move on from that?

"I'll be right back," she heard Emily murmur to Hanna. She wished that she cared enough to ask where she was going, and maybe for a glass of water.

How was she supposed to survive this? How was she supposed to move on from here? How was this ever supposed to be okay again? Was she strong enough for this? Was she strong enough to see his eyes in their child? Was she strong enough to have a child that looked like him? That talked like him? Could she handle the constant reminder?

But honestly, could it get worse? Because watching the life leave the person that you love more than anything in the world... it just couldn't get worse than that.

_"I can call an ambulance, Spencer. But... but this is it. I don't think that they'll get here in time."_

_She acknowledged the words of their hospice nurse with a stiff nod, but she didn't take her eyes off of Toby. They had overcome worse than this. He had fought back from the brink of death before. He could do this. But just in case she was right there was no way in the world that she was going to take her eyes off of him. "Call an ambulance," she breathed out, even the quietest words ripped through her raw throat in a flash of pain._

_She heard the woman leave, but once again she didn't acknowledge her. Instead she adjusted her position on the bed. She moved Toby's pillows out of the way and settled his head into her lap. "Toby, you have to fight this," she whispered brokenly into his ear. "Fight it, baby. Please fight. Don't leave me here alone."_

_He didn't respond. He didn't even move. She pushed his sweaty hair off of his forehead and dropped a kiss onto the clammy skin. "Please Toby. Don't leave me."_

_Ragged, heavy breaths left his mouth. His labored, heavy breathing was breaking her heart. Why did he have to suffer so much? "Toby, please wake up." She pushed on his shoulders, hoping to revive him. But she knew it was useless._

_The warned her about this. They warned her that his fight was coming to a close. The loss of bladder control, the confusion, the dizziness, the pain... they were all signs that the end was near. But she denied it. In his lucid moments Toby denied it._

_The doctors had been wrong before. They had said that he wouldn't make it through the night many times. But here he was, still fighting. With a pang in the chest she realized that it was for her that he was fighting so hard. He didn't want to leave her anymore that she wanted him to leave, but he expressed many times how tired he was of living this life. She didn't want to let him go though._

_"Toby," she breathed. She kissed the tender spot below his ear before speaking just loudly enough for him to hear, if that was possible. She gently ran her fingers through his damp hair as she spoke. "Toby, I don't want you to go. I don't know how I'll survive losing you. I- I can't lose you. But you need to be a little selfish, okay? Don't worry about me. There are people here who will take care of me. And maybe I'll be okay again, eventually. But you can't hang on just for me, baby. If the pain is to much, if you can't take it anymore... you have to do what's best for you. If you're ready to let go, if you're ready to move on, then you do it. Don't worry about me, okay? Don't worry about me."_

_She would be surprised if he understood her, if anyone understood her, through her sobs. She didn't want to do this. She didn't want to tell him that she would be okay, because she didn't know if it was true. But she knew as well as she knew anything that Toby Cavanaugh wouldn't leave her until he heard this from her. "I love you. God, baby, I love you so much."_

_Because she was holding him so close she felt the change in his breathing as it slowed, and she knew. She just knew that this was it. She knew that this was the last time she would be able to hold him in her arms. She knew that this was the last time that she would be able to feel the soft beating of his heart below her fingers. She knew that this was the last time she'd be able to speak to him, so she had to make it good._

_"And don't you dare leave this world feeling any guilt. Because you were the best part of my life. No matter how long again, no matter who I meet, that will never change. It will never be different. You came into my life right when I needed you. You were the first person to love me unconditionally for who I was and not for who you wanted me to be. You were the only person that I could trust with anything and everything . You always held me like I was the most valuable thing on the planet. You- God, Toby I love you. **I love you.**"_

_She bent at the waist and pressed her lips to his forehead again. She ignored the sweat and just reveled in the fact that she could do this. Right now. Right here, he was alive. This might be the last time, but thank God for the gift of goodbyes. "I love you," she sobbed again._

_She used all of her strength to haul him up higher in her arms, content to hold him and sing to him until he left this world. She wasn't much of a singer, but she knew that if she were dying that's how she would want to go. Maybe Toby would like it too. The only song of significance that she could think of was their wedding song. "Sorry if this hurts more than it helps," she chuckled._

_"**In your eyes I see forever, makes me wish that my life never knew the day before you,**" she sang quietly, the words greatly distorted by her sobs. "**But heaven knows those years without you were shaping my heart for the day that I found you. And if you're the reason for all I've been through, then I'm thankful for the day before you****.**"_

_"No matter what happens right now, Toby," she whispered, "No matter whether you live hours or years, I will never regret standing up for you that day in the hallway. I will never forget it. I love you."_

_She could hear the sirens coming, but she knew it was too late. She could tell by the sickly blue the was spreading across his face and the slow, rattling of his breathing. He didn't have much time left. She hunched over his body. Their faces were both soaked with her tears. "I love you. I love you. I love you." She didn't know how much time he had left, but regardless, that's the last thing that she wanted him to hear. "I love you. I love you. I love you. I'll love you forever."_

_The rattling got more intense for a moment until he was suddenly still. He was gone. **He was gone.**_

_She pressed her body against his as though she might be able to incite some of her life into his body. If she could do it she would. If she could half her life she would do it as long as she got to spend her remaining years with Toby. She would give him her blood, her lungs, her heart. Whatever he needed it was his as long as she didn't have to be without him. But it wasn't possible, because he was gone. He was gone, and he never was coming back._

_It took three paramedics to pry her off of his body and one to hold her back as they loaded him up. "Toby," she sobbed. "Oh Toby. Toby." The tears ran down her cheeks as she watched them take his body away. Toby._

So, no matter what happened, she could rest assured that whatever happened it couldn't be as bad as slowly watching the life leave her husband's body. This would be hard. It would probably be one of the hardest things she ever did. She wasn't handling this well, but she was still alive. She was still fighting, and if she could do this she could do anything, right?

"-not responding."

Emily officially piqued her interest, but she didn't move. She didn't care quite that much. Instead her eyes rested on Hanna, who was intently watching something that was out of her line of vision, probably Emily.

"But Dr. Sullivan, I don't think-"

As soon as she heard the name of her shrink she tuned everyone out again. The woman was sweet, but she was altogether unhelpful. She had no interest in the advice that she had to give.

Hanna's eyes left Emily and moved to examine Spencer's face. She reached out and touched her cheek, brushing away tears that she hadn't realized that she shed. She just looked at her for a moment before getting up and walking out of the bedroom.

While Hanna was gone Spencer listened to the background noise of Emily's quiet murmurs and studied the ceiling. She knew that she should get up. She knew that she needed to make a doctor's appointment or something, but she just couldn't. She couldn't bring herself to care about life or anything else. She just didn't care.

Hanna came back inshortly and hesitantly pressed a bottle of water into Spencer's hands. "And um- Spencer I- um I found this on the front mat. It looks like someone slid it under the door."

Spencer's eyes met Hanna's as she pressed a envelope into her other hand. Written across it in Toby's familiar scrawl was 'When She Needs A Reason to Go On...'

**A little explanation... I usually hate, hate, HATE Spoby pregnancy stories. Like with a passion. But it works in this case, I promise. Stick with me and keep being wonderful. **


	10. Chapter 10

**I'M SO SORRY THIS IS LATE! First my internet was out for a day because of the storms, and then word decided to delete half of this document. The word didn't want you to read this, but I persevered!**

**Now I'm ready for bed, so I'll keep this short. But yeah, 8 reviews and you get an update on Friday. Less than that and you'll get it on Monday! Up to you darlings.**

**Review and let me know what you think, as always!**

**Next chapter has the doctor's appointment and some visits!**

Chapter 10

She ran her fingers over the indent of the words, much like she did the first time that she gotten one of these letters. She wanted to be angry. She really did. You know what would make it easier to go on, Toby? Having you here.

But once again, ever since she saw that little blue line, ever since she realized that she was pregnant, she felt nothing. She brought her lips to the envelope, kissing it softly. She was grateful that he wrote it. She knew how little energy he had in his last days. She knew how difficult writing one, let alone several, letters must have been for him. Yet he did it. For her. He was literally the perfect husband.

But she didn't want comfort right now; not even comfort from Toby. She pushed the letter aside and pulled a pillow over her head, wanting to shut out the world. Maybe when she came up for air things would be more coherent. Maybe she would know what to do.

And regardless, she couldn't help but blame herself for this. How could she not? Both she and Toby agreed that he should come home toward the end of his life, but had she persisted she could have convinced him to stay in the hospital. She was absolutely certain of it. Maybe if he had stayed in the hospital the doctors would have been able to revive him. Maybe he would have been able to survive long enough to see the birth of his son or daughter. Because he deserved that much. He deserved everything.

This was all her fault.

She knew with absolute certainty that Toby would have been thrilled. He would have loved this whole process. He would have wanted to pick out the baby clothes. He would have meticulously slaved over names. He would have held her hand at ultrasound appointments. He would have been the goofball that talked to her stomach. He would have done it all.

She didn't know how she felt about this. She just didn't know. Would seeing a baby with Toby's beautiful blue eyes be a source of comfort? Or would it just be a constant reminder of what she lost and could never get back? Would she grow to resent her own child?

God, knows that he would have been a better parent than her. The child certainly deserved better than her. It might have been half her, but it was also half Toby. They deserved to be loved unconditionally. They deserved someone who would slave over a handmade Halloween costume, never miss a performance, and hang their perfect crayon drawing on the refrigerator. Any child of Toby's deserved the world.

"Spencer."

She should have realized that Emily wouldn't let her do that. She felt cool hands wrap around her wrists and pull the pillow out her grasp. Emily's concerned brown eyes appeared in her field of vision. "Spencer, you have to read it."

"Okay," she murmured. She felt every syllable, every piece of the word push its way out of her raw throat. Life wasn't supposed to be so hard. It wasn't supposed to be so painful. It didn't take much convincing. She really did want to know what Toby had to say, it's just that she didn't think it would be all that helpful. She couldn't deny it anymore. She was broken, probably irreparably so.

Emily slid the paper out of the envelope and passed it to her as Hanna lifted her head and put it in her lap. The position was supposed to be comforting, but it mostly just brought back the worst kind of memories.

_"Toby, are you alright?"_

_She sat up in alarm at the sound of his hacking cough and began to rub a gentle hand up and down the pronounced bumps in her spine. She didn't know what else to do. There was nothing to make you feel helpless quite like trying to take care of your sick husband._

_His coughing slowly died down, and he leaned back into her arms. Usually he wouldn't have burdened her with any of his weight, so he must have truly felt terrible. She leaned against the headboard so she could hold him without wavering and gently pressed her lips to the crown of his head. "I love you," she murmured softly, carefully running her fingers up and down his biceps. "Is there anything I can do?" She asked him, doing her best to keep the desperation out of her voice. That would only make him worry about her, and that's the last thing that she wanted right now. "Maybe some water or something?"_

_She felt his head shake in refusal. "Just don't let me go," he whispered. Even his words sounded painful, further shattering her broken heart. Wasn't there a bad person that this could be happening to?_

_"Never," she murmured. "I'm just going to help you lay down, okay? I think that you'll be more comfortable."_

_Without waiting for him to respond she wrapped her arms around the chest and stabilized him the best she could as the both slid down onto their sides. Once she was sure that he was secure she stood up briefly and walked to the other side of the bed, wanting to be able to see his face._

_As soon as she was back on the bed Toby wrapped his arms around her and pulled her against his chest. "Thank you," he murmured. His words were so muddled that it took her a moment to understand, but once she did she pulled away slightly so that she could look into his eyes._

_Her hands framed his face, and she was as gentle but firm as she could possibly be. "You don't have to thank me, Toby."_

_"I do," his eyes were as sad as his words were earnest. "I want you to promise me something."_

_"Whatever you want," she replied without hesitation._

_She should have known from the start that this wasn't going to be something that she liked. He lifted up a shaky hand and pushed her hair back behind her hair. "W-when I- when I die-"_

_"Toby-" she interrupted, not wanting to hear this._

_But instead of quieting down like he usually did his voice only got more persistent. "No, Spencer. Please. I know you don't want to talk about it, but we both know it's coming. I'll fight like hell, I promise. But I just- if I die- I need you to promise me that you'll find a way to move on."_

_"Are you kidding?" He had to be kidding. He had to. There was literally no way she would ever be able to move on from something like that. Ever._

_"Spencer." Her name rolled off its tongue, and she was once again struck with the way her said it. How had she gone the first 16 years of her life without hearing her name spoken like that? It was like he managed to convey every piece of what he felt for her through those two simple syllables. "Spencer, listen to me."_

_She blinked a few times, but didn't take her eyes off of his. She would tell him what he needed to hear, but she knew in her heart that there was no moving on from Toby._

_"I-" he began, but a rough cough immediately stole his words._

_"Toby," she murmured, just rubbing his back, doing whatever she could do to comfort him. "You're alright. You'll be fine. Just breath, baby. Just breath, it'll pass."_

_He nodded softly, like he was trying to talk himself out of it. Spencer scattered kisses across his face. "Are you sure you don't want me to get you some water?"_

_"N-no. Sweetheart, p-please just listen to me," he stuttered out._

_"I am, baby. I am. Say what you have to say." She framed his face with trembling hands, hopefully passing some comfort onto him._

_He nodded. "I love you. I l-love you so much that the thought of leaving you k-kills me. It kills me." Tears began to prick at the corners of his eyes. "I c-can't leave you without k-knowing you'll be okay. Y-you have to try, Spencer."_

_"I-" she began, having to work to keep the tears out of her voice. She was never going to move on from Toby. Never. But she would try her hardest to convince him that it was a possibility. If that's what he needed she would do it. She would do anything for him. "I- God, Toby, I'll try but..."_

_He nodded again, knowing that it was as good as he was going to get. He leaned in and kissed her softly. She could feel his lips trembling. All she could think about was how weak he was getting, how tired. He was slowing down, and God she hoped that he lived forever. But she knew that it wasn't going to happen._

_He was dying, and there was nothing she could do about it._

"Spence?"

Hanna's questioning tone brought her out of her memories, but it did nothing else for her. She took a deep, fortifying breath and unfolding the letter. Before she even tried to read it she held it to her nose. If she really tried she thought that maybe she could smell his scent. It was starting to fade from his shirts, and she didn't like it.

She pulled it away to an appropriate distance and began to carefully read the letter that was supposed to make everything okay again. As she scanned the letter and took in the shaky handwriting her heart ached. When he should have been at his most selfish Toby was still thinking about her. He was still trying to do what he thought was best for her.

**Spence,**

**Do you remember when my mom died? Before I got cancer that was truly the worst moment in my life. But you know what got me through it? You. The way that you were constantly there to hold me up when I thought I couldn't stand any longer, the way you kissed away the tears that I couldn't hold in, the way you took care of me when I couldn't bother taking care of myself... **

**When you came up to the podium to read the rest of my eulogy, that was when I knew that you were the only one in the world for me. I was pretty sure before hand, but it was in that moment, right in that second that I knew I would marry you. Part of me wanted to pull you outside and propose to you right in that moment. But I wouldn't do that to you. You deserved the best, and I was going to give that to you.**

**What's my point in telling you all of this? My mom dying was the worst part in my life, but I have a sinking suspicion that my death might be one of the worst in yours. And God, baby I wish I could be there for you. I wish I could hold you up the way you held me. I wish I could wipe away every tear that falls from your eyes. I wish I could kiss away the pain. I wish I could be there for you.**

**But honestly, sweetheart, I'm not so sure that I'm not. The kind of love I have for you isn't something that fades away. There's no way that anything could make that go away. Not even death. I'm there with you baby. I'm right there. I'm always with you.**

**So here's what I have for you, baby. Here's my surefire way to find the inner strength to go on. Do something that makes you happy. Go for a walk, watching a bad foreign movie, eat something good. Whatever, will make you smile. Stop blaming yourself, Spencer. You did everything perfectly. You didn't do anything wrong. You're the only reason that I survived for as long as I did. You'll be okay Spencer. You just have to be the one to believe it first.**

**And more than anything in the world Spencer, just remember how much you are loved. I love you more than I ever loved anyone or anything. You were my world, Spencer Hastings. You were and are everything to me. Your friends adore you. And your family loves you, even if they have a difficult time showing it. That love's unconditional, baby. And it's a good thing too, because God knows that you can be a pain in the ass. You're stubborn, a sore loser, a bed hog, and a smart ass. But you're also kind, loyal, loving, and the bed person that I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. Just hold onto that love Spencer. It'll be what gets you through this.**

**I love you. I love you so much. Hold onto that.**

**Toby**

She shoved the letter back into the envelop, her stomach twisting in some kind of unknown emotion. It wasn't quite sadness... but it wasn't anger, grief, or happiness either. It was like a heavy jumble of emotions settled in the bottom of her stomach like a ball of lead.

Toby _was _right. He really was. She _did _need to get out of the apartment. She _did _need to do something for herself. She _did _need to realize that it wasn't her fault. And honestly, more than any of that, she needed to remember that there were still people out there who loved her. This may very well be the hardest thing that she ever did. But it wasn't impossible, and it wasn't insurmountable.

She grabbed onto the bed frame and hauled herself upward. She might not be 100%. She might not even be 50%. But she could try. She had to try because it wasn't just about her anymore.

"Spencer?"

Her friends were literally the best in the world. She had to be looking like a crazy person right now, but still they were there for her. They never wavered in their support. She didn't know how long she had been staring off into space, but judging by the urgent sound of Emily's voice it had been awhile.

"Em?" She asked hesitantly, her voice hoarse but strong.

Emily grabbed one of her hands and gave it a gentle squeeze. "What's up, Spence?"

"C-can, um can you call the d-doctor?" Her voice wavered this time, the magnitude of what she was asking Emily to do caught up with her. "But make- make sure it isn't Wren," she added as an after thought. That was the last thing that she needed.

"For the baby?" Emily clarified as she pulled out her phone, poised to dial.

She nodded and scooted over a bit to lean her head against Hanna's shoulder. She decided to take Toby's advice and let her friends support her if she needed them to. They are more than capable and also pretty alright.

"Alright Spence," Hanna began with a mischievous sounding voice. "We're going to try to eradicate some of the saddy atmosphere in this room. What's your most favorite memory of Toby that doesn't involve sex or nudity. Actually nudity could be okay."

At the mention of nudity Spencer let out a soft snort of laughter, the perfect memory immediately coming to mind.

_"Oh thank the Lord Jesus God you're here." Caleb looked as though he would bow down and kiss her feet if that's what she wanted him to do._

_"Is he alright?" Caleb's urgency had her a bit concerned. Usually he could deal with Toby just fine on his own._

_"Oh yeah. Yeah, he's fine. About 100 points intoxicated He just wouldn't stop asking for you." Caleb put his hand on the small of her back and led her to the living room where several of his and Caleb's guy friends were scattered about._

_Jason DiLaurntis smirked as soon as he saw her. Spencer didn't know him all that well, but he seemed like a good guy. "T-Dawg! Your lady is here. You should come out and see what she thinks of this idea."_

_She was so confuse, but she lifted her eyes in the direction of the rustling coming from the kitchen and was surprised as her eyes met the sight of a butt naked Toby Cavanaugh. She coughed and blushed slightly, but she couldn't divert his eyes. He just literally had the best body in the entire world._

_"Spencer!" He sounded thrilled to see her. He usually sounded happy but maybe not quite so elated._

_"Toby," she laughed nervously and gave him a gingerly hug as threw his arms around her in a tight embrace. "Why are you naked?"_

_"Oh! I almost forgot! We're having Naked Time! Naked Midnight, alright? You'll celebrate Naked Midnight with me, right?" He backed away far enough so he could look in her eyes._

_"What's Naked Time?" She questioned, almost too afraid to ask._

_"Um where we all get naked and hang out," he replied, as though it were the dumbest question he ever heard._

_She opened her mouth and closed it a few times, at an absolute loss of house to respond. "Alright Toby," she laughed, deciding to try the only thing that was sure to get him to leave. "I'll take off all my clothes in front of your very male friends. Are you sure you're okay with that?"_

_"I'm okay with that!" A male voice chimed in from the couch. His outburst was punctuated by a sharp slap from Caleb. _

_Spencer tossed him a smile of thanks before turning back to Toby. "What do you say?"  
_

_"I say let's go back to your apartment for Naked Midnight," he replied quickly, shooting a dark glare at the guy on the couch._

_She laughed and linked her arm with his. "I thought you might feel that way."_

"No! That didn't happen!" Hanna gasped in all the right places.

"It totally did," Spencer laughed and sat up again. "He was drunk, adorable, and acting very inappropriate."

"But did you really have Naked Midnight?" Emily questioned as she took her spot back next to Spencer.

"No," she chucked. "I convinced him that Underwear Midnight was a better idea, so we watched Game of Thrones in our underwear and ate brownies. It was kind of a wonderful night," she sighed wistfully. She missed him.

Hanna frowned at her sudden change in demeanor. "We could do Underwear Midnight if you wanted, Spence!"

"As fun as that sounds..." she trailed off.

"As fun as that sounds, let's replace Underwear Midnight with doctor's appointment," Emily chimed in. "They squeezed you in at 2."

She nodded shortly and looked up at the ceiling, slowly closing her eyes. She didn't know if she was ready for this. But she had to be. Everything would be alright, and even if it wasn't, it didn't matter. She could do this for the baby. She could be strong for a little while longer.


	11. Chapter 11

**You guys are the best. This chapter is for Guest Reviewer Beck. I couldn't respond to your review, so you get the whole chapter. Thank you so much. Your kind words definitely made my day! **

**This chapter has a few medical things in it. Not a doctor. I googled it, but it might be wrong. If you've had cancer or if you're a medical student, apologies in advance for what I understood from confusing sites! I'm probably wrong. **

**Anyways, next chapter will be up when the story is to 96 reviews. You guys are marvelous, and I love you to the moon and back!**

Chapter 11

Failure wasn't an option, not for a Hastings. Not for her. She didn't want to be a failure anymore. But honestly, when did someone start to fail? Was it when they were still trying? No. A failure was someone who gave up trying. A failure was someone who consented to failure. It was someone who refused to continue to try. That wasn't her. She would get through this. She would.

But maybe not right now.

Toby's letter said that he wished that he could be there for her like she was there for him, but God he clearly forgot the way that he supported her through everything.

_She knew that taking the Adderall was stupid. She knew it. But it seemed worth it until now. Hanna and Emily found out and were livid with her._

_She wished that they understood, but they never would. They both had parents that loved them unconditionally. She knew that her parents loved her, but it came with certain conditions. If she couldn't keep up in school they wouldn't love her as much. If she didn't excel at sports their love for her would decrease. If she was less than the perfect daughter then they would treat her like she was nothing._

_The Adderall was worth it right up until that minute. The ability to stay up all night to do her homework and practice made the shaky limbs, queazy stomach, and numb extremities worth it. But now that she had earned Hanna and Emily's disapproval she realized how stupid she was. This was dangerous._

_She pulled open her kitchen door and slid inside, hoping to not alert anyone to her presence. But when she turned around to face the room she was met with a shocking, albeit not altogether unwelcome, sight. "Toby?" She walked to him and put her hand on his shoulder. From the moment she felt him flinch she knew that someone had told him._

_He spun around in the chair and just looked at her wish anguished eyes. "Why didn't you tell me, Spencer?"_

_"What was I supposed to say?" She asked him incredulously. "Oh hey Toby. While you were away I got addicted to my ADHD medication. You know, just as a conversation starter."_

_"You were supposed to tell me," he said firmly. His hands reached up to frame her face. The moment that he touched her she felt the trembling of his fingers. He was worried. "Spencer, how am I supposed to help you if I don't even know that you're in trouble?"_

_"How did you even find out to begin with?" she asked him, not really ready to deal with this. She knew he wouldn't let her deflect for long, but any short amount of time would be well appreciated._

_"Emily called me," he indulged her question. As he spoke he pulled himself up to his feet and gently clasped both of her hands. "Spence, talk to me. What's going on? Why are you doing this?"_

_"D-do," she stuttered, kind of afraid of the answer, "Do my parents know about this?"_

_"No! Of course not. But- but maybe you should tell them."_

_Her eyes widened in horror. Was he kidding? If she told her parents this they would never forgive her. They would never love her again. They would- they would probably finally admit that they preferred Melissa. No. No, she couldn't do this. She couldn't. But before she could say anything the front door gave off the prominent squeak that meant someone was coming inside. She turned to Toby in panic._

_He glanced over his shoulder and grabbed her hand, lacing their fingers together and leading her toward the back door. She let him lead her out the door without a word. She was so stupid; so, so, so stupid. Why did she let this happen? Why did she do this to herself?_

_He led her across the lawn and into his truck. He carefully helped her inside before walking around and climbing in next to her. He immediately wrapped both of his arms around her and pulled her securely against her side. "Spencer, listen to me. I don't know why you did this, but what I do know is that it doesn't change anything."_

_His supportive voice, the feeling of his hand gently stroking her hair, and the way he held her against himself as though to shield her from the world slowly made the world seem clearer. His lips brushed across her forehead in the lightest of touches._

_And as much as she wanted to let Toby comfort her she couldn't. She couldn't do it. Her heart ached with love for him, but she didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve anything. The nausea working it's way through her body was a stark reminder of that. She needed a pill. She needed it now, before she lost her mind. "Toby, I- I need-"_

_His arms tightened around her, bringing her even closer. "No you don't, Spence. You're stronger than this." His lips pressed against her forehead, and he hunched over her, completely enveloping her trembling body. "I'm right here, sweetheart. Focus on me. Just focus on my voice."_

_She leaned into his chest, letting him completely support her weight. She could see, hear, feel, or smell anything but him. She pressed on his chest, half-heartedly trying to get him to release her. "J-just one more. Please just let me have one more." She was crying. It was humiliating, but she was crying. Why was so weak? "I'm sorry. I'm s-so sorry," she stammered, burying her face into his chest._

_He took in a shaky breath, and suddenly her head was wet. It took her a moment to realize that that meant that he too was crying. No, this wasn't okay. Toby shouldn't be sad, and she certainly shouldn't be the cause of it. He took in another shaky breath and pressed his lips to the top of her head before pulling away just far enough to look into her eyes. "I love you. I love you so much, and I don't care how hard it is or how long it takes; I will be here with you every single step of the way. You'll never be alone." He gently grabbed her face and tilted her head upward. "Spencer, do you hear me? You'll never be alone."_

_"I love you," she breathed and leaned upward to kiss him. "I love you," she repeated and tucked herself back into his side. With Toby maybe she really would be okay. Maybe she would be able to move past this._

It was so fundamentally wrong for him to say that he wished that he could be there for her. Because he had been there for her throughout their entire relationship. He was so remarkably selfless. He always,** always **put her first. He never for one second let her feel like she was alone. He never let her feel like she was worthless. He never let her dwell on the negatives in her life. He was always there for her.

And she knew that he would be there for her now if he was able too. He would wipe away her tears and kiss her. He would hold her when she needed comfort, and he was secure enough in their relationship to kick her ass out of the apartment after 72 straight hours of being inside.

"Spencer, are you ready for this?"

No. No, she wasn't at all ready for this. She could probably put this off for the rest of her life. But she knew that it wasn't possible. Instead she nodded reluctantly.

At least she could count on the consistent lengthy wait before being called by the doctor. She curled up in a chair and watched the bright orange fish swim around in the massive fish tank. It kind of reminded her of the disturbing Finding Nemo movie. She didn't know why people thought that it was cute, because it truly disturbed her. What was amusing about that poor fish child getting kidnapped? Nothing.

"Spencer Hastings?"

Apparently this hospital didn't subscribe to the slow appointments ideology. She hesitated and pulled herself up to a standing position. Her legs felt like lead and her steps were wobbly. One foot in front of the other. Step by step.

A gentle hand grabbed hers. She looked up and gave Hanna a distracted smile. "Thanks, Han," she mumbled.

"Um, no where else I'd rather be, babes. Em went to go grab us some food. Let's go check on my little niece or nephew."

It was good that Hanna was there, because as soon as the walked into the room she might have run away scared. If she did this, if she admitted that she was pregnant, that meant that she also had to admit that her time of laying in bed sad was over. She didn't know if she could keep this baby. She didn't know if she could live with the reminder of what she lost. But what she did know was that she certainly was not going to do anything to harm this little part of Toby that she had left.

Once again, the doctor walked into the room in record time. Did this office to recognize the need for a little mental preparation? Although, granted, if given the opportunity she would simply over think to the point that she couldn't function. She took a hold of the pee cup that the doctor handed her and walked into the small enclosed bathroom. She slipped her hand under the hem of her shirt and wrapped the edge of Toby's undershirt around her hands.

And somehow it did provide a great deal of comfort. Because maybe Toby was right. Maybe he was right. The two of them shared a fairy tale kind of love. She loved him with every single part of her soul, and she was absolutely certain that he loved her in equal measure. She never worried that his love for her was fading. She never worried about him with other woman. She knew that she was the one who held his heart. They shared a kind of love that people wait their entire lives for, and that some never find.

Who says that that loved dies with death? Who says that it can't be felt from beyond the grave? Because she knew that she still loved Toby, and in her worst moments she felt waves of his love for her. She still felt it. Science tells us that matter cannot be created or destroyed. Maybe it's the same way for love. Maybe the love that Toby felt for her is just floating around in the universe, waiting for her to die as well. And then maybe once they died their love would be recreated for some new couple.

Or maybe Aristophanes had it right. Maybe soul mates did exist. Before meeting Toby she would have denied it vehemently, but how else could she describe the relationship between them? Their souls were connected. Maybe having a soul mate meant that they were the two separate sides to the same body. It made sense. Why else would she feel this kind of loss? Why else would she feel like she was missing a part of herself.

She silently handed the doctor the cup filled with her pee and listened half-heartedly as he told her he would be right back with the results.

"Spencer, seriously, tell me the truth. Are you alright?" Hanna asked her as soon as the doctor left the room.

She was getting really tired of people asking her that. "What do you think?" She snapped. Almost immediately she regretted her tone. "I'm sorry, Han. It's just-"

"No, don't apologize Spencer. I understand," Hanna sat down on a chair and grabbed a magazine from the table.

Spencer sighed and pulled her legs up to her chest, positive that half of the problem was just how deeply she had come to despise any form of doctor.

_"They said that they needed to talk about my results. It might not be bad. Maybe- well I can't think of a good reason," Toby sighed and brushed his thumb across her knuckles. "But don't panic until we know it's necessary, Spence."_

_"I'm not panicking," she lied. She pulled her legs up to her chest, trying to make the uncomfortable doctor's office chairs more comfortable._

_"You know how I can always tell you're panicking?" He chuckled conversationally. "You have this cute little vein by your eye that comes out to play. Usually you can't see it at all, but when you get nervous it's a nice little flash of blue."_

_She brought her free hand up to the place he indicated, although it obviously didn't do anything to hide a vein she couldn't see. "Well, can you blame me? What if there's something wrong with you, Toby? I- I just-"_

_"I know," he murmured, pressing a soft kiss to her temple. "I know, sweetheart. If it were you I'd be much more nervous. But no matter what, everything will be fine, alright? I promise, I will make sure that everything's fine for you."_

_Before she could tell him that the only thing that would make everything fine was having him with her the doctor walked into the room. She could tell from the firm set of his mouth that something was wrong. This wasn't going to be news that she wanted to hear._

_He hesitated and turned to her. "Mrs. Cavanaugh, I presume?" He stuck has hand out for her to shake. "It's very nice to meet you."_

_She shook his hand, but a tight smile was all the acknowledgement that she could produce right now. Please don't be anything too bad. Please don't be anything too bad._

_Toby glanced down at her briefly before turning to his doctor. "What's wrong?"_

_The doctor sighed and took a seat across from them. "As you know, we did several tests once your blood counts came back abnormal. One of- um one of those test came back positive." He paused. She wasn't sure whether he was trying to work himself up to telling them the news that would ruin their lives or whether he was looking for a dramatic pause. Either way, he hesitated. "It was your bone marrow biopsy. I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, Mr. Cavanaugh, but you have leukemia. This is much more common in childhood, which is why it took us so long to correctly diagnose it."_

_Toby was still and silent, which wasn't a good sign. She glanced at him for a moment before taking over the questioning. She mostly wanted to curl up in the corner and cry. This wasn't okay. This was not okay. He didn't deserve this. But if she got emotional he would worry about her, and that wasn't an option right now. He needed to be selfish and worry about himself. "What do we do now?"_

_The doctor kept his eyes on Toby for a moment before swiveling his gaze to Spencer. "Well, his case is quite advance, which was the cause of the symptoms that he originally came in here for. Therefore, we think it would be beneficial to begin him on a chemotherapy treatment."_

_"And the success rate of that is...?" They were going to end up hating her here, but she wasn't about to let them do any pointless tests or treatments on Toby._

_The edge of the doctor's mouth turned upward. Or maybe he would appreciate her. "Not good, admittedly. But it does work in some instances. His best bed is most likely a bone marrow transplant."_

_"Okay," she said. "And that is usually successful?"_

_"Many times it is. It's finding a donor that is typically the problem. That can take months to years."_

_She glanced at Toby, who was still staring at the wall. He must be in shock. "Okay. Well, you should test me whenever you're ready. We'll also do our best to get a hold of his parents."_

_"Spence-"_

_She knew exactly what he was going to say, and she wasn't going to hear his protests. She covered his mouth with her hand, doing her best to hide its shaking. He didn't need to see how upset she was. She flashed the doctor an apologetic smile before turning to Toby. "Listen to me right now. You are not going to protest help from people that love you. You aren't. You just aren't. Let me do what I can, Toby."_

_His eyes turned down to her hand as though to ask her to move it. It was unnecessary, it wasn't like she could make him do anything that he didn't want to do. But it was a little amusing. When she removed his hand she was rewarded with a small smile. "I love you," he murmured._

_"I love you too," she sighed, taking his hand and turning back to the doctor. They would beat this. They would do it._

"Ms. Cavanaugh?" The doctor waited until she made eye contact before continuing. "I just wanted to tell you that your home pregnancy test was accurate. You are indeed pregnant. About two months along. Congratulations!"

Congratulations. That was a joke. There was no joy in this pregnancy. No celebration. All that she could think about was that Toby should be here. He should be here. He should. He would be a wonderful father, and he deserved this. "Thank you," she whispered.

"Is the father in the picture?" He asked innocently, having no idea the can of worms he opened up with that question.

Spencer winced visibly and closed her eyes, burying her face in her hands. Why couldn't he be here? Why did he have to die?

"Her husband just recently passed away," Hanna explained quietly, placing a soothing hand on her back. "Spence, it's alright. Everything's fine. Just breath, alright?"

She tried to calm her breathing, but it was taking more effort than she would have liked.

"I'm so sorry, Ms. Cavanaugh, I didn't realize." The only thing saving this man from a massive sarcastic response was the face that he truly sounded repentant. He continued almost immediately. "Just- I know how hard it can be. My first wife died as well. I know how hard it can be to move on. But you have to take care of yourself for the baby's sake."

She looked up and gave him a sardonic glare and stood up. "Thank you." She didn't bother to say anything else. She turned and walked out of the office. She could hear Hanna making apologies for her and grabbing her prescription, but she didn't stop. She didn't even slow. She couldn't be here any longer.

"Spencer!" Hanna caught up to her and grabbed her arm.

Spencer immediately turned and faced her best friend, the emotions of the day finally boiling over into anger. "I know Hanna! I know I was rude, and I know that he probably thinks I'm bat shit crazy right now. Crazy! And I'm alright with that! I don't care. I don't care about anything. How can anything matter?! How am I supposed to go on without Toby? Every time I think that I'm okay, every time that I think it might be possible, something knocks me on my ass and I have to start over again. And now a baby?! A baby? How am I supposed to do this? How am I supposed to be strong enough for this? I just want to sleep. I just want it to be over."

Halfway through her speech the anger fizzled out and turned into tears. They started out as steady and quickly transformed into a sob. This wasn't okay. It wasn't. She should be stronger than this.

Hanna wrapped her arms around Spencer and slid to the ground with her. "You are strong enough, Spencer. You are. You can do anything." She just sat there on the dirty ground and stroked Spencer's hair until her breathing slowed. "Are you alright now?"

"No," she whispered. "But I know what I need to do. Can we go see Toby's dad?"


	12. Chapter 12

**Couple things. This last chapter got 4 reviews... if you guys aren't liking this story anymore tell me so I can wrap it up! Next chapter will be up when this story gets to 100 reviews, whether that takes a day or a week! I like leaving this in your hands :)**

**This will be the last memory-ridden chapter. The next nine chapters will go monthly through her pregnancy. Her struggles and her triumphs. That kind of thing. There will still be memories. Just less. Just so you know what's coming :).**

**Next chapter- Another letter, an unexpected visitor, and a change of opinion.**

Chapter 12

She was absolutely certain that Hanna didn't understand why she wanted to go see Toby's dad. Hell, she wasn't quite sure that she understood it herself. But she was absolutely positive that was what she needed to do.

Toby's dad- he wasn't exactly apathetic. It was more like he was so empathetic that he responded by not responding. He was largely uninvolved in Toby's life until he found out that he was sick, and that was largely Toby's doing. Although it was very justified at the time.

_Toby lifted their intertwined fingers above their supine position on his bed. He almost immediately pulled it down and gently kissed each of her knuckles. She let out an uncharacteristic giggle. "What are you doing?"_

_"Trying to show you how much I love you," he replied simply._

_Most high school guys were having burping contests and here Toby is holding her and cuddling with her. "I love you too," she laughed and pressed a soft kiss to his neck._

_He kissed the top of her head, but before he could respond he was interrupted by his father bursting into his room. He sat up immediately, dragging Spencer with him. "What the hell, dad?"_

_Mr. Cavanaugh didn't even look at him. "Spencer, it's time to leave."_

_She glanced between Toby and his dad before nodding reluctantly. She tried to pull herself up but Toby kept his arms in a vice grip around her waist. "Toby," she murmured with her hands on his chest. She didn't particularly appreciate being ordered around, but she also didn't want to get on Mr. Cavanaugh's bad side. As much as she disliked the older man, he was still Toby's dad._

_Toby shook his head and offered her a placating kiss to the temple before turning to his dad. "We're working on a school project. We were just talking a little break. But we have to get it done tonight."_

_"I don't give a shit what you have to do, Toby. I have to talk to you, and I'm trying to be considerate and not embarrass you in front of your girlfriend." He slammed the door behind him and walked in. "But if you want it this way I'm happy to oblige."_

_"What are you talking about?" He asked in confusion. _

_"Maybe I should go..." Spencer trailed off uncertainly with a side glance at Toby, but resigned herself to being present for an awkward family conversation when Toby's arms tightened around her._

_Mr. Cavanaugh was obviously fuming, but he shrugged. "Well, I just had a very illuminating conversation with your sister, and I thought I'd come get your side before deciding what action to take."_

_She felt him flinch at the mention of Jenna, but his voice gave off none of the apprehension. "What are you talking about?" He repeated._

_She didn't know what was gong on, but what she did know was that anything Jenna was involved in couldn't be good. She reached up and intertwined her fingers with Toby's._

_"I'm talking about her claims that you forced yourself on her, Toby. Is this true or not?"_

_Oh hell no. Oh no way in hell that bitch went there. Toby was worried that if he continued to refuse her she would lash out, and here it was. She glanced at Toby, and when she saw how still he was she knew that she needed to come to his defense. "Are you kidding me?"_

_"Spencer, stay out of this."_

_She didn't even glance at Toby this time. She absolutely refused to let this unfounded accusations go on for even a second longer. "No. Sorry, but there's no way in hell that I'm staying out of this. Are you kidding? Do you seriously think that he's capable of this?"_

_"That's what I'm trying to figure out. Drop the hostility, young lady."_

_His words suggested that he was trying to be judicious, but his tone suggested the exact opposite. She turned her back on Mr. Cavanaugh and framed Toby's face with her hands. "You don't deserve this. My parents are out of town until next Saturday. Do you want to come stay with me for awhile?"_

_Toby ripped his eyes away from his father to look at her. Her heart ached as she saw the pain in his eyes. He nodded silently. Spencer tightened her hand around his and pulled him up to a standing position. A rough hand grabbed her shoulder, stopping her progress. "You're not going anywhere, Toby. Not until we get to the bottom of this. Spencer, you really do need to leave now."_

_She whirled around so fast that Mr. Cavanaugh immediately dropped his hand. She didn't let go of Toby's hand, knowing that he would need all the comfort that he could get. That bitch. That unbelievable bitch. "Mr. Cavanaugh, I say this with all due respect, but you are out of line right now. I don't understand how you could have raised him and still asked him whether or not he could do something like that. You shouldn't have to ask. You should know. You should know who he is. Because he's been in my life for significantly less than he's been in yours, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that Jenna is lying. She's lying, and you're falling right into it. You're irreparably damaging this relationship for a ludicrous and unfounded rumor. Your son is the most kind, gentle, loving man that I have ever met. And honestly? You don't deserve to know him. He's 18 years old, and he doesn't need poison like you in his life. We're leaving."_

_She tightened her grip on Toby's hand and led him out of the room and through the house. Mr. Cavanaugh didn't try to stop them, and she wasn't sure why. Maybe he was in shock that she reacted like that. Maybe he was too angry to speak. Maybe he was plotting their murder. Either way, she was grateful. As soon as they were outside she turned to Toby. "Do you want me to drive?"_

_He nodded, still not speaking. This silence was really concerning, but she was alright with it as long as he was alright. She led him to her car, opened the door for him, and waited for him to settle in before going around and getting in on her own side. She started the car and drove down the road, gently stroking her thumb over his knuckles. A side glance at him showed her that he wasn't ready to go home, so she drove up to lookout point._

_She pulled into a spot off to the side and immediately got out of the car. She walked around to the other side, took both of his hands, and led him down the path to their usual sitting place. Once they were settled she looked at him, doing her absolute best to keep the sympathy out of her eyes. He wouldn't want that. "What can I do?"_

_He looked at her for a moment before wrapping his arms around her so fast that she barely even saw it happening. He pulled her to his chest and pressed his lips to the top of her head. "Nothing. Nothing more, because you've already done so much __for me. No one- no one has ever defended me like that before. No one but my mom."_

_She couldn't speak, a lump of emotion working its way up her throat. He didn't deserve this. He deserved so much better, and she would spend the rest of her life making sure to make that happen for him._

"Spence, do you want to call ahead?" Emily asked as she maneuvered the car onto the highway.

"No," she murmured, leaning her head against the cool window. "He doesn't like me much, and I don't want to give him a chance to refuse. I- I need to talk to him."

Emily nodded and drove the car down the highway and onto her childhood street. She pulled in front of the house and hesitated. "Do you want us to wait?"

Spencer bit her lip, not really sure how to answer. "Why don't you guys go visit your mom, Em? I'll just walk over when we're done."

Emily nodded again and unlocked the door. Spencer trudged out of the car and up the lawn. She still wasn't sure what she needed to say to him, but she knew that she needed to see him. She just had to talk to him.

She quickly rapped on the door and waited for him to answer, praying that he was home. If Jenna or her mom answered she was going to lose it. She just needed to talk to Mr. Cavanaugh.

Footsteps tapped across the interior floors as someone made their way to answer the door. The door swung open, revealing Mr. Cavanaugh's face. His face was colored with shock when he saw that it was her on the other side. "Spencer?"

"Mr. Cavanaugh," she murmured. "Can we talk for a second?" Even seeing his face hurt because he looked so much like Toby. He had the same blue eyes, the same messy brown hair, the same nose. But it hurt in a good way. Like, maybe Toby was gone but there were still parts of him left in the world.

"Yeah," he said slowly, obviously still concerned and confused. He held the door open for her and led her into the living room.

They both sat down on the couch, and she struggled to tell him why she came. She wasn't even sure why she came to begin with.

"Spencer-" Mr. Cavanaugh began slowly. "Spencer, I think I owe you an apology."

"You already apologized," she replied immediately. She hated it when people apologized. It was uncomfortable and awkward. Especially when they had nothing to apologize for. Mr. Cavanaugh did his best to make amends with Toby toward the end, and that's all that she could ask for.

_She absentmindedly ran her fingers through Toby's hair. It was finally getting a little length back after his chemotherapy and she liked it. She was pretty sure that this motion was more soothing to her than it was to him, but it certainly wasn't bad for him either. It didn't matter how long he had left. It didn't matter how sick he was, because here and now he was still with her. He was okay for now, and that had to be enough. "Do you want me to go find something for lunch?"_

_"I don't know if I can keep anything down," he admitted reluctantly. But when he tilted up and took in the pained look on her face he backtracked immediately. "But I can try."_

_"You need to eat something, baby. Soup? Ice cream? I don't really care. We just need to get something in your stomach." She dropped down and pressed a soft kiss to his forehead._

_He closed his eyes and hummed in contentment as her lips made contact with her skin. "Maybe some ice cream. My throat hurts, and it might feel good."_

_She nodded and carefully lifted his head out of her lap, replacing it with a pillow. They had a variety of ice cream. Before she brought him home she had spoken with the nurses, wanting to make sure that she had everything that he needed, and ice cream was the common factor between all of the suggestions. So she basically bought out all the ice cream at the grocery store. But before she could pull it out of the freezer a loud knock rapped on the door._

_"I'll get it," she said immediately, lest Toby get any stupid ideas and try to answer it for himself. She breezed past him on the couch, briefly touched her fingers to his face, and pulled the door open. _

_Her smile immediately slid off of her face at the sight of Mr. Cavanaugh on the other side. Was this a joke? Four years of near radio silence and this was when he decided to pop back up again? "What the hell are you doing here?" Her voice was much more venomous than usual, and she knew this would cause Toby alarm. But she couldn't stop herself. If there was anyone in the world she would wish be struck by lightning or eaten by a boa constrictor it was Mr. Cavanaugh. How dare he show up here now._

_"Spence?" Toby's weak voice was concerned from where she left him on the couch. _

_Immediately repentant, she left her spot at the door and walked back to the couch. She squatted in front of it and gently stroked his cheek. "Everything's fine, sweetheart. I'm sorry. It's just your dad. Do you want to talk to him or should I make him leave?"_

_Mr. Cavanaugh approached the couch, but Spencer gave him a scathing glare that stopped him in his tracks. He would not be talking to Toby; not if Toby didn't want to talk to him. But she should have realized that Toby was far more forgiving than she was. His hand sought out hers. 'No, I'll talk to him. Help me up?" He requested hoarsely._

_"Of course," she replied. He hadn't even had to ask. She took his other hand and pulled hard until he was in a sitting position, and then quickly put her arms around his waist, settling him against the cushions. "We'll be right back, sweetheart." She kissed his cheek and pushed his hair away from his sweaty forehead. She looked into his eyes and waited for him to nod before walking away._

_Her fingers wrapped around Mr. Cavanaugh's wrist, pulling him into the kitchen and out of earshot of Toby. "He's sick. He's too sick for this. If you upset him, if I hear even a quiver of something other than neutrality in his voice I will throw you out, but not before kicking your ass."_

_The older man's lips twitched, which was insulting. She really would annihilate anyone who upset Toby. He deserved nothing but peace. "I'm not kidding."  
_

_"I know you aren't," he said softly. "I'll be nice."_

_She nodded. "Then go talk to him. I'll be back in there in a minute. I just need to get his pills and something for him to eat."_

_Mr. Cavanaugh looked at her with something unfathomable in his eyes before turning around and walking into the living room._

_As quickly as she could she got together a bowl of ice cream, a glass of water, and the cocktail of pills he had to take to keep his body functioning. As she walked into the room she heard the tail end of Mr. Cavanaugh's sentence. "-was wrong, and I should have come to talk to you sooner."_

_She sat they tray down on the end table. "Sorry to interrupt, but you need to take your pills, Toby. I'll give you some privacy." It sounded like a good conversation, and there was no way in hell that she was going to get in the way of that. _

_But before she could walk away, Toby's cold fingers found her her hand. She could feel them trembling as he laced their fingers together. She looked down at him questioningly._

_"Stay," he whispered, tugging gently on her arm._

_She was incapable of refusing him anything at this point, so she perched on the edge of the couch, making sure to give Toby plenty of room._

_He gave her a side glance before responding to his dad. "You don't have to apologize. I was mad at you for taking her side, and more than anything I was hurt. But it gave me the strength to get away from her once and for all, so I suppose I should be thanking you."_

_"There's no excuse for the way I treated you, Toby. No excuse. I know who you are. I was just so blinded by the hurt I felt after your mom's death that I just couldn't go on. But God, I knew you couldn't do that to another person. And to find out that she was the one- I just am so sorry."_

_She wasn't expecting this, but it was a nice turn of events. She leaned back on the couch and carefully played with Toby's fingers as she listened to the long deserved apology._

Present day Mr. Cavanaugh cleared his through and wrung his hands in his lap. "I apologized to my son, but I also owe you an apology. The way I talked to you, the way I treated you, was inexcusable."

"I only cared about how you treated Toby," she replied after a long pause. This was an unnecessary apology. He didn't treat her well, but that was fine. It didn't matter how he treated her. What mattered was how poorly he treated his son.

"You were so good to him Spencer. You were so good to him and for him." His voice was sincerely saturated with gratitude.

"What do you mean?" She didn't want to make assumptions, and this sounded like something that he needed to say. So she could listen silently.

"It's probably hard for you to see. You didn't know him so well beforehand. But the changes in him once he got with you were indescribable. I'm going to do a bad job of describing this. Can I show you something?"

She nodded, strangely moved by his speech. It wasn't particularly heartfelt, but hearing this man acknowledge the impact she had on Toby's life felt important.

Mr. Cavanaugh got up and almost immediately came back with a folded piece of paper. "Toby wrote me a letter right before he died. I got it in the mail the day he died. It was- it was incredibly beautiful and just poetic timing."

He passed her the letter, and she unfolded it with shaking hands. She briefly brought the paper to her lips, gently pressing them to the carefully scrawled words. Somehow just having her lips this close to something that Toby had once touched provided her with an incredible sense of comfort. She opened her eyes and began to scan the letter. The handwriting in this one was better than the handwriting in every letter she had gotten, indicating that he might have written this one earlier.

**Dad,**

**I don't know why I'm writing this to you, other than to hopefully provide you with some semblance of comfort. And you should feel privileged, actually. I'm writing yours first. Before anyone's, even Spencer's. Although with Spencer it's more that I don't know how to say goodbye to her than anything. And yes, you read that correctly. Goodbye. I'm not going to make it. I know that. I know that there's no way that I'm going to be able to win this fight. And I don't want to go. I just don't. My life is finally getting to a place where I'm consistently happy; overjoyed even.**

**I guess mostly what I wanted to tell you was that I'm alright. I was always alright, I just didn't see it at the time. You could have been a better dad. You could have been there for me. You could have protected me against Jenna. You could have comforted me after mom died. But honestly? I'm almost grateful that you didn't, because it allowed me to open up the door to my heart to Spencer, which was the best decision that I ever made.**

**So yes, I was alright, and it was almost entirely because I met Spencer. I think you understand. You loved mom. Even though you divorced, I know that you loved her. You know what it's like to love unconditionally. But the thing is, my love for Spencer even goes deeper than that. She literally and truly saved me more times than I can count. She saved me when mom died. She saved me from Jenna. She gave me the strength to go on when I felt like I had nothing to live for. She showed me that I was worth something. She showed me that there was beauty in the world. But even more than all of that, she showed me what real love looks like.**

**I know she's going to come see you after I die. Don't ask me how I know that. I just know my wife. Show her this letter, because she needs to see. She needs to realize what she meant to me, what she did for me. I need her to know that. You weren't there when I needed you, but you can do this for me. Help her to see this. Help her to see that there's a reason to go on.**

**This letter ended up being very different than I anticipated, but no apologies. I love you dad. I always have, and I don't blame you for anything. You need to know that. It wasn't your fault.**

**Toby**

At the end of the letter she carefully folded it up and passed it back to Mr. Cavanaugh. Once her hands were free she wiped away the tears that had escaped while she read. "I miss him," she whispered brokenly, not sure why she was telling this to him.

"I do too," he said softly. "I do every single day. Every day I'm filled with regret for the way that I treated him. For the relationship that we could have had."

"He didn't blame you, Mr. Cavanaugh. I know it's hard to believe, but he really didn't. He was upset at first, but I think that he understood after awhile." She spent so many years hating this man enough for the both of them that it was just truly strange offering him comfort.

"That's the kind of person he was. He was like his mother in that way," he said. "But Spencer, what he said about you in that letter- God, he loved you so much. I just don't think I even realized until now. He loved you so much."

"I know. I know he did. But that doesn't make this any easier." She shrugged.

"I know it doesn't. But it's true. And you. God, I should have thanked you years ago. You were there for him when no one else was. Even at the end. You gave up your whole life for him. You quit your job, you ignored your family and friends, you gave up a year of your life to make sure that he was taken care of. You're an incredibly woman, Spencer, and I'm so glad that he had you."

"I just did what anyone would have done," she replied immediately. And it's what she truly thought. She hadn't done anything remarkable.

"Not true," he said. "Not true at all. Some people run when the going gets tough, but you didn't. You were there for it all."

She just looked at him after that. How was it possible that this man was managing to comfort her better than anyone else in her life had? How was he managing to make her see things clearly? "Mr. Cavanaugh, I- I'm pregnant."

He started, not expecting that. "Toby's?"

Well that was insulting. "Yes, b-but I-"

"You don't know if you're going to keep it?" He surmised gently.

"I **will **have this baby. I won't kill something that's half Toby. I just won't do it. But- b-but I don't know if I c-can handle the constant reminder of w-what I lost." She blinked, trying to avoid crying. There had been enough of that lately.

He nodded thoughtfully. "Either way, will you let me see my grandchild first? Can I be there? I just want to hold them- just once- if you decide on adoption.

Even a few weeks ago that would have been laughable. Having Mr. Cavanaugh there when she gave birth would have been the last thing that she wanted to do. But now? "I think that's okay."


	13. Chapter 13

**I clearly worded my last author's note badly lol. There will 100% be tons of flashbacks. Lots of them. Because I love them too! We obviously need tons of Toby. But in the past few chapters it was MUCH more flashback than present, and all I was saying was that there's more to tell in the present now.**

**I've never lost a significant other, but I imagine there would be good days and bad. This was one of the good.**

**Thanks so much for the reviews, and the next chapter will be posted once I notice this story is up to 110 reviews! THIS IS LONG. So you should have plenty to talk about :)**

Chapter 13

**September**

She had read about the resiliency of the human mind, but recently it had been proven to her again and again. No one would have blamed her for giving up. It would have been understandable under the circumstances. But she hadn't. It had been a month since her world shattered and yet she still continued to persevere.

Sometimes she still felt shocked about how life continued to go on. It went on even when she thought that the world would stop turning. The sun still rose in the morning and set at night. The birds chirped outside her window every day to wake her up. Her friends were still unfailingly wonderful. That was the only reason that she was still holding on.

Well that and the slow swelling of her stomach. Her right hand brushed over her belly, and she couldn't stop a soft smile. This was by far the hardest thing she ever did, but it was incredibly satisfying to realize that she was strong enough to handle this. She was strong enough to live with a constant reminder of the worst thing that had ever happened to her growing in her stomach. She was strong enough to live a daily reminder of what she lost.

"Spencer, what kind of fruit do you want on your waffles?"

Few people knew how good of a cook Caleb was, but she was becoming more and more acquainted with his particular style of cooking as of late. Her friends believed that she wouldn't feed herself, and honestly, before she figured out about the baby that was probably an accurate assumption. But now she knew what she had to do.

Caleb, and anyone who hadn't been pregnant, didn't understand how difficult of a question that was. "Well, I want strawberries, but I think the baby wants blueberries. Because I don't even like blueberries, but I have craving right now."

"Blueberries and strawberries it is," he chuckled and slid a plate of delicious smelling waffles in front of her. Part of her was really embarrassed by this constant care taking, but mostly she just was really excited by the constant stream of food. She had never eaten quite so well. Toby wasn't much of a cook, and she was a big fan of the whole instant gratification thing that came along with take out.

She popped a strawberry into her mouth and looked down at her hands, twisting her wedding ring around on her finger. Everyone was telling her that she would have to take it off soon, but she wasn't sure that she could handle that. Obviously she had taken it off since her wedding, but it was only for a shower or doing the dishes. Taking it off for longer felt like a betrayal, like she was ignoring her vows.

She closed her eyes as she chewed on the fruit, remembering what was decidedly the best day of her life.

_She stood in the back of the church clutching her father's arm as though it were her lifeline. He was largely a pretty terrible father, but in this moment she knew that she could trust him not to let her fall. "Dad, remind me to kill Hanna for forcing me into these shoes."_

_He chuckled, "Noted. Are you ready for this, Spence?"_

_"I don't think that I've ever been more ready for something," she admitted with a smile. Her heart jumped as the music increased into the wedding march. _

_Mr. Hastings smiled at his daughter before leading her out into the aisle. She looked down, because if she looked at Toby she was probably just going to run the rest of the way. Her friends subscribed to the traditional parts of the wedding thing and absolutely refused to allow her and Toby to see each other 24 hours before the wedding, which was basically torture. The last time the Toby and her had been apart for that long was when she was in college, but at least they could talk at nights. It had been total enforced radio silence._

_She really appreciated her dad leading her down the aisle, because she knew that for some unfathomable situation he didn't like Toby. It didn't make sense to her, and she wasn't going to dwell on it. Not today. But regardless, she appreciated that he was willing to walk her down the aisle._

_She felt her dad slow down, and her eyes lifted up to take in the alter. Effortlessly her eyes met Toby's. That was how they worked. They were like the opposite sides of a magnet. There was nothing that could stop her from picking out Toby in a crowd. Her heart always knew._

_Tears immediately welled up in her eyes as she saw the wetness on his cheeks. This was all she every wanted and didn't know to ask for. For her entire life she wanted nothing more than to be loved. Her parents cared for her, but their love was different. It was based upon conditions. She learned from a young age that her parents loved the one that was succeeding. But Toby loved her unconditionally. He loved her when she was being a pain in the ass. He loved her when she was being psychotic. He loved her when he OCD tendencies came out. He always loved her. And he always looked out for her. That was often a source of contention. She didn't feel like she needed someone to tell her that it was cold out and she needed a jacket or that the coffee she was drinking was too hot. But it was still a beautiful thing to know that someone was always looking out for you._

_Her dad gently squeezed her hand and passed it into Toby's. His hand gently enclosed around hers and led her up the steps and in front of the waiting minister._

_She couldn't focus on anything other than his eyes. The clear blue was made even bluer by the tears swirling around inside of them. The joy she felt was clearly reflected back at her. But joy wasn't even a strong enough word. It was hard to imagine that there was anyone happier than her. In this moment their love felt like the strongest force in the world. She often felt pity for the women who felt like they had to fight to keep their boyfriend, the women who felt like they were never good enough or that were unsure of their significant other's love. It was never like that for her and Toby. She knew that he loved her as well as she knew anything. He showed it to her every single day._

_"Spencer and Toby have prepared their own vows to be read. Spencer, if you would like to start?"_

_She started listening again at the perfect moment, it seemed. She swallowed a few times, trying to get her emotions under control. Because if not she probably would burst into tears in the midst of her speech. This was perfect. It was all perfect. She grabbed her notes from Hanna, her maid of honor, and unfolded the paper. But instead of reading them she immediately handed them back to Hanna. She didn't need them. _

_She took Toby's other hand and gave him a watery smile. "Toby, I slaved for days over these vows in the way that only I can, wanting to make them perfect for you. But then I just stopped. Because I realized that the perfect words weren't going to come from my mind. They would come from my heart. So many people use the phrase 'love at first sight.' But I think that's a stupid concept. Love isn't destiny. It isn't fated. It's a choice. It's a choice that you make every day. You choose to love someone despite the fact that they're a cover hog, and they have an irrational aversion to talking on the phone." She dramatically rose her eyebrows to make it clear to everyone that she was talking about him._

_"And Toby, I would choose you every time. Every single time. You make me feel beautiful like no one can. You remind me that there's more to life than academia. You never let me feel like I'm not good enough. You hold me up when I think that I just can't stand anymore. You love me like I've never been loved before. Anyone who knows me knows how guarded I am. They know how reluctant I am to expose myself or to make myself seem weak. But you make me feel safe, Toby. You make me feel like nothing could ever hurt me, and you also make me feel safe to be myself in front of you. Just when I think I can't love you anymore. With every single breath I take my love for you increases. I'll love you forever. Until the day that I die. I've never been more sure of anything."_

_She grabbed the ring from Hanna's outstretched hand and carefully slid it onto his finger with trembling hands._

_"Toby?" The minister indicated that he could begin at anytime._

_Toby took one of his hands back and brushed her tears away with a swipe of his thumb, causing very audible aw's to sound out from the audience. She couldn't stop a laugh from bubble up from her stomach and out her lips. Finally the world was seeing what she saw. Toby was literally and truly the sweetest man on the planet._

_After taking a quick swipe at his own tears he took her other hand back and stroked out a soft circle on the back of her hands as he spoke. His eyes never left her face, as though she were the only person in the room. "Spencer, when I was really young my mom told me to wait for the one that makes the ordinary moments seem magical. To wait for the one who makes me feel like despite what the world tells me that I can be a better man. To wait for the one who recognizes my worth. But as I grew up that just felt like some kind of lofty goal. The kind of things that you tell kids to make them feel better about themselves. But then I met you. I met you and you transformed my whole world and my very idea of what love was. You know my past. You know the things that I've gone through and it never made you look at me differently. You saved me. You helped me move on, and you helped me see that life was beautiful again. You helped me see that there was a reason for living. You saved me again and again and again, and God only knows where I'd be without you. Alone, sad, and maybe even dead. You know me better than anyone in the world. You know my selfish tendencies. You know how painfully shy I can get. You know everything about me, and you love me anyway. You're my best friend and the love of my life. There's still a part of me that feels so incredibly lucky that I get to marry you today. But I don't see these as vows. I see these as privileges. I get to wake up next to you every single morning. I get to laugh and cry with you. I get to love you for the rest of my life. You're my entire world, Spencer Hastings. I love you."_

_Tears of joy streamed down her face. He had a way with words, that much was for certain. But literally every single thing he said was something she also felt about him. She didn't know when it happened. She didn't even know when it started. One day Toby Cavanaugh was nothing but her friend, and then suddenly, all at once, she realized that she was completely and truly in love with him. He was everything. Everything. __He took her hand gently into his own and carefully slid the ring onto her hand._

_The minister cleared his throat and turned onto Toby with a fatherly smile. "Do you, Toby Cavanaugh, take this woman, Spencer Hastings, to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, in sickness and in heath, in good times and woe, for richer or poorer, keeping yourself solely unto her for as long as you both shall live?"_

_"I do," he said immediately. There was no uncertainty, no hesitation._

_The minister smiled and turned his head back to her. "Do you, Spencer Hastings, take this man, Toby Cavanaugh, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, in sickness and in heath, in good times and woe, for richer or poorer, keeping yourself solely unto him for as long as you both shall live?"_

_"I do," she replied, her heart leaping with joy at the opportunity to declare her love for this man in front of everyone. She was not emotional. She was about as far from sappy or romantic as they came. But somehow Toby managed to bring out that side in her. He made her feel poetic. He made her feel like the girl that would drop anything and everything for the one that she loved. Because with Toby she was that girl._

_The minister cleared his throat and continued on with his lines. "If there be anyone present who may show just and lawful cause why this couple may not be legally wed, let him speak now or forever hold his peace."_

_When no one spoke he smiled at each of them in turn. "Spencer, Toby, by the authority vested in my by the State of Pennsylvania, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride."_

_She turned to Toby, grinning so wide that it felt like her face might split it half, which would be a great ending to her wedding. His smile rivaled her own, if that were even possible. His hands left hers and moved upward to frame her face. He gently drew her in and pressed a searing kiss to her lips. She barely acknowledged the cheers and laughter in the background. Because right here and right now all that mattered was Toby. She was married to Toby, and there was no one else in the world that was as happy as she was._

She jumped as Hanna gently took her hand in her own and checked out her ring. "I never noticed how beautiful your engagement ring was. Toby did good."

He really had. She glanced down at the sparkly diamond and smiled wistfully. "He always made sure it was something that I'd like. I'm not sure how he did it, but I'm still not convinced that you or Em didn't help me."

"Oh hell, don't look at me. I would have told him to buy you a friendship bracelet or a hemp necklace or something. When you got engaged I was going through my hippie stage."

Spencer snorted at the memory of Hanna in Jesus sandals and long, flowy skirts. She had majored in fashion design in college, but her adviser had suggested that she minor in something that she found interesting or enjoyed. So, for some unknown reason, Hanna chose to minor in woman's studies; which temporarily turned her into a bra burning feminist and a tree hugging hippie. It was about one hundred parts amusing and one million parts confusing. "I look back on those days fondly. When you and Caleb finally decide to tie the knot I call making the reception slide show."

"God, only knows when that will happen," she rose her voice with a laugh, obviously trying to make sure that Caleb heard.

"Calm your tits, woman!" He chucked and flung a spoonful of whipped cream in Hanna's direction. "I'm still enjoying the bachelor life."

"Says the guy making me and my best friends waffles in the morning," she laughed. "I love you, you loser."

"I guess you're alright," he shrugged and passed Hanna her waffles before taking her own. "So Spencer, what do you want to do today?"

Hanna squeezed her leg underneath the table to stop her from speaking, and she looked at Caleb speculatively. "Can you go get us ice cream, Caleb?"

He looked at her suspiciously. "What are you up to?"

She gave off an offended huff. "I don't appreciate the insinuation."

Spencer had to bite her lip to stop herself from laughing. Hanna was definitely up to something.

Caleb sighed and pulled himself up to a standing position. "I'll be back soon." He grabbed his keys and breezed out the door. The fact that he barely even questioned her made her smile. Hanna and Caleb really were perfect for each other.

But even more than that, Spencer was proud of herself. Two weeks ago this would have broken her heart. She would have been inconsolable. Watching Hanna and Caleb be love-y together would have been too much to handle. But now all she felt was a dull ache in her stomach. She wasn't naive enough to believe that she was going to be alright forever. But she was for now, and that was enough. She gently brushed her hand across her stomach, drawing strength from the little pieces of Toby that were still inside of you.

"Alright Spence, care to help me ruin Caleb's life?" Hanna jumped to her feet and held a hand out to help her up.

Spencer smiled and took Hanna's hand. "Always up for a little life ruining."

Together they grabbed the newspaper and balloons. Spencer worked on tapping the newspaper up to cover the door frame, and Hanna worked to blow up balloons to shove between the newspaper and the door. She couldn't wait to see the avalanche of balloons attack Caleb when he opened up the door. As she worked with Hanna to prank Caleb she thought back to one of her favorite memories.

_She walked into the kitchen, her heavy purse slung over her shoulder. It had been a long day at work, and she was mostly just really exhausted. More than anything she just wanted to curl up in bed with a good book and about an entire bottle of wine. She tossed her bag onto the counter and scanned the kitchen for her husband. "Toby?" She called out in confusion._

_He always got off work before her on Tuesday, and usually he was busy preparing dinner for the two of them. But now he was no where in sight. Before she could get too worried her eyes were caught by something neon green on the counter. She picked up the nerf gun and rolled it around in her hands. What the hell? She noticed the note next to it and pulled it up to her face._

**_Spence,_**

**_I missed you! So, you should be aware of two things._**

**_1. This nerf gun is for you._**

**_2. I have the other, and you're under attack as of right now._**

**_Run! The winner gets to pick where we go to dinner tonight. And I'd say good luck, but I'm really craving a steak. So I actually hope you lose._**

**_Love you,_**

**_Toby._**

_In a moment of ironic timing a foam dart smacked her in the middle of her forehead the second that she finished reading the letter. She looked up and saw Toby with a pink gun aimed in her direction. She couldn't decide what was better? Was it the fact that he was literally the most adorable idiot in the world or that he kept the pink gun for himself?_

_Either way, there was no way that she was going to let him win this fight. She may have been exhausted, but she certainly wasn't going to let him win this. She ducked behind the kitchen island and propped her gun on the edge of the counter, aiming the gun at Toby. She laughed in satisfaction as a dart bounced off of his chest. "I hope you're in the mood for some sushi, because I have a craving of my own!"_

_Toby and Spencer spent an hour shooting at each other in a haze of laughter, discarded foam darts, and a few bumps and bruises. In the end Toby simply wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her to the ground. He hovered over her, careful not to burden her with any of his weight. "Want to call it a draw?" He murmured with his lips ghosting over her own._

_She just looked into his eyes, her brain muddled by his proximity. Her heart skipped a beat as her nose was filled with his overwhelming scent. She could never quite pinpoint exactly what he smelled like; saw dust, his cologne, and something else._

_"Spence?" He chuckled quietly. He lifted one hand from the floor and used it to brush her hair out of her face. "We can go get sushi if you want."_

_"No," she replied slowly, still distracted by his proximity. Shouldn't she be used to him now? "No, you don't like sushi. We can go get your slab of dead cow. I can-"_

_He dipped down and pressed a gentle kiss to her lips, decidedly cutting off anything else that she would have said. "I find it hard to believe that a vegetarian will be able to find something that they like in a steak house."_

_"Baked potato," she murmured, tilting upward to kiss him again. "Vegetables. Something, anything. We can do what you want."_

_"I love you so much," he whispered. "I look at you, and still, every single day, I wonder what the hell I did to deserve you."_

_"Right back at you, handsome," she wanted to say more, but she could feel the rumbling of his stomach. "Come on," she laughed, wriggling out from under him. "Let's go feed you."_

"Spence? Where'd you go?" Hanna asked her as she took a step back to admire their finished product.

"I was just remembering something..." she trailed off. She was feeling good, she really was. She was enjoying herself, and for the first time in a long time she didn't feel the need to run back to bed. But that didn't mean that the memories with Toby didn't still sting. Because they did. They hurt so much. She would give anything, **_anything,_**to have him with her.

"About Toby?" Hanna asked her sympathetically.

Spencer nodded and reluctantly recalled her memory for Hanna, who was basically the best sport in the world. She laughed in the right moments and she aww-ed whenever she said something cute.

"Where'd you end up going to eat?" She asked in a hushed voice as they heard someone coming up the hallway.

"That's the thing," she chuckled quietly. "Toby was such an idiot. The most romantic and adorable idiot in the world, but still an idiot. He insisted we go to this hibachi and sushi place. He said that he just wanted steak, but that Asian steak and noodles were fine too. He always wanted to make me happy, even if it wasn't something that he wanted."

"You had a good one, Spencer," Hanna said quietly, flashing her a soft smile.

"I really did," she said softly, abruptly cutting off her words as she heard the scratching of a key in the lock.

The door squeaked as it opened, and Caleb's loud curse was the only thing that they heard before they both dissolved in a mess of hysterical giggles. Their laughter only increased as Caleb tore his way through the newspaper.

"This is what happens when I leave you two alone?" His voice was amused, but there was something underneath of it.

Apparently Hanna noticed as well. "What's wrong, Caleb?"

He chewed on his lip for a second before sliding an envelope out of his back pocket. "Spencer, this was taped to the door for you."

And as soon as she saw the handwriting on the envelope all traces of laughter left her face. Was this a joke? Who the hell was delivering these letters for Toby? Was it flipping Hogwarts?

But either way, it was from him. It was a piece of him, and she needed it now more than ever. She pulled the envelope eagerly to herself, and just stroked the handwriting for a second before actually focusing on what it said.

**Hey baby,**

**So, you should be getting this one about a month after I die. I've never had my wife die on me (duh), but I imagine it's something that has its good and its bad days. And sweetheart, I'm hoping that you're getting to the stage where there's more good than bad. I truly do.**

**But because I know you so well I am absolutely certain that the bad days will continue for a long time. I hope and pray that I don't. More than anything, I would love for you to read this letter and then throw it away because you don't need it any more. But I don't think you're there yet. And like I told you at the beginning, I'm here to help. I'll do whatever I can to make this okay for you.**

**So in the envelope you should find three tickets to Lima, Peru. There are also hotel reservations at a hotel in Lima and one in Cusco. I know you always talked about wanting to go to Peru and wanting to see Machu Picchu. I wish I could go with you, but going with the girls should be good enough. Maybe even better. If you go home, in the box in the back of my drawer in the nightstand there's $500. It won't go far, but take that as some spending money. I wish I could have left more, but you know how it goes.**

**Have fun. And remember what I said in the first letter, sweetheart. It's not cool to ignore the wishes of a dying man. And there's nothing that I want more than to know that you're having fun. Please. You leave in two weeks.**

**I love you so much, sweetheart. I won't ever stop.**

**Toby**

He had to be kidding.

"Spence, what did he have to say?" Hanna glanced over her shoulder curiously.

She passed her the letter and headed to the bathroom, suddenly feeling a little bit nauseous. She didn't know if it was the baby or the insane thing that her husband just did, but either way she wasn't going to take any chances. "I guess we're going to Peru," she said over her shoulder as she shut the door behind her.

This was going to be interesting.


	14. Chapter 14

**You guys are literally the best. Don't ever stop being so awesome. I was going to dedicate this chapter to someone, but I don't even know who. You're all being super incredible.**

**This chapter is... just read it! But I can say that it ended up being massively longer than I thought, so I had to cut it into two chapters! Next chapter will be October and Peru again!**

**Review! Next chapter will be up at 120 reviews, but not tomorrow. I'm busy tomorrow. So whenever, after tomorrow, that this story is up to 120 reviews!**

Chapter 14

**October**

She clutched her stomach as she trailed behind Hanna and Emily. "This is what I mean, baby." She said to her stomach. She always thought that people who talked to their unborn babies were a bit weird, but now she could see the appeal. "You daddy was the most beautiful idiot in the history of idiots. If you stay with me I'll tell you all about him. And if you don't maybe I'll write you a letter. Recently I've learned how helpful those can be. Either way, I promise I'll do what's best for you."

She still didn't know what to do about the baby. It **was **a source of comfort for now. It was like a piece of Toby that she could carry with her without judgement or reservations. No one knew that her husband was dead. No one gave her pity stares. She was just a mildly pregnant woman. But it wasn't always. Sometimes she just wished that she could rip the baby out of her stomach. She didn't want Toby's child inside of her. She wanted Toby. She only wanted Toby. But that wasn't an option for her. It was never an option. She would carry this baby to term, because it was what was right. And because that's what the old her would have done. She knew without a doubt that before the loss of Toby she would have been so excited for this child. Now she was just confused.

She brushed her fingers across the braided bracelet that she had made out of a few of Toby's shirts. It might have seemed weird to the outside observer, but it worked for her. She was able to finally stop wearing his undershirts under all of her clothes. It helped her to feel connected to him without leaving the house looking like a total maniac.

Palm trees lined the walk they took to approach their hotel, the Belmond Palacio Nazarenas. She let Hanna and Emily do most of the talking, which was kind of inconsiderate of her since she actually was fairly good with Spanish, but she would feel guilty later. Right now she couldn't stop the emotions from overwhelming her. She couldn't believe he remembered this, because she had literally mentioned it one time.

"So, I'm not sure that I've been this excited in awhile. Spence, when you talked about Peru I always thought you were crazy, but it's literally gorgeous here." Emily said as Hanna tried to talk to the front counter employees.

"I can't believe Toby organized all of this for me. For us," she said softly. Emily might have said more, but she couldn't reply. She couldn't stop herself from getting lost in the memories.

_She stared across the table at Toby. Emily and Hanna were wonderful friends. The best, actually. But there was something different about her friendship with Toby. They could sit in silence for hours and still be comfortable. The could laugh until their stomachs hurt and then seamlessly shift the conversation to loving teasing without blinking. He shared her humor, and he indulged her ridiculous and nerdier pleasures. He always seemed glad to be near her, and he was always there to listen to her when she needed him. There was no denying it; Toby Cavanaugh was the best friend she ever had._

_And maybe something more. Because now, when she looked at him she didn't just see the face of her best friend. She saw the beautiful shade of sky blue in his eyes. She saw how soft his hair looked and yearned to touch it. She saw the callouses on his hands and wondered what it would feel like to have them run across her smooth skin. Shit, she was such a cliche. She was falling for the best friend._

_"I can't study anymore," Toby whined, pulling her out from her embarrassing thoughts._

_"You took the words right out of my mouth. Let's play 20 questions!"_

_"You're such a nerd, Spence," he laughed and popped a french fry into his mouth. "But alright. You go first."_

_"Tell me about your most embarrassing moment!" She asked immediately. She collected embarrassing moments like some people collected stamps. Sometimes she got insecure around people, but if she could mentally picture them doing something humiliating it wasn't so bad anymore._

_He chewed on his bottom lip for a second, trying to figure out an appropriate story for her. "So, my cousin came to town once. And he's older. He wanted to drink, and I wasn't sure. But in the end he managed to convince me. I got rather drunk, and I don't remember this part, but by the end of the night I was so drunk that I literally couldn't figure out how to open up the door. Apparently I pounded on the door a few times before moaning in defeat and curling up in a ball right next to it. My mom found me there the next morning."_

_"You didn't!" She tried to hold back her laughter, but she failed._

_"I mean I think I do. I don't know for sure, but if I trust my cousin..." he trailed off with an awkward laugh. "Okay, my turn?"_

_She nodded at him with a smile, expecting the same kind of question._

_He looked at her speculatively before nodding as he thought of a question. "What's something that you've always dreamed of doing?"_

_That definitely wasn't what she expected. But she should have known better. Toby was too sweet to try to embarrass her. And yet, she knew exactly how to answer that question. "Don't laugh, but I've always wanted to go to Peru."_

_"Peru?" He was surprised but not amused._

_She was used to that. People always expected her to say somewhere like London or Scotland, but no, it was always Peru. "Yeah! I've always wanted to go see Machu Picchu. It's this Incan holy site way up in the Andes Mountains. It's gorgeous and just incredible. The ingenuity of some of the ancient people blows my mind a little bit."_

_"Hmmm. Maybe we'll have to go together one day," he smiled and dug back into his food._

_Sometimes she wondered if Toby felt the same way that she did. Did he like her too? Although that might be too good to be true. Why would he want her anyway? He could have anyone._

"Holy shit! Check out this room!"

She blinked a few times, having not even realized that they had gone upstairs. She really needed to stop spacing out like that. She glanced around the room, totally in awe of what Toby had picked out for them. The two king sized beds lay out right next to each other with a view of the balcony, and from the balcony there was an incredible view of the mountains. This was everything that she had dreamed of, to be honest. And Toby did that for her.

"Guys, we have some letters..." Emily said softly, staring at the table.

Spencer tore her eyes from the window and took several steps forward and noticed three stark, white envelopes artfully displayed on the table. Behind the envelopes was a bottle of wine and some fruit. God, he thought of everything. Except for the possibility that she was pregnant, apparently. She loved him.

She took her letter off of the table and curled up on a corner in the bed. She closed her eyes and took in several deep breaths to stabilize her emotions. This was all beautiful. It was perfect. And he shouldn't have done it. He should have been focusing on himself. He should been worried about recovery, but instead he was focused on making things better for her. And God, did she love him for it. And this time not only did he write her a letter, but he also wrote one to Hanna and Emily. She loved him so much.

She pulled the letter to her face and slowly read over the words, savoring each of them. She knew that this had to end at some point, and she was going to appreciate every minute of it until that happened.

**Spencer,**

**I know you have to be angry with me at this point. I know you do. Because if our situations were reversed I know exactly how I would be feeling. I would be frustrated that you weren't thinking about yourself. I would be frustrated that you were worried about me. I would just be frustrated. But deep down inside I think I would appreciate the fact that you did it. I would appreciate that you took the time to make things better for me. And honestly baby, I think that you feel the same. Be honest with yourself.**

**You should be in Peru right now. You're in the place that you always dreamed of being. Enjoy it, okay? Enjoy being there. Enjoy checking something off of your bucket list. Enjoy spending time with your friends. Don't think so much about me, sweetheart. You've been so incredibly selfless for the past year. You quit your job. You left behind every single thing to take care of me. I wouldn't have made it nearly as long as I did without you there. You gave me my medicine. You drove me to my appointments. You wiped my sweaty forehead whenever I had a fever. You held my hand through the chemotherapy and hospital stays. You slept on countless hard, hospital chairs. You did everything for me. Everything. Please baby. Please take this time for you. Enjoy this time with your friends. Enjoy your life again.**

**I have one more surprise for you. It should be there soon. I hope you like it sweetheart. I love you. I love you so much. Stay strong, baby. It will get better. It has to get better. I love you. Never forget how much I love you.**

**Toby**

"Oh my God," Hanna whined just as Spencer finished her letter. She wiped a tear away from her face and turned to Spencer. Apparently they read at the exact same speed. "You were right, Spence. You married the most adorable idiot on the face of the planet."

She smiled sadly at Hanna and watched Emily pocket her letter out of the corner of her eye. "What did he have to say?"

"You can read it if you want." Hanna passed her the letter to read, and Spencer smiled at her appreciatively. Having any part of Toby was something that she would forever appreciate.

**Hanna,**

**Hanna, you are literally the most incredible person on the planet. I mean that seriously and truly. You are so incredible. I look back at my memories with you, and I just can't think of a single one where I wasn't laughing. When I married Spencer I knew that I was gaining the love of my life, but I also got the best friends that I've ever had.**

**In my support group I heard so many people talk about how their friends left them when they found out they had cancer. It was either too hard or they just didn't understand what they were going through. But never you. You never even thought about it, did you? Like the thought never crossed your mind. And that's just the kind of person you are Hanna. You're so incredibly loyal. When you become friends with someone you're friends with them for life. You always had my back no matter what happened. I appreciated that more than I can say.**

**But even more than what you did for me, I need to thank you for what you've done for Spencer. Both before I died and even now. You are such a good friend to her. In the past you dragged her away from her homework right when she needed it. You helped her with the girly things in life. You were always there for her. Always. And when I got sick you came to drag her away for a well needed break. It was like you had a Spencer alarm. Every single time she needed you you were there. Every single time. Thank you that Hanna. I will never be able to thank you enough for what you did for Spencer. Knowing that I'm going to die is horrible. It's literally the worst. But I'm not worried for myself. I'm worried for Spencer. But knowing that you're there, knowing that you'll be there for her, makes everything so much easier. Thank you Hanna. Please keep taking care of her. Make sure that she's okay. Make sure that she remembers to do the things that she'll never thing of doing for herself. Please.**

**Have a great life Hanna, because you deserve it more than anyone that I've ever met.**

**Toby**

She folded up her letter and passed it back to Hanna. "He was right, you know. You really are an incredible friend, Han. I don't know what I would have done without you. But for me it's the opposite. Toby- he went through so much in his life. So much. He deserved nothing but the best, but a lot of times he only got the worst. But you and Caleb never turned on him. You were unwavering in your support for him. So thank you."

"Toby was kind of the best person ever Spence. It wasn't exactly a hardship." Hanna sighed.

Before Spencer could respond again someone knocked at the door. She glanced at the door in confusion. "Who is that?"

"I'll get it," Emily offered. Spencer watched her friend's shiny black hair bounce as she walked to the door and pulled it open. "Oh, um hola?"

Sending the one who knows no Spanish to the door in the middle of Peru was probably her worst idea. She pulled herself up to a standing position and slowly made her way to the door.

"Oh no, I don't speak Spanish either," the disembodied voice laughed.

It took her a moment to recognize the voice, but when she did her face split into a wide smile. "Aria?!"

"Spencer!" Aria laughed and stepped into the room, wrapping her arms tightly around the taller girl.

"Aria, what are you doing here?" She laughed, feeling happier than she had in a really long time. Was this a dream? How was she even here?

"I- I got a phone call from Toby right before he died, and he asked me to come out here with you. And then a few weeks ago I got this letter in the mail," she said softly and passed Spencer the letter. "It's for you. I'm so sorry that I couldn't make it to his funeral."

Two letters in one day? And Aria? She closed her eyes and smiled as she thought about the first and only time that she had ever seen Aria. But it was enough. It was enough for her to be so grateful for her presence here right now.

_She walked slowly into Toby's living room. "Toby?"_

_"Spence! We're in here." _

_She couldn't help but smile at the happy sound of his voice. Since his mom died two weeks ago he had had nothing but sadness in his voice. But we? Who was with him? Maybe Caleb. But when she walked into his bed room she saw Toby talking to an unfamiliar girl._

_Were she less secure in her relationship she would have felt uncomfortable, but she knew that Toby loved her. And in all honesty, he could have private conversations with all the pretty girls that he wanted as long as it made him smile like that._

_Toby reached out an arm and beckoned her to sit down next to him. She smiled softly and joined him on the couch. His fingers gently interlocked with hers and lifted her hand to press a soft kiss to her wrist. "Spencer, this is my cousin Aria. And Aria, this is my girlfriend, Spencer."_

_Oh. That made so much more sense. He had talked about his cousin before. The wanderer who never settled down anywhere. He said that she was in Brazil, she thought. "So nice to meet you," Spencer said softly, reaching her hand out to shake Aria's. _

_"Nice to meet you too!" She smiled. The girl was very cheerful, which was probably good for Toby. He needed more happiness in his life._

_"Spencer, Aria's the only same member of my dad's side of the family. She was my best friend growing up, and she can somehow always make me happy even when I'm feeling sad."_

_She hadn't smiled like this long in a really long time. Somehow along the way her happiness had become so wrapped up in Toby's. When he was happy she was happy. When he was sad she was sad. They were connected in a way that she had never felt before, and she loved it. Toby brushed the back of his free hand across her cheek and she laughed quietly. He was being so touchy feely, and she loved it . She loved everything. This was such a great day. "Well, I think I like you already, Aria."_

_Aria laughed and reached out to take a hold of Spencer's free hand. "I like you too! We were just going to go get some food. Would you like to come with us?"_

_She glanced uncertainly between Toby and Aria. "Are you sure? I don't want to impose."_

_Toby snorted and lifted her hand up and kissed her wrist again. She closed her eyes and reveled in the feeling of his lips against her skin. His other hand carefully brushed her hair out of her face. "You could never impose. Come."_

_She glanced at Aria, not knowing whether the girl had a differing opinion. Aria's smile grew, "I want to get to know you, Spencer! I don't know when I'll be able to be here again, and we need to talk advantage of bonding time."_

_She smiled and nodded. "Alright then. Let's go eat."_

_Toby kissed her cheek before quickly moving to his feet and helping her up. She wrapped an arm around his waist and leaned on him as they vacated the house. She was so glad that he had someone in his life like Aria._

She gave Aria a shaky smile and pulled the letter to her body in a pseudo-hug. Thank God that Toby had done this. She had complain in the past, but it was only in concern for him. He shouldn't have worried about her. He should have been focusing on himself. But honestly, he was right. This was why she was able function. This was why she was able to leave the house. This is why she hadn't checked in to the mental hospital yet. Because losing Toby was the biggest loss she had ever felt. Not only did she lose her husband. But she also lost her best friend, her support system, and the person that meant the most to her in the world. Toby knew that. He knew. He always knew. He knew how hard this would be fore her, and he knew that leaving little pieces of him behind for her would make the transition marginally easier. He always knew.

She realized that she hadn't answered Aria yet. "Don't apologize, Aria. He knew how much you loved your adventures. He wouldn't have wanted you to cut one short for his sake."

"Honestly, to be blunt Spencer," she sighed. "He's dead. He didn't know any better either way. But I could have been there for you. I know we only met in person once, but that doesn't change the fact that I care a lot about you."

"Okay, enough of this mushy stuff! Read your letter Spencer! Then we can go explore Payroo!" Hanna tried a Hispanic accent out at the end of her sentence and failed miserably.

Spencer couldn't helped but laugh. This is why she loved Hanna so much. Because she was literally the best. "Okay, hold your horses."

She returned to her previous letter writing spot to absorb herself back in Toby's words.

**Spence,**

**I don't know what time Aria will actually arrive at the hotel, so you might have just read my other letter. Which is fine. I don't really have a lot more to say other than surprise!**

**I know this might seem like a lame surprise, but let me explain before you completely write it off. I know you only met Aria once, but you two hit it off. I think that it will be good for you to have her around. Not only is she my cousin, but she also is ridiculous. I'm sure that Hanna is giving you your fair share of ridiculousness, but there's never too much. Also, second to you and only just above Emily and Caleb, Aria knows me better than anyone in the world. If I lost you I think that I would want to spend time with your friends. I would want to spend time with people who knew you and loved you. But also with people who knew and loved you in a different capacity than I did.**

**You were there for most of my best times with Hanna, Emily, and Caleb. Let's face it, you were there for almost all of my best times period. But you and Aria were there for very different parts of my life. Share stories. Laugh. Just be with each other. I think the two of you might be able to help each other.**

**I love you Spencer. More than anything in the world. I always will.**

**Toby**

This time her reaction was a bit different. She couldn't decide whether to cry or laugh. It was just so amazing how well he knew her, how easily he was able to anticipate her reactions and how effortlessly he was able to predict what she needed. Not for the first or the last time she wondered how she had managed to get so lucky. What had she done to deserve a guy like Toby Cavanaugh?

"Spence, I hate to be pushy but if you don't put that note down I'm going to go for the arms, Em will go for the legs, and we're going to drag you out of here." Hanna's voice was fast and excited. Apparently she was really ready to go exploring.

But now Spencer didn't know if she was ready. She was so grateful to Toby for putting this together. So grateful. But now she was an emotional wreck. She swiped her tears away with the back of her hand. "How am I supposed to do this?"

"You put one foot in front of the other and just keep moving," Aria said softly, holding a hand out to help her up. "We'll help you Spencer. Toby will help you too. The only way that any of us are going to get through this is together."

"Besides," Emily said with a smile, "my letter had another surprise in it. But we need to go now."


	15. Chapter 15

**Hey guys! I got a question about Spencer! She's about 14 weeks along! She's due around April!**

**Also to the anon reviewer who said I got the nerf gun thing from the internet, FALSE. You know what they say about assumptions. A few years ago my youth pastor had that written on the chalk board with a bunch of nerf guns lined up underneath. And whoever caught him first got to pick the pizza topping out. Granted, I don't know where he got it from! He was also the Mike to my Toby in Aria's story below. Best youth pastor everrrr. **

**This is my favorite chapter, I think. For two reasons. I went to Machu Picchu a few years ago, and it was incredible! And also idk. I think I did a pretty good job writing it.**

**Next chapter will be up when I notice that this story is at 125 reviews at least!**

**LOVE YOU**

Chapter 15

**October**

All three sets of eyes turned to look at Emily who laughed nervously and held her hands up in surrender. "I wasn't supposed to tell you!"

"What exactly did he say?" Aria asked with her eyebrows raised.

"That I'm not supposed to tell Spencer what we're doing, because the look on her face will be epic when she figures it out on her own," Emily laughed. "Oh, and that he subscribes to the idea that dead people can watch what's going on in Earth through little TVs. And that I shouldn't screw it up because that's something he's looking forward to seeing.

Spencer snorted and wiped away the final vestiges of her tears. That was Toby for you. He was a fan of the big, romantic gesture, even when he wasn't there to see it come to fruition. "I guess we should go then. As he's so fond of reminding me, there's no refusing a request from a dead man." She managed to not physically wince at the mention of Toby being dead, but that didn't stop the internal cringing.

"Well then let's split, bitches!"

Aria watched Hanna's back in confusion as she walked out of the door. When she was out of earshot she leaned over to Spencer. "She realizes that bitches isn't a term of endearment, right?"

"Hanna makes her own rules," she said softly. The jubilant mood was dulled slightly by the stark reminder of Toby's absence, but she would do everything that she could to enjoy this time.

* * *

As they walked through the streets of Cusco Spencer stood in awe of the scenery. The smells, the sounds, the architecture, just everything. It was everything that she dreamed of. The only thing that would have made it better would have been if Toby had been there with her.

She looked at the sky and watched the clouds go by, smiling as she remembered the moment that changed the course of her entire life.

_Toby lifted a branch for her so that she could duck under it without any problems. She smiled at him as they ducked out and across the other side. "Are you sure you aren't taking me into the woods to murder me?"_

_He chuckled and grabbed her hand to lead her down the path. "Wouldn't that be exciting."_

_Embarrassing goosebumps raced up her arm. Hopefully Toby didn't notice, because she was sure that the move was platonic. As much as she was slowly falling for Toby, she was fairly certain that he didn't feel the same way. How could he?_

_She smiled as he pushed some leaves out of her path. He was pretty much the most adorable human being on the planet. "It would be exciting until I reversed it on you and kicked your murdering butt." She tightened her grip on his hand as the started downhill. "Where exactly are we going?"_

_"Just this spot I like to go to sometimes when I want to escape," he said simply._

_"But now I'll always be able to find you," she teased._

_He stopped her and smiled down are you. "I don't think that I can imagine a time when it would be you that I'm hiding from, Spencer."_

_Did he not realize the effect that he had on her? Her heart flip flopped in her chest like it had a starring role in some cheesy country song. But she was saved from having to formulate some kind of response by the distracting beauty of the meadow that he had just led them into. "Toby," she breathed. "This is beautiful."_

_"It is," he said softly without taking his eyes off of her. "Want to be dorks and look up at the clouds?"_

_"That's my favorite hobby!" She laughed and flopped back on a little incline._

_Toby balled up his jacket and handed it to her as a pillow. She shook her head. She wasn't about to take both his source of warmth and his source of comfort. But he rolled his eyes and gently lifted her head, depositing the jacket underneath of it._

_She laughed and reached over to lightly smack him in the chest. "You think you're so smart."_

_"I know I am," he replied simply, grabbed her hand to hold before she could pull it away. "Spence, can I ask you something?"_

_"Anything," she said immediately._

_He nodded and paused before speaking. "I think that I like someone. And I'm not sure that she likes me back."_

_"Who?" She hoped that she kept her voice passively neutral, because in reality she mostly wanted to hunt down and kill this bitch._

_He rolled on his side, and tugged on her hand until she did the same. He just looked at her for a moment before answering. "You."_

_She blinked a few times, trying to decide if he was being serious. "Are- are you kidding?" This seemed too good to be true._

_His face deflated slightly at what he took as a negative reaction. "No, I'm not. But it's okay if you-"_

_Was he kidding? Was there any possible way he believed that she didn't feel the same way as him? She shook her head and leaned in, pressing a soft kiss to his mouth. It wasn't very often that she was so bold, but something about this situation had her throwing caution to the wind._

_After a moment of shock Toby's arms wound around her waist and drew her in closer. Their lips met again and again, their hands exploring each other for the first time. This moment was filled with so much joy, so much passion. It was unparalleled to anything she had felt as of yet. Toby pulled away as they both of them gasped for air. But instead of breathing he moved his lips to her neck, her cheeks, her forehead; ghosting gentle, feather light, kisses across her face. "You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that," he murmured into the crook of her neck._

_"I have some idea," she breathed, her words barely audible even to herself._

_Toby lifted his face to hers and brushed his nose across hers, the first in a lifetime of eskimo kisses. And somehow she knew that this year was starting to look up._

"Are you serious?!"

Hanna's excited voice was about 50 decibels higher than her already high pitched voice, which tore Spencer from her memories immediately. Which was alright with her, because remembering the start of her relationship was both beautiful and heart breaking in equal measure. Sure, she had experienced something beautiful, something that people spend their whole life searching for. But she simultaneously lost it before she was even out of her 20s.

She carefully wiped away the lone tear traveling down her cheek as she took in their surroundings. The first and only thing that caught her attention was the bright yellow Perurail sign. No. No he didn't. Oh Toby.

"So, as you guys probably have figured out, Toby bought us tickets to go up to Machu Picchu tonight." Emily smiled softly and passed a ticket out to each of the girls. "He said not to complain, Spencer."

"I-" she didn't even know what to say. She didn't know how to respond to this. "Oh my God, he's such an idiot. I love him. Oh my God." Her awed face quickly split into an ear to ear grin. "We- I- Oh my God."

"Did Toby just render her speechless from beyond the grave?" Emily laughed and went first and handed her ticket to the ticket taker, who had a very impressive mustache. Everyone had their identifier, and she was pretty sure his was the mustache man.

She sat down next to Aria in the back car and just stared out the window. When Toby died she kind of just expected to spend the rest of her life in a continuous indifferent state. Because if she allowed herself to feel something she was so sure that it would be pain. The kind of pain that crash over you again and again and never left. But instead she was feeling happiness. She was feeling joy. She was feeling excitement, and it was all due to Toby. It was due to him showing her that life went on, and that there was still goodness in the world. Granted, everything would seem a little bit brighter if Toby was here. She would enjoy it a little more if he were here. But for the first time since his death she was excited to do something.

"Okay, Spencer, let's do what Toby wanted us to do. Let's share stories!"

"Um, what do you want to know?" She asked hesitantly. Talking about Toby sometimes helped, but it usually hurt. She didn't really want to ruin this moment, but Toby's little tasks had been fairly on point thus far. Maybe this would help too.

"Did you know that Toby was scared of puppets?" She smirked and turned to Spencer.

"You're kidding!" How did she go all those years without realizing that. But she supposed she hadn't had a lot of puppets laying around.

She nodded eagerly. "Well, only the ones on the strings. What are they called?"

"Marionettes?" Spencer laughed.

Aria nodded again, her smile only growing. "When we were little and Toby's family came to visit we used to play hide and seek. One time we convinced my brother, Mike, to play with us. Mike was pissed so he decided to hide under his bed and play with the arm of the marionette that he got in Mexico. Only Toby only saw the marionette moving, not Mike. I'm pretty sure it scarred him for life."

"Oh my God," she laughed. "You're kidding, right?"

"I'm not! Alright, your turn. Tell me a story about Toby that I wouldn't know!"

Spencer bit her lip, trying to think of a good story. After a moment of thought she smiled as she thought of one. "Did Toby ever tell you about the first time he got drunk with me?"

"He did not, but I need for you to tell me this story right now," Aria laughed.

Spencer smiled and began to tell Aria one of the most entertaining stories in her arsenal.

_"Spencer! Take a shot with me!"_

_She turned around just in time to see Toby stumbling toward her. His fingers immediately wrapped around her bicep and pulled her off in the direction of the alcohol table._

_"Toby," she laughed, prying his fingers off of her arm. She interlocked their fingers together instead and led the two of them into the Marin kitchen. "How about I watch you take a shot?" Someone had to drive them home._

_"But I want to take a shot with you. It's Hanna's birthday!" His pouty whine was the literal most adorable thing in the world._

_She laughed and nodded, taking a shot glass and subtly filling it up with water. He wouldn't notice and it would make him happy. They clinked their glasses together, and she downed the water like a shot. "How are you feeling, Toby?"_

_He cleared his throat like he was about to say something important and leaned in to whisper in her ear. She giggled as his hot breath tickled her unsuspecting skin. "I think," he began, pausing for dramatic effect. "I think that I might be an itty bitty bit drunk."_

_"Well as long as it's just a little bit," she laughed. "What do you want to do now?"_

_"Can we sit down? Because the room is spinning just an itty bitty bit, and I don't want to puke on you."_

_She laughed again, but she didn't hesitate to grab his arm and lead him up to the Marin's spare bedroom. Usually it was closed off to party guests, but Spencer knew that Hanna wouldn't mind. They dodged their classmates and ducked into the room. "Sit on the bed before you lose your lunch on me. I kind of like this dress."_

_He nodded and thoughtfully flopped back on the plush mattress. "Spency, can I ask you a question?"_

_Did he just call her Spency? She fought to keep the smile off of her face as she laid out next to him on the bed. "You can ask me anything Toby."_

_"If you shaved a baby gorilla would it look like a gorilla or a really ugly baby?"_

_She tried not to laugh, she really did. But she couldn't stop the loud peel of laughter from escaping her throat. Was he serious?_

_"Don't laugh!" He whined. "I really need to know. I have this mental picture that keeps popping into my head. Like some babies are ugly, you know? Maybe a gorilla would look like a fat ugly baby! Or maybe you would still be able to tell that it was a gorilla! I need to know!"_

_She bit her lip to hold back to continued laughter that threatened to escape. "Okay, can I guess? Because I've never shaved a gorilla before."_

_"Acceptable," he nodded to indicate that she should proceed._

_The corners of her lips tugged out, and she literally had to fight to keep her smile at bay. She would literally do anything for Toby Cavanaugh, and indulging in his drunken ridiculous wasn't very difficult. "Well, I think that gorilla's have a very different facial structure than a normal baby. So I'm not sure that it would necessarily look like a gorilla, but I bet you could be pretty confident that it wasn't a baby, at the very least."_

_He nodded thoughtfully before turning to hover over her without warning. He pressed a gentle kiss to her lips. "You're the smartest person in the world, baby. This is why I love you so much."_

_"So you love me for my brains? Not my body? You are the least teenage, teenage boy there's ever been, Toby," she laughed and leaned up to kiss him again. "I love you too, by the way."_

_"Your body is pretty great too though," he said lowly and carefully brushed his fingers across her stomach._

_She couldn't stop her laughter this time. He was seriously the most adorable human being on the face of the planet. And he was literally the only teenage boy in the world that would complement her mind over her body. "I'm a fan of your body as well."_

_He smirked at her before rolling over and flopping back down next to her. "I have another question."_

_"Yes?" She laughed, already anticipating something ridiculous._

_"Do you think the Loch Ness Monster is real? And if it is why does it always hide? Like, why doesn't it just pop out of the water and be like here I am?"_

_She snorted and tucked her face into his neck to muffle her uncontrollable laughter. Oh she loved him. So much._

"He really asked you about the Loch Ness Monster?!" Aria laughed.

"He did! He got strangely philosophical when he was drunk. Another time he asked me if I thought the sky was blue because God was crying over all the bad things that happened to people on Earth." She paused and looked out the window. Her ears popped as the chugged higher up the mountains. They had to be almost there. "I couldn't answer him that time. I was too busy trying to kiss away the pain on his face."

"Toby suffered more than any one person ever should have too," Aria said softly.

Spencer nodded and continued to look out the window. If she looked into Aria's eyes she might start crying again. "He was just so good. He didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve any of it."

"No he didn't," she sighed.

She glanced at Aria hesitantly. She hadn't really told anyone that she was pregnant, and she was just starting to show. Unless you knew you probably wouldn't notice, but if anyone deserved to know it was Aria. "Aria, I'm pregnant."

Aria looked at her in shock for a moment before her face was transformed by a wide smile. "You're kidding! Really? Have you been to the doctor yet? Is it a boy or a girl? Oh my-"

Spencer shook her head, cutting of Aria's rambling. "I- God, I don't know what to do about it yet." But even as she said that she knew that it wasn't necessarily true. She loved this baby. She really did, and giving it up would kill her. But would it really be fair to the child? Would it be fair to subject them to a life where they were only second best? Because, while she loved the baby, she knew without hesitation that she would easily be able to give it up if it meant that she could have Toby again. "I just don't know what to do."

"You'll do the right thing, Spencer. I know you will." She smiled and tilted her head out across the aisle. "I think that we're almost there."

"What's the right thing, though?" She mumbled, not really asking Aria for an answer.

"That depends on who you ask," Aria admitted. "For some people keeping the baby would be the only option. For other adoption or abortion make more sense. But it has to be your decision. Only you can figure out what's best for you and the child, and don't let anyone tell you differently. And no one who matters will judge you for it."

She was right. She was always right. Somehow Aria, who was only a few years older than them, had this otherworldly kind of knowledge to her. But all of her anxiety over the choice she was going to have to soon make melted away at the sight of the place that she had been dying to visit for her entire life. She was really there. She was in Machu Picchu. Toby made that happen for her.

Everything was a haze as they bought their tickets and made their way down the path and through the square shaped arch-way. And suddenly they were there. They stood on the stone path overlooking the iconic view that she had seen so many times; in pictures, in movies, in random google searches as she fantasized about the day she would finally be there.

And here she was. She walked ahead of her friends, running her fingers along the stone walls. She couldn't imagine the skill and ingenuity it took to construct buildings this precisely without modern technology and conveniences. This was incredible. As she walked through the rooms she was awed by the thought that people once lived here. They worked here, raised their families here, and went through the motions of their everyday lives in the midst of these stone walls. People lived and died here. She could imagine the women carrying their babies along the stone pathways. She could imagine the children playing games in the fields.

She wondered along the ruins alone, content to just know that her friends were there if she needed them. But this about more than fulfilling a lifelong dream for her. It was about more than just checking something off of her bucket list.

Toby planned this for her. He booked their tickets and their lodging. He organized it so that she didn't have to be alone. Hell, he even somehow knew that his crazy older cousin would be a comfort to her. It felt like he was there with her. It felt like he was walking beside her. This was the closest thing to perfect that she had felt since Toby died. The only thing that could make this better was if he were really with her. Holding Toby's hand as they climbed the never ending stares. Jumping when she saw a llama, and pretending that she wasn't scared when he subsequently made fun of her. Laying out in the sun surrounded by the Urubamba Valley. Those were the things that would have made this day perfect.

She sat down on a stone ledge, her feet dangling over the side. She was content to just sit and watch the people experience what she just had. She enjoyed the wonder on their faces and the joyous laughter escaping from their soundless lips. It was the only thing helping her to keep it together. Because, as much as she was so thankful for this day, she was starting to miss Toby terribly. Her heart ached to hear his voice, to feel his lips against her own, to feel his hands against his skin, to hear him tell her that he loved her. But she missed even the simpler things desperately. She missed knowing that there was one person in the world who would consistently put her own needs above his own. She didn't enjoy it at the time, but God, now that she didn't have it she realized just how much she needed it. She missed the way he would ask her about her day and genuinely want to hear an answer. He was the only one who could pull her out of a depression like this, and the irony of that wasn't lost on her.

"Spence?"

She blinked back the tears that were threatening to spill over before turning to Emily with a soft smile. "Hey, Em."

Emily sat down next to Spencer, close enough that Spencer could feel her body heat but far enough away that they weren't touching. "I miss him," she said softly, reaching out to grasp Spencer's hand.

If it were anyone but Emily that statement would have annoyed her, because there was no way that they missed him as much as she did. But with Emily she knew that it came close. Emily was Toby's friend before she was even ready to acknowledge his existence. Emily helped him with his problems before she knew or cared about him. Emily was there first, and Spencer knew that her sadness rivaled her own. "I miss him too," she whispered. "Every single day. So much."

Emily studied her for a moment before speaking. "He would be so proud of you."

"For what?" Spencer snorted. "For being a wreck?"

"No," Emily disagreed. "For surviving. He once told me he was more worried about your reaction to his death than he was about dying itself. He was ready to go, Spence. But he held on as long as he could to make sure that you'd be okay. And he'd be so proud that you were working so hard at it."

"Do you think it will hurt forever?" She whispered, looking down into the canyon below. A part of her, a very small part of her, thought about how easy it would be just to scoot off and fall. Emily wouldn't realize what she was doing until it was already done, and then she could go to be with Toby. How glorious did that sound? But the larger, more rational part of her knew that she couldn't do that. She couldn't leave her friends. She couldn't end her child's life before it got started. But more than any of that she knew how angry Toby would be. No matter what happened he would want her to live. But she still couldn't help but wonder. At this point death would almost be a relief.

"Yes," Emily admitted reluctantly. "It will almost definitely hurt forever. You lost the person you loved the most in the world. There's no way that that kind of pain will ever go away. But it will dull. Slowly but surely it will dull into a painful ache. A reminder of what you lost. But day by day I think it will get easier and easier to remember the good memories."

"When did you get so smart?" Spencer laughed sadly.

Emily just smiled at her as she reached into her bag and pulled out a wrinkled white envelope from her bag. "This was in my letter too. I think you need it now."

Spencer reached out with trembling fingers. How did he always know when she would need him? "He was the best."

"He really was." Emily squeezed her hand before letting it go completely. "I'll let you read that in peace," she said softly. "When you're ready to head back down I'll be right over there." She gestured to the right with her head."

Spencer listened to her leave before flipping the envelope over and reading the writing on the face. 'When She Needs Me...'

She sighed, a little annoyed that she was so predictable, but mostly just trying to push down the swelling emotions that were threatening to pull her under. He knew she needed him. He always knew.

She carefully slit the envelope open with her fingernail and pulled the paper out. She could have sworn she got a whiff of his cologne as she unfolded it.

**Spencer,**

**You're there. You're at the place you've always dreamed of going. How does it feel? Is it everything that you've ever dreamed of? I hope it is, baby. I really do.**

**So, this should be your third letter from me today. I'm pretty sure that I've covered all of the bases. I know it has to be driving you crazy that I know you so well, sweetheart, but just embrace it. Embrace that you were loved enough for that to happen.**

**This is going to be a short one, but I just felt like you might need a little reminder that I'm always with you. I might not be physically there, but emotionally? Spiritually? I'm right there with you baby. You stole my heart a long time ago, and I assure you that I didn't take it back when I died. I'm there. I'm right there. You feel the breeze on your face? That's me brushing your unruly hair out of your eyes. You feel the sun warming your face? That's me making sure that you're not too cold. Did you manage to catch yourself as you walked up the steps? That's me making sure that you never fall.**

**I'm always there Spencer. I'm right there.**

**I love you.**

**Toby**

She wiped away the tears that were slowly trailing down her face. He was right. Nothing could separate them. Not death, not life, not sickness, not anything. They were connected forever.

And now after reading this letter she knew what she had to do when she got back to Philly. It would be hard, maybe next to impossible, but she had to. It was time.


	16. Chapter 16

**Okay, this isn't my favorite chapter, but it had to be written! Also, I love the Spaleb friendship. If you've read my other stories/tumblr prompts you might have gotten that by now! So that's my favorite part of this chapter.**

**You can thank KrisTheFangirl for you guys getting this so soon, because I was going to wait longer. The reviews are getting a bit disappointing. But I still love you guys to the moon and back, so do your thing!**

**Next chapter won't be up before 135 reviews!**

**Happy reading and let me know what you think!**

Chapter 16

**November**

The morning was bright, and she smiled as she felt the warmth of the sun on her face. It was November, so warmth was hard to come by this time of year. Her bed was cold, and she stretched her arm out reaching for Toby. There was no way that he woke up before she did. She frowned when she saw the empty spot next to her and was confused for a split second before she remembered and was hit by a wave of pain.

You would think it would get easier. You would think that time would ease the agony. But it didn't. She woke up every morning with it hitting her anew. She thought that after Peru she might have been ready to move on. She might have been ready to lead a normal life. But apparently she was wrong about that too. Was she right about anything anymore?

But what she truly hadn't expected was to wake up and still believe that Toby would be beside her. How long would it take for her mind to catch up to reality? Because every time she woke up believing that Toby would be next to her her heart shattered anew. How was she supposed to go on from here?

She moved to get up, but before she could something fluttered in her stomach. She was confused for a minute until she realized what it was. Her baby was kicking. She put her hand on her stomach and sat Indian style on the bed, just staring at the wall. She didn't even know how to feel right now. Maybe disoriented was the right word. Nothing felt real. It was like the dead air screen on TV. Her mind was a haze of little racing black dots.

She didn't even look up as someone knocked on the door. She just continued to stare at the wall. A long, thin crack was starting to develop at the corner of the wall and down the length of the window frame. She should probably call someone to fix it, because she literally had no idea where to begin. Toby- she swallowed painfully at even the thought of his name. Toby always took care of things like that.

The knocking stopped, which either meant that they went away or it was one of her nosy friends. Her nosy wonderful friends who hadn't given up on her yet. Toby had been gone for two months. Was it ever going to get any easier?

"Spencer? Hey are you alright?"

She sighed, having totally forgotten that she had asked Caleb to give her a ride today. The decision to finally make a doctor's appointment had been much easier while she was overlooking the ruins of her dream destination. She felt so connected to Toby. The pain in her heart was minimized by the knowledge that he had planned that for her. That he had looked through travelocity and searched for the best flight, picked the hotel that he thought was best, and even called to purchase tickets to Machu Picchu for them. It almost felt like he was with her. But now? Now she felt as disconnected as ever.

She turned to look at Caleb. She could see the worry in his eyes, and knew that she had to get it together. "Sorry, yeah I'm fine."

"You're lying. But that's fine. Want to go eat our weight in frozen yogurt when we're done?"

That's one of the things that she liked the best about Caleb. He acknowledged her lies, moved on, and then offered food. Was there a better way to deal with a depressed woman? And there was no point in denying that she was depressed, because it was as apparent to the outside world as it was to her. She nodded at Caleb and pulled herself up off of the bed. "Just let me get dressed real quick."

He nodded and flopped down on the bed. "Take your time. I'll just bask on the most comfortable bed in the entire universe."

She smiled softly and walked into the bathroom to change. Caleb was one of her favorite people in the world, part of it was because of how he was unfailingly there for Toby. He never wavered in his support.

_She ran an anxious hand through her hair. She hadn't left Toby since the illness had started to take its tole on his body, but she had to now. If she didn't go take her final she was going to fail out of graduate school. And honestly, had this been her first semester she might have been alright with it. But she only had these tests to go, and she couldn't give up now._

_"Caleb, can you help me with something really fast?" She saw Toby look at her like he knew exactly what she was doing, but she truly didn't care. She was treating him like a child, and she felt about a tiny little bit bad about it. But most of her was sure that this was the only way that she was going to be able to leave. And she knew that Toby would indulge her worries. Because as much as he should only be worrying about himself he still always thought of her first._

_Caleb nodded and followed her into the kitchen. "I'm just off to steal your girl, Cavanaugh."_

_"That's alright. Then Hanna and I won't have to hide our affair anymore. It's been getting pretty bothersome."_

_Spencer rolled her eyes and grabbed Caleb's arm to drag him away from what her and Hanna referred to as the bro sassing session._

_"Keep your pants on, grabby hands! We can't start with Toby right in front of us!"_

_She could stop but laughing that time. "Oh my God, Caleb."_

_"Don't worry, I'll have Hanna's special hot chocolate to keep me company," Toby called after them as they walked into the kitchen._

_"Shit! Spence, I'm going to have to end this," Caleb stage whispered just loudly enough for Toby to hear. "It's been fun, but I can't live without Hanna's hot chocolate!"_

_She could hear Toby laughing from the living room, so the smack she landed on Caleb's shoulder was only half-hearted. If he could make Toby laugh like that he could do anything he wanted. But her smile quickly dropped off of her face. "You have to be careful with him, okay?"_

_"Spencer-" He began, but she cut him off almost immediately._

_"No, Caleb seriously. He's going to think that he can still do what he used to be able to do, and he's going to want to do it. I don't think it's sunk in that he's sick yet. Just don't-" She broke her sentence off before the sob that was traveling up her throat was able to escape. If Toby heard her crying he would panic, and that was literally the last thing that she wanted. _

_But this was so hard. She refused to show how hard it was on her in front of Toby because he would needlessly feel guilty, but it was nearly impossible. She had spent every minute of the last month imagining the worst. What if they couldn't afford the treatments that he needed? She would literally sell everything she owned if necessary. She would do anything she could to get him the help that he needed, but what if it wasn't enough? What if he decided to leave her? It could be because he grew tired of her constant nagging or because he wanted to protect her. No matter the cause it would destroy her. Or, worst case scenario, what if he didn't make it?_

_Caleb didn't hesitate to wrap her up in a firm hug. His hand rubbed a soft circle out on her back. "He'll be fine with me, Spencer. I swear, I won't let him exert himself, and I promise you that I'll call you if anything goes wrong. Just go out and take a little time for yourself."_

_She nodded and pulled away, wiping away the few tears that escaped while her face was hidden away. "I'm just going to say goodbye to him, and then I'll go. Does it look like I've been crying?"_

_"Nah you look fine." He gave her a lazy half smile and turned to the fridge. "I hope you have some grub in here, because I'm starving."_

_She rolled her eyes and walked back into the living room. As soon as Toby saw her he straightened up and reached a hand out to her. "Are you alright?"_

_"Always am," she said softly, smiling at him. "Will you be okay?"_

_Toby gave her an imploring look as he brushed her hair out of her face. "I'll be fine. Caleb and I are just going to have a rager while you're gone, and we'll probably just leave the whole thing for you to clean up."_

_"Seriously baby," she was all for joking, but she had to make sure this would be okay before she left. "If you need me to stay I'll stay."_

_He cupped her face with one of her hands, and she automatically reached up to trap it against her cheek. He tilted his head to the side as he studied her facial expression. "Go be brilliant, sweetheart. I'll be fine and anxiously awaiting your return."_

_She nodded and blinked back the tears threatening to spill over again. "I love you," she murmured and pressed a kiss to his lips before he had a chance to reply to her._

_"I-" he murmured between kisses. "I love you too."_

_She nodded and took a deep breath preparing to push herself away. Leaving him was hard, but this is what needed to happen. She released him and turned to walk out the door without another word._

_Two hours, a broken pencil, and a yellow highlighter mark across her nose were the consequences of time spent away from Toby. But as she climbed the steps to her apartment she was struck by just how relieved she felt. The finals were done, and now she had nothing to do but take care of Toby until she was able to find a job. But she had her trust fund. Theoretically she could stay unemployed for awhile. He needed her._

_As she approached her door she heard laughter traveling through the heavy wood. What were they doing? Once she pushed through the door she could stop a smile as she saw the two boys sprawled out on the couch playing video games._

_Toby was always a bit of a loner. He had friends, but he was content to spend time alone. But with Caleb it was different. They were more than friends. They were like brothers, and she knew that she would be forever grateful to Caleb for what he did for Toby._

She decided to forgo the makeup, realizing just how emotional this day would be. The last thing that she needed was mascara trailing down her face. She was certain that she would look crazy enough on her own.

She walked back into her bedroom to retrieve her doctor companion. When she saw him with a pillow pulled over his face she couldn't help but laugh. When he heard her Caleb tossed the pillow away. "Spence, would it be creepy to tell you that you smell really good?"

She laughed again, already feeling slightly better. Not great, but better. Caleb had the effect on people. She shrugged and grabbed her purse off of the end table. "Are you ready?"

"Yeah," he nodded, pulling his keys out of his pocket. "So, what have you been up to?"

"Mostly laying in bed and cry," she said honestly. There was something about Caleb that you just didn't want to lie to.

He pulled open her door for her and shut it again behind her. He didn't answer until he got in his side and drove off onto the street. "What do you think Toby would say to you if he saw you so sad?"

"He would feel guilty," she said without hesitation. And she knew she was right. He felt guilty whenever she was in pain, even more so when he thought he was the cause. But how could she let this go?

"Do you think you would react differently if he could see you?" Caleb somehow was asking the exact questions that would get her to think about her emotions.

"I would hold it in, because he should feel guilty about nothing. But it's almost like he could see it with these letters." When she started talking about the letters he voice dropped down to a near whisper. "He knew exactly how I'd react."

"Because he loved you." Caleb's voice dropped low enough to match her own. "I mean, it was almost disgusting," he laughed. "He always talked about you. Like always. And it was always with this disgusting tone of ooey, gooey love in it. Like you could tell he adored you by the way his voice and his face softened at the mention of you. You two had something that I can't even describe."

Spencer decided to try this new thing where she didn't burst into tears at the mention of her dead husband. "I always loved the easy way that you and Hanna could toss sass back and forth like a tennis match and then jump in bed together. It was equal parts envy-inducing and adorable."

He hesitated as he pulled into the hospital parking lot. "Spence, speaking of that, I need to ask you something."

"What?" She murmured, not really having the energy to speak too much. She kind of just wanted to go back to bed.

"I was waiting because of what happened with and Toby, but- but I um, I think I need to- I think it's time that I propose to Hanna."

A nervous Caleb was literally one of the most adorable things that she had ever seen. She fought to keep the smile off of her face, wanting to hear his question first.

He ran his fingers through his hair nervously. "Would- um would you mind? I know how hard that Toby's death has been on you, and I don't want to make it worse on you. Hanna and I will be fine if we have to wait a little bit longer. You're more important right now."

Where had she found the people that she called her best friends? They were literally the most incredible people on the whole planet. "Of course not! Ask her! We can all use a little bit of joy in our lives right now. And Toby would have loved it."

He nodded and pressed his lips together to suppress his emotion, because that's what Caleb did when he was going to do anything but laugh. He pushed it down so that he didn't have to be emotional in front of other people. Instead he glanced at his watch. "Your appointment is in 7 minutes. Are you ready for this, Spence?"

"Not even a little bit," she admitted as she climbed out of the car. She put a hand on her stomach as the gassy feeling bubbled up in her stomach again. If she raised this child she was going to have to get the little kicker into soccer or something.

Caleb jumped out of the car and hurried after her. He linked his arm through hers as they walked together through the hospital and up to the correct floor. "I am having a dilemma," he said with a tone that suggested that he was just trying to distract her. "Hanna told me a joke last night, and I don't get it."

"Why didn't you just ask her?" Spencer laughed.

"And give her ammunition to hold over my head for the rest of my life? No way. Okay so she asked me what you call an alligator in a vest. And apparently the answer was investigator. But like, I don't get it. Is she saying that detectives always wear vests?"

She snorted at his oblivious words. She wasn't sure whether he really didn't understand the joke or if he was trying to cheer her up, but she appreciated it either way. "IN-VEST-I-GATOR," she enunciated slowly.

His face was still blank as they sat down, but after a moment his face lit up. Apparently he really hadn't understood. "Oh my God, I feel like an idiot now."

Before she could respond a nurse stepped into the waiting room. "Spencer Cavanaugh?"

And with that all of her anxiety immediately came rushing back. She looked at Caleb desperately. "Would it be too weird for me to ask you to come back with me?" She didn't know if she could hold it together if she went alone.

Caleb studied her face for a moment before nodding. "Yeah, that's fine," he said slowly. He helped her up and put his hand on her back, propelling her in the direction of the nurse. Luckily she had the same nurse the last time she visited and had her breakdown, so the woman knew better than to question her too extensively.

The three of them walked into the ultrasound room where the nurse got her situated. "Dr. Burns will be in here shortly," she informed them before gliding back out of the room. Nurses always seemed like they were in a hurry.

She had never had an ultrasound before, but she had certainly seen one done before.

_She sat near his head, running her fingers gently through his hair. Today they had basically done every test known to man on her husband, and it was literally and truly breaking her heart. "How are you doing, sweetheart?"_

_"I'm alright."_

_He was lying. He was lying through his teeth, but she wouldn't call him out on it this once. If he wanted to be strong for her she would let him. But there was no way that he was fine after an MRI and a spinal tap. She saw the needle that they stuck into his back. "I haven't ever had an ultrasound, but this should be the easy one."_

_"It always looks pretty easy on TV," he agreed._

_"Maybe I can make it a little easier," she said softly. She stood up, too short to reach his face from her seated position, and leaned down to drop a careful kiss to his lips. "I love you Toby Cavanaugh," she murmured with her lips still brushing against his._

_"I'm so lucky that I have you," he agreed. "I don't think that I would be able to get through this without you, Spence."_

_"Yeah right. You can do anything, superman."_

_He rolled his eyes as the ultrasound technician walked into the room. _

_Her loving eyes were colored by a renewed sense of vigilance. She turned to the technician. "What is this for, exactly?" She shot off in a voice that suggested that she meant business._

_The woman looked up from the gel she was preparing like Spencer did her some kind of disservice by asking about the procedures being done to her husband. "Um, well this is to ensure that there is no swelling in his organs. Sometimes the cancer spreads before we catch it. And if, for instance his liver, is swollen it gives us indication that we should check there further."  
_

_Spencer nodded in approval. "Okay, and can you walk us through the process before you begin." She knew she was being a pain in the ass, but she wouldn't let anyone do anything to Toby without understanding it herself first. He was too polite to ask and too distracted to try to understand._

_"I'm going to spread this gel on his stomach, is it okay if I do that while I explain?"_

_Spencer was going to protest, but Toby wrapped his hand around around hers, immediately silencing her. She turned to look at him, but he was looking at the other woman. "Feel free." He shot her a warning look immediately followed by a smile. Toby was great about the hug sandwich kind of thing. I love you Spencer, but you're being kind of a pain in the ass. Oh by the way, you're really pretty. A little pile of nasty surrounded by two morsels of goodness._

_The woman began to run the gel into Toby's stomach. She felt him flinch, but when she looked at him questioningly he just shook his head. "Cold."_

_She didn't listen to the rest of the woman's explanation. It was more important for Toby than for her. An ultrasound was relatively harmless, which was literally the only reason she allowed her mind to wonder. She sat back on her chair, and he fingers immediately found their way back to his hair. As she watched the wand travel across his toned abdomen she was seized by a quick shot of terror. He had to get through this. She couldn't lose him._

_He had to survive._

During the course of her emotional day dream her own doctor had managed to begin her ultrasound. "Spencer, I can tell you the sex of your baby with about 80% accuracy. Do you want to know?"

Did she want to know? She wasn't used to indecision, and she didn't like it. Knowing the baby's sex would give her something to hold on to. She could picture their face when it got hard. She could go buy them clothes when she felt depressed. But on the other hand, getting attached would make it more difficult to give the child up if that's the path she took.

Her friends and family had to be getting annoyed with her pregnancy related indecision, but until they were in her shoes they couldn't truly understand. She knew that she should make a decision about whether to keep the baby or not soon, but she knew herself. And because she knew herself she was afraid that she wouldn't be able to fully decide until she saw the baby's face. If all she saw was Toby she would know that the baby would have a better life apart from her. A life where they weren't second best. A life where they weren't a consolation prize. Because they deserved better than that. They deserved the world.

But if she looked at the child and saw it for what it was, a part of Toby that she got to keep with her together, then maybe she would be able to find it within herself to keep the child. Maybe.

Caleb's hand tightening its grip on hers pull her back from her emotional musings. "Yes," she decided at the spur of the moment. "Yes I do want to know."

Because if she gave the baby up, if she decided that she couldn't keep them, she wanted that child to have something from their birth parents. Something they could keep forever. And buying that present would be made much easier if she knew the sex.

Both the doctor and Caleb smiled proudly at her, causing her to blush slightly. It didn't feel like that big of a step. The doctor smiled at her and pressed some buttons on the machine, copies of the sonogram flitting through the printer. "Congratulations, Spencer. You're having a little girl."

A girl? God, she could only imagine Toby's reaction if he were here. His face with begin elated, and the panic and fear would flash through almost immediately. He would have been the best dad to their daughter. She took the sonogram from the doctor and brushed her fingers over the blurry outline of her daughter. _Her daughter._

She heard the doctor telling Caleb that they could leave when they were ready, but she turned them out. Her eyes were trained on the first picture of her child. Her child. This was her child. **Her child.**

"Spence, you ready to go get that frozen yogurt now?" He asked her hesitantly.

She slowly ripped her eyes away from the picture. "Let's do it."

And she wasn't just talking about the yogurt. Not anymore. She lifted the picture back up to her eyes. **My daughter.**


	17. Chapter 17

**Haha okay guys. I'm not going to bore you with too many words. But this is kind of funny. I was worried this chapter was going to be too short, LOL. no. It's actually one of the longest.**

**I don't want you guys to get too complacent with this story. More drama is coming. But if you read my other stories you know how I roll. Got to build them back up before knocking them down. SO don't think that your tears are over in relation to this story. Not quite yet.**

**Okay, happy reading! The reviews from last chapter were INCREDIBLE! I was grinning for days as they came in! Next chapter will be up when the story gets to 145, but like if you can get me to 153, tied with my second highest reviewed story, I will flip. And I will do something special. IDK what yet, but something! If you have ideas let me know!**

Chapter 17

**December**

Hanna nudged her way between Spencer and Emily and linked their arms together. "Snow, angels, carolers... I love Christmas time!"

Spencer did too. She smiled softly and pressed her hand against her stomach, effectively connecting them all together. Her sisters and her daughter. The most important girls in her life. As they stopped and waited for the light to signal that they were safe to cross the street Hanna ducked down and pressed her ear to Spencer's belly. "Happy first Christmas Baby Cavanaugh. Be born so I can take you shopping and spoil you!"

Spencer laughed and swatted Hanna's head away. "Don't make my daughter materialistic before she's even born."

"There no avoiding it, Spence," Emily chimed in with a chuckle. "Your kid is going to be the most loved little girl in this city. And honestly, that kind of involves piles of presents."

She smiled and didn't answer that time. Because she had a feeling that her daughter would need all of the love that she could get to make up for what she's going to be missing from Toby. She shook her head to clear those thoughts away. Her first Christmas without Toby was going to be hard enough without dwelling on the hard parts of the future. One day at a time.

"Are we done?" Emily asked, looking between both girls.

"Um, I wanted to get one more thing-" Spencer said awkwardly. They might think that she's a crazy person.

"For who?" Hanna questioned, eager to get more shopping done.

"I think I want to get something for Toby. I know he's dead, but-" She trailed off, not sure how to complete that sentence and sound less crazy.

"No, I got you," Hanna said eagerly. "Let's go find the Tobe-meister a present. Maybe we could find him some kind of decoration for his gravestone?"

"No," Spencer replied immediately. She didn't clarify, because she would sound even crazier. She hadn't been to Toby's grave yet, and she had no plans of going any time soon. She was starting to accept that he was dead, she really was. But going to his grave would give it a degree of permanence that she wasn't ready to face.

"Okay, well what if we donated some money to charity in his name? Maybe some cancer foundation?" Emily suggested.

That was a decent idea, and she knew that was the kind of thing that Toby would have appreciated. "Um, that sounds good to me."

_"What do you want for Christmas, Toby?" Shopping for him was always a pain. He wouldn't give her a real answer. He would tell her that he didn't need anything or something equally unhelpful. "And if you say nothing I might get you a thorough ass kicking. Don't do it."_

_He chuckled and wrapped both arms around her waist, pulling her carefully down into his lap. "But I really don't need anything. You're in college, baby. By definition that means you're broke. Save your money for something more important."_

_"You know that I have more than enough money. I have even more because you won't let me pay for anything," she laughed. He said it wounded his gentlemenly pride when she broke out her credit card. "And besides, there really isn't anything more important than getting you a present for Christmas."_

_"Yeah, well I love being able to take care of you."_

_It wasn't lost on her that had anyone else in the world said that, any single other person, she would have been offended and gone off into a feminist rant. But with Toby everything was different. Was it the loving way that he talk to her; like with every word he spoke to her he was caressing her with his calloused hands? Was it the fact that he was the only person in the world that she was sure would always love her no matter what? She didn't know. But what she did know was that Toby could get away with what was intolerable in most other people._

_He chuckled and tucked a chunk of hair behind her ear. "I can see your mind working. Quit overthinking and just let me love you."_

_"I do," she sighed. "But how did this get turned on me? Tell me what you want for Christmas!"_

_"Physically, I'm not sure. Whatever you pick out, I'm sure that I will love it. But I was thinking, and I think I want to volunteer on Christmas morning." He was speaking hesitantly, like he was afraid that she might disapprove. What a beautiful idiot._

_She slid off of his lap and onto the couch next to him. She might not be too heavy, but she was heavy enough that she would put his legs to sleep before too long. "What do you mean?" She half smiled and cupped his cheek with her right hand, lightly brushing out a circle with her thumb._

_"My boss volunteers at the homeless shelter in Philly on the weekends, and he said that they're having a lot of trouble finding volunteers for their Christmas celebrations. And that they're going to have to cut back if they can't find people." He hesitated to take in her expression before continuing in a more rapid voice. "Listen, I know it's not the best timing, and I know that you want me to go to dinner with your family. But I think I can do both, and-"_

_Had he lost his mind? That was the only possible explanation as to why he would think that she didn't support this. "Can I come?"_

_His face lit up with the most outrageously adorable smile. "Are you sure? You'd really want to?"_

_"I want to be wherever you are," she said seriously, leaning upward to meet his lips with her own._

_He brushed his lips over hers and pulled away again. God, she would do anything in the world to keep that smile on his face. Toby deserved all the happiness that life had to offer. His hand found hers and their fingers intertwined together like they were made for no other purpose. It had always fascinated her how well they fit together. Like two connecting puzzle pieces._

_Toby dropped a swift kiss to her forehead, his lips lingering a bit longer than usual. "I just- I don't know. This were so hard for awhile, and now it feels like everything is getting better. I have you, I have my own place... Maybe it's time that I give back."_

_His blank, defeated eyes from the day that she found out about Jenna flashed unwittingly through her mind. They were a stark contrast to the joy and contentment that she saw now. "You're right," she said softly. They were so blessed. There were people out there who needed help, and if they could do something to ease their situation, especially around Christmas, then they should do it without hesitation. "I don't know if you know this," she teased, "but I kind of love you a lot. Like more than anything in the world."_

_He gently wrapped a hand around the back of her neck and pulled her head against his chest. He pressed his lips to the top her head. "I love you too," he murmured into her hair. "So much."_

"Spencer? You're starting to space out more than Hanna did in Pre-Calc." Emily laughed and tugged on her hand to get her to cross the street.

"Excuse you! Someone has their rude pants on tonight. And it's not like you paid perfect attention in every class. I seem to remember Spencer doing your Spanish homework a time or two!" Hanna nudged Emily's arm.

Emily gasped, acting more upset than she really was. "Who cares about Spanish?! I know how to ask for the bathroom, and nothing else really matters. Besides, I think Spencer did everyone's homework once or twice."

"I can vouch for that," Spencer chimed in with a laugh. "The two of you were bad, but Caleb was the worst. What was his theory on Biology again?"

"That he doesn't need to know why a cell divides, just that it does," Hanna said. "But don't put too much weight on that. He uses that for everything. Last night I asked him why putting something in the microwave cooked it and he was like shut up it just does."

"You two are so sweet to each other." Emily said sarcastically.

"Has- has he done anything cute lately?" She winced at her obvious question, but how else was she supposed to word it? Caleb needed to just propose already before she accidentally spilled the beans. Spencer could keep a secret from literally everyone in her life but Hanna. The girl somehow was always able to worm the truth out of her.

And this was no exception. Hanna gave her a speculative frown. "What are you hiding?"

"Nothing!" Her voice squeaked at the end. Shit, if she gave this away Caleb was going to kill her. Damn it, bro just propose to your girlfriend already.

"Spencer, stop lying to me!" Hanna laughed, which was good; it was a clear indication that she wasn't all that upset.

"I'm not!" She internally grimaced. Sorry, Toby. She was going to have to break out the only card she had left. "My husband just died, Hanna! Excuse me for wanted to live vicariously through your adorable-ness."

Hanna hesitated in next retort, obviously trying to deduce how upset she really was. "He fed me pasta last night. Are we ready to go home?"

Spencer didn't respond to the second part of that question. She just turned around in the direction that they parked. "He fed you pasta? How Lady and the Tramp of you!"

"It was really adorable. My throat hurt, and he did what he usually did. He teased me and made a big deal about it. But he came back with a plate of pasta and fed it to me. It was super cute. When he thought I was asleep he kissed my forehead and carried me into my room," she laughed.

Caleb was a little bit adorable. It made her miss Toby, sure. She would always miss Toby when she was reminded of him. But mostly she was happy that Hanna had someone like him. They hadn't strayed too far from the car so it only took them for a moment to get back to it. Spencer climbed into the back seat allowing them to sit in the front. She was sad per se, she was just feeling introspective.

Everyone said that the holidays were the worst time for people who lost loved ones, but right now she was feeling stronger than she had since she lost Toby. Was it the letters? Was in the unyielding support of her friends? Was it the unexpected pregnancy that connected her to everything she felt like she lost? She didn't know, but she wouldn't knock the strength because she didn't know how long it would last.

The worst thing of all of this was that she was starting to forget things. She was starting to forget the way his hair felt as she ran her fingers through it. She was starting to forget the crookedness of his smile. The exact shade of blue that his eyes were was starting to allude her. She hated herself for forgetting these things. She hated that she couldn't hold on to them.

Sometimes she disgusted herself. If she allowed herself to think about it she became completely disgusted with the person that she had become. She would never be the same without Toby in her life. She knew that. But she put on a good show. She went to her doctor's appointments, she went shopping with her friends, she ate her dinner. But shouldn't she still be mourning? Shouldn't she have stopped heaven and Earth to mourn the loss of her brilliant, beautiful, perfect husband? Because that's what he deserved. He deserved people sobbing in the streets over his loss. He deserved a mile long line at his showing. He deserved to never be forgotten by anyone. He deserved so much more than what he got.

And this baby. God, this baby was coming; it was a fact that she became increasingly aware of as the days passed. Her stomach was ballooning out, and the morning sickness had finally stopped. She was noticeably pregnant. She had decided to keep her, but that wasn't without her doubts. Because God knew that this baby deserved so much more than her. The baby deserved Toby.

But more than anything she tried not to dwell on it. Because if she thought about it too hard it would destroy all the progress that she had made. She refused to regress. Especially with a baby on the way. She couldn't just think about herself anymore. But even more than that, try as she might to deny it, she knew what Toby would have wanted from her had he been aware of the entire situation. He would have wanted her to do everything she could to move on; if not for her sake, for the sake of their child.

Maybe she was still a little sad.

"Can we come up and wrap our presents, Spence?" Emily asked her hopefully.

"Is that code for asking me to wrap your presents for you?" Spencer asked, knowing full well that was what Emily was hoping for. She loved her friends, but they weren't so great at wrapping presents. They had this tendency to give presents in Walmart bags, which was tacky. She didn't mind helping them out.

"Maybe? I can drop you can Han off and go get coffees to make up for it," Emily smiled, knowing that she had her.

"Make it herbal tea and you have a deal. The doctor said that I should avoid caffeine." Worst suggestion ever. She was having coffee withdraw, and it sucked.

Spencer tried to grab some bags, but Hanna ripped them out of her hands. "No, you aren't going to hurt my niece. Let me carry them!"

She rolled her eyes but allowed Hanna to carry the feather-light bags. "I don't think that lifting something the approximate weight of a bag of feathers is going to hurt my child."

"No risks." Hanna looked at her from the corner of her eyes, trying to subtly study her face and failing. "Can you imagine how Toby would be reacting if he were here?"

Spencer snorted. "He was already horribly protective without having the pregnancy to worry about. He would legitimately lose his mind."

"I could just imagine him insisting on carrying you up the stairs and putting ice cubes in your hot tea," she laughed. "Toby was like the perfect combination of protective and independent."

He was. He really was. But before she could respond her eyes were met by a large, brown package sitting on her welcome mat. "It's Sunday. What the hell is that?"

Hanna shrugged as though Spencer had expected her to answer. Spencer walked ahead of Hanna and looked down at the tag. Her heart literally felt like it was being crushed in a vice.

"Spence? What is it? Who's it from?" Hanna asked her anxiously.

"It's from Toby," she whispered. She hadn't heard from him since Peru, and she honestly thought that this was done. She thought that was her last letter, and God, she wouldn't have blamed him if it was. She wouldn't have blamed him if he stopped there. He was **so **sick. He could barely talk, but somehow he managed to write her an innumerable amount of letters. But also, what better way to go out with a bang than sending your depressed wife on the trip of her dreams?

She felt Hanna take her keys out of her hand and deposit the bags in the apartment. "I'm just going to carry the box inside, alright, Spencer?"

Spencer nodded and followed quietly back into the apartment after Hanna, pulling the door shut behind her.

"Do you want me to stay, Spence?" Hanna asked softly.

She nodded, and moved to open the package. But she noticed a tape recorder duct taped to the side. Oh God. Oh my God. She carefully removed it and clutched the recorder to her chest. Oh Toby. It was like a weight was holding down her finger as she tried to press play. This was going to be hard, but she had to listen to it. It would help. For a second it would feel like she ripped open a wound, but then it would heal back over, stronger than it was before.

She pressed play and put it on the table so that she could rest her face in her hands.

**"I bet you thought you'd heard the last from me, baby. And I'm sorry for that."**

Even as she listened to his voice she could tell how much weaker he sounded. Pain was present in every syllable, and his words were breathless. Like he couldn't get enough air into his lungs. This had to have been close to the end. Why had he been thinking about her? Why hadn't he worried about himself?

**"I didn't even realize that I was going to record this. I had a letter written for you, but then I realized that I needed to do this. This is as much for me as it is for you. Because I have some things to tell you. Things that are better said than written. Things that you need to hear. First, baby, I need you to not be afraid to move on."**

Was he kidding? He had to have been kidding.

**"I know that you won't want to. I know that you'll fight it tooth and nail. I know that you will, Spence. Because I know you. And to be honest, because I never want to lie to you, I don't necessarily love the idea of you with another guy. But if that's what you need, if that's what helps you to move on, then do it. Just make sure that he treats you right. Make sure that he loves you as much as I do. Shit, I should have wrote Caleb a letter asking him to kick anyone's ass who doesn't treat you well."**

She couldn't stop her laugh at that one. Toby was a pacifist. He was a lover, not a fighter. But actually, if there was ever a time that he would kick someone's ass it would be in that situation. But he was crazy because that would literally never happen. She couldn't ever imagine a situation where Toby wouldn't be the love of her life, of her existence.

**"Secondly, when I say move on I don't just mean in a relationship. This one I really mean, Spence. You need to do this. You need to let go. You need to take time for yourself. You need to let go of me and you need to do the things you love again. I'm sure you're making progress. I'm sure you're doing alright, but I'm equally sure that you're not quite there yet. It's okay to not think about me the entire time. It's okay to be happy. It's okay to laugh. I might be dead, baby. But you aren't. You didn't die with me. You're still alive, so don't be afraid to live your life. You would do me a greater disservice by not living than you would by constantly thinking of me. You'll be okay, sweetheart. I know you will. You're the strongest person that I know. Not only did you save me, but you also saved yourself again and again. Just hang in there. Keep pushing through this. We'll be together again, I'm sure of it."**

She wiped away the tear that slipped from her eyes and turned to look at Hanna, who had a pained look on her face. When she looked at her questioningly Hanna shrugged inadequately. "I don't know, alright. I'm just really emotional, and this is like a flipping Lifetime movie."

Spencer chuckled and turned her attention back to the tape. Hanna was right, but a lot of her life with Toby was like that. He was a romantic. He thrived on stuff like this.

**"Now, you're probably wondering what the purpose of this is. I'm sure you're looking at the big brown package in front of you."**

How did he know? Maybe she had opened the package first. That was a bit presumptuous.

**"Don't try to deny it. You know you ripped this recorder off first. You always have been like that. You force yourself to read the card or the note before you actually open the present itself."**

Hanna laughed. "Oh, he's got you there, Spence."

**"Did you really think I'd forget you for Christmas, baby?"**

Kind of, considering he was dead. Who does this? Who meticulously sits down and thinks through exactly what the person they love is going to need after they die? What they're going to need to do, what they're going to need to hear? Toby did. That was who.

**"Here's what I want you to do. I want you to pause this and open up the package. Then press play and I'll explain what it is. It's not much, I'm sorry. But I'm not really up for a lot of shopping right now."**

She paused the tape and stared at the package for a second before ripping it open. Inside was a thin, rectangle wrapped in tissue paper. She gently removed the tissue paper to reveal a painting of Rosewood that was obviously done from the vantage point of their spot at Lookout Point.

_"Where are you taking me, you creeper?"_

_"Did you just call me a creeper?" Toby chuckled. "What does that even mean? That I walk quietly? That I creep around?"_

_She laughed and lifted their intertwined fingers to her mouth so that she could plant a gentle kiss on his wrist. "No, that you're clearly taking me in the woods to murder me."_

_"Yep. That's exactly what I'm doing. Damn it, Hastings. You ruin all of my diabolical plans," he said sarcastically._

_She smiled at him, knowing that he would never hurt her. But had any other man, or person for that matter, driven her down a dark, windy, gravel road in the woods at 2 am she would have been very uncomfortable. But with Toby she felt nothing but safe. "Well, I'm certainly glad that I foiled this one. I kind of like being alive."_

_He flicked on his turn signal pulled into the abandoned parking lot of what was clearly some kind of scenic overpass or park. He reached for the door, but paused and turned back to her. His eyes scanned her body, and for a second she thought that he was checking her out, but that thought immediately left her head as he shrugged out of his jacket and passed it to her._

_She shook her head, trying to refuse it. He wouldn't catch a cold for her sake. But he wouldn't take no for an answer. He carefully wrapped the jacket around her shoulders with his feather light touch. He was always so gentle with her, always so careful. She loved him for it. She knew that she loved him, but she couldn't say it yet. Not until she knew if he felt the same way._

_He took her hand and led her down a dark, wooded path. Little shots of doubt cracked at her feelings of security. Was this a good idea? "Toby...?"_

_He could obviously hear the apprehension in her voice, so he pulled her to a stop and turned to her. He flanked her face with either of his hands and waited until she was looking at him before speaking. "I would never do anything that would hurt you, sweetheart. If you want to go back we can, but I promise that everything's fine."_

_She just looked at him for a moment before nodding wordlessly. She really did love him. He smiled softly at her and grabbed her hand, leading her again. It only took a moment before they walked through the treeline. A gorgeous, panoramic view of Rosewood spread out below them. Toby pulled her down onto a large rock and sat down beside her. "I come here when I need to get away sometimes."_

_"Kind of like your field?" She asked him._

_"Kind of. But this place feels even more special for some reason. When you're in Rosewood all you see are the little things. The monsters, the good people, your house, your friends' houses. But you never get the big picture. Up here you can look down and see everything. The town wouldn't be the same without every single piece of the puzzle, but you can't tell that from down there. You can only see that when you're up here getting the whole picture. Does that even make sense?"_

_She smiled and leaned her head down against his shoulder. "Perfect sense."_

Spencer just stared down at the painting. Had he painted this himself? She reached out and pressed play on the tape, not taking her eyes off of the painting.

**"Okay, so the painting. Remember all those times you dropped me off at support group? I was kind of ditching at the end and taking an art therapy class instead. They encouraged us to paint something meaningful to us, and this was what kept popping into my head for the longest time. I don't know why. I loved the view from up at Lookout Point, but I wasn't sure why that was what qualified as the most meaningful to me until I stopped and thought about it. One of the reasons that I loved the view so much was because it helped me put the small things in Rosewood into the bigger picture. And God, baby that's what I want to do here. Because I have to believe that there's a greater purpose to all of this suffering. I have to believe that something good is going to come out of this. I can't see everything yet, and neither can you. But in the end it will turn out alright. It just has too."**

At that point tears were running down her face, and she didn't have to look at Hanna to know that she was crying too. Hanna had never been the most quiet of criers. How did he always know exactly what to say and when she needed to hear it? How did he manage to know her so well?

**"The thing is, baby... I know the cancer was hard on you. It was hard on me too. The pain, the uncertainty, the tole that it took on you... it wasn't fun. But honestly, I will be eternally grateful that if I had to go that it was this way. That I had some warning. Because I got to do this for you. I didn't die suddenly, leaving you with a mountain of confusion and grief. I died slowly over the course of the year. I'm sure that had its pain and hardship for you. It certainly did for me. But I'm okay with what it cost me, because I got to help make my death okay for you. Because the thing is, I'm gone. I'm gone and I don't hurt anymore. But you're still there living with the loss. More than anything in the world I wish I could be there for you. I truly do. But since I can't, this is the next best thing. Hang the painting up. Look at it and remember me. Remember how much I love you, Spencer. Never forget that even for as brief a time we had together, you were loved more than any woman had ever been loved. I'm sure of it. I love you, Spencer. Now and for forever."**

She felt Hanna's hand wrap around hers as the tape ended. She looked down at the painting and reached out to press play again. He said that it wasn't much, but she couldn't imagine something better. She couldn't imagine a better present or a more timely message.

She loved him so much, and she didn't think that was ever going to stop.


	18. Chapter 18

**Okay, guys! This chapter is a bit different! It has January and February in it and is LONG. Next month is March, then the baby is due in April. Just to help you guys with the time frame.**

**The January part actually happens on New Years Even though, fyi.**

**I stole a line from Twilight in here and kind of reworked it a little bit. I used to be embarrassingly obsessed, shhh don't tell. Kind of embarrassing now. Also stole an Emison line. But like, it worked so well that I couldn't. Shout out in the next chapter to anyone who can point out both in their review and still leave a proper review :)**

**Next chapter will be up at 155 reviews! It's done, I just need to edit it. If it happens FAST I might not notice, because I'm super super busy tomorrow. So check late tomorrow night early Tuesday :). Love you all to the moon and back. You're incredible.**

**I feel the need to warn you that the tears will make a come back. I made myself BAWL writing a future chapter. I won't tell you which one.**

**Also, little plug. If you're bored and haven't yet, go check out my season 5 speculation story, Time Stands Still. It's kind of alright :)**

**Review!**

Chapter 18

**January**

She sipped her non-alcoholic, sparkling grape juice and watched Caleb hovering over Hanna, trying to keep her from drinking too much. Two months later and the idiot was finally hoping to pop the question. Had he _consulted _with her Spencer would have told him that it was quite the terrible idea. Hanna enjoyed ringing in the new year as inebriated as she could manage. If he wanted Hanna to be sober when he asked her to marry him then he truly should have waited for tomorrow.

But far be it from her to stop true love from progressing.

"What's going on with them, Spence? Hanna thinks he's going to break up with her or something."

Spencer snorted. Hanna and Caleb break up? But the connection wasn't lost on her. She thought the same thing when Toby was trying to propose to her. Silly boys trying to do it perfectly. All that they wanted was to marry them. That was what was perfect. "Are you sober enough to keep a secret?"

"I've had two drinks," she said. "And it was like two hours ago. I'm good to go."

"Why aren't you drinking more?" Spencer was curious, because while Emily didn't quite subscribe to Hanna's New Year's drunken practices she did enjoy herself more alcohol than usual.

"I don't know. You can't drink, so I figured we could keep each other company. Toby's- not here. And I don't have anyone, so..." She trailed off awkwardly, shooting Spencer an apologetic grimace for mentioning Toby.

But she needn't have apologized. It's not like she didn't know that her husband died. The hardest part of it was knowing that the last year that she shared with him was coming to an end. It would be 2015 soon, and she was going into it alone. Toby would never get to see anything past 2014. It felt like the world should have stopped with his death, but it didn't. It kept going, and as wrong as it felt she had to learn to be okay with it. "Well you can be my date, Em," she laughed. "It'll be a nice change."

"Well, tell your date what's going on with our best friends."

Spencer glanced at Hanna and Caleb to make sure they weren't in earshot. "He's going to propose to her."

"What?" Her smile grew exponentially. "Are you serious? How long have you known?"

"About two months," she admitted reluctantly. "Caleb want to make sure that it wouldn't be too hard on me before he asked her, which was sweet and unnecessary."

"I don't blame him, Spence. You've been handling this so well, but there is still a chance that something will push you over the edge," Emily said softly as she put a hand on her knee.

"Oh trust me, I've cried more than I care to admit. I- I still wake up and forget that he's gone. It's all I can do to keep going sometimes." She hadn't mentioned that to anyone yet, and she hoped that Emily didn't think that she was crazy.

"I have a question, and if it's too hard for you to answer you don't have to," Emily said suddenly.

"You can ask me whatever you need to know." She wouldn't refuse Emily anything. That was the kind of relationship that they had.

Emily nodded and looked down at the ground. "When did you know that you wanted to be with Toby forever?"

Had Emily found a girl? Spencer smiled softly, really wishing that she could tease her. But she knew that Emily wouldn't respond well to teasing.

_She looked down at her books. Unless someone went through college they truly had no comprehension of how difficult it was. Finals and note taking and reading massive books. It was time consuming, exhausting, and she was just all together done with everything. What did it matter? She could just drop out of school and be a hooker._

_And furthermore, the library was the exact opposite of quiet. You would think finals week would be the best time to study in the library, but it wasn't true. You had the little sorority girls, the friends laughing together, and undergrads just being genuinely annoying. She had to get out of here._

_She gathered up her books and carefully maneuvered her way through the crowded hallways. She scarcely avoided having a hot coffee dumped down her front by an oblivious freshman as she slid through the front doors. People were idiots. Maybe she would have better luck studying outside. Maybe she would feel like less of a failure in the fresh air._

_But a failure she was. She couldn't even focus long enough to write one last paper. That's all she had to do and then her second year of college was behind her. She pulled out her History book to look for another source, but was distracted by rustling as someone sat beside her. She looked up, prepared to give them a piece of her mind, but her mood took a immediate turn for the better when she saw that it was Toby. "What are you doing here?" She whispered, scarcely believing it was him_

_Because between his job and her studies they hadn't seen each other since March. It was far too long. Her entire body was vibrating with the desire to throw herself into his lap, but she needed to see what he was here first. It could be bad news. But she doubted it. She doubted he'd be here, sitting next to her on a bench, and smiling like that if it were something bad._

_"I missed you," he said, just as quietly. Their words lingered only between the two of them, like they were trapped in their own little bubble, like no one else in the world could see or hear them. "I needed to see you. I know you have finals, but-"_

_"No, this is perfect. I- God, I missed you so much." She looked at him for a moment longer before practically throwing herself into his arms._

_He caught her easily, pulling her trembling frame into his chest. "Are you okay?" He suddenly became concerned. She must have still had that air of defeat about her. Toby had always been able to effortlessly feel her emotions._

_"Just a brief moment of overwhelming anxiety and defeat," she said candidly. There wasn't any use in lying to him. He always saw right through her. "I'm alright now that you're here."_

_"What was wrong?" He asked her softly. He ran his hand over her hair in a way that always made her heart flutter like a cheesy romance movie._

_"Just feeling a little inadequate. Before I came here I always felt like the smartest person in the room. But now I feel like every one here is smarter than me, and I don't know- I just felt like giving up." She sighed and buried her face deeper into his chest.. "I love you."  
_

_"I love you too, Spence. But you have to see that there is no one smarter than you, no one better than you. You are literally the best person that I've ever met." He kissed her temple and drew her closer. "These UPenn snobs have nothing on you," he said softly._

_Her heart swelled with love for him at his passionate declaration. He was wrong, but he truly believed it, and that meant more to her than anything else he could have said. She wanted him. She always had, ever since that first coffee date. But now? God, she couldn't imagine her life without him. No one else would have been able to cheer her up so quickly and effectively. No one else could make her heart soar. There was no one else in the world for her but him. _

_"Want to go back to my dorm?" She whispered. She wasn't necessarily asking him to do anything with her. She just wanted to be alone so that they could cuddle without feeling like they were on exhibition. _

_He smiled her favorite soft smile and stood up, holding a hand out to her to help her up. They walked together toward her dorm. But if felt like more than that. It felt like they were walking together toward the rest of their life._

"God, Spencer. Only you could make a panic attack and totally innocent flirtation sound so poetic," Emily laughed. "But thanks. I just- I don't know, it's hard to admit to yourself that you love someone."

"It is," she agreed softly. "It always is, but it's also so worth it. I may have lost Toby, but I wouldn't change a single second of our life together. He made me feel loved, valued, and like the most important person in the world. It was worth it. It was worth all of this pain, because he was everything to me."

"I have this friend- her name is Maya. I didn't tell you about it, because I thought it'd be hard for you, but now things are escalating, and I think- I think that I might love her," Emily's voice got lower the more that she admitted.

Spencer sighed and brushed her hair back and out of her face. "Listen to me, Em. Losing Toby was hard. It was the hardest thing that I've ever done or will do, but I still want to live, okay? Don't ever be afraid to come to me with something this significant."

Emily opened her mouth to respond, but she was interrupted by a God awful screeching from across the room. "Yes! Yes, you idiot, yes!"

Spencer smiled as Hanna jumped into Caleb's outstretched arms. She wrapped her legs around his waist and he twirled her around in a circle.

"Looks like Caleb finally found his balls," Emily laughed.

Things were looking up.

* * *

**February**

February 14th. Valentine's Day. For one hundred percent of her life she had hated this day. She had an issue with the commercialization of love, certainly. But her greatest issue was the way that it made people feel. Those with relationships were condescending about their status. Like being in a relationship made them a better person on Valentine's Day. And single people became insecure to a near maniacal state. Valentine's Day sucked.

This year was no exception. She was fervently upset about Valentine's Day every year, but this year was different. A day specifically dedicated to love was really hard when the person that you loved had been gone for several months. She missed him. She missed they way that he woke up in the morning with breakfast in bed. She missed the way that he always brought her flowers on Valentine's Day, even though she told him not to. God, she just missed him.

Most days she could push Toby to the back of her mind. It's like he lived in a little corner of her heart, but most of the time she could ignore him. She could forget about the pain, and she could go on with her life. It wasn't that she didn't love him. She loved him so much that it hurt. That's why she had to forget about it. It was the only way that she could function.

_She slid through the apartment door with her head down. It had literally been the longest day ever. Not only because it was the dreaded Valentine's Day, but also because she had to leave Toby. Ever since he got sick she literally dreaded the days that she had to let him out of her sight._

_Emily had come to stay with Toby while she was gone, but it wasn't enough. She didn't want to baby him, but she was literally terrified every second that he was out of her sight. She trusted Emily to take care of him, but she trusted no one to take care of him as well as she would. Furthermore, the doctors had her terrified. They continuously told her that he could take a turn for the worse at any time. What if he got worse while she wasn't there? What if she couldn't help him?_

_"Spence, hold on."_

_Spencer hung up her keys and turned to Emily questioningly. Emily smiled at her. "Just indulge him, okay? He was really adorable and worked hard to make this a good day for you."_

_"What are you talking about?" She asked hesitantly. "Is he alright?"_

_"He's better than I've seen him in a long time. And he's really excited. I-" she laughed nervously. "I tried to talk him out of it. I know how you feel about Valentine's Day, but he said half the fun would be in pissing you off."_

_Spencer laughed. She chugged a half a glass of water and put the cup in the sink. "That sounds like him. Is he in the bedroom?"_

_"He is. I'll let myself out." Emily put a hand on her shoulder before sliding through their front door. _

_Spencer smiled at her friend's departure. As soon as she was gone she spun on her heel, through the hallway, and into the bedroom. "To-" she began, but her words were lost in her throat as she took in the bedroom._

_"Do you like it?" He asked softly._

_She couldn't immediately answer. Her eyes roamed the room taking in the five vases of flowers arranged on the dresser, the assortment of candles on the bedside tables, and iPod dock that was softly playing her favorite classical music playlist. It was all perfect. "I- Toby, I-" She didn't even know how to verbalize how perfect it was._

_But he knew what she was trying to say. He always knew what her heart was saying even when she couldn't quite speak the words. He smiled and walked across the room to her. She vigilantly watched his steps, but was gratified when they were smooth and strong. He really seemed to be doing alright. His hands landed on her shoulders and slid down her arms until he reached her hands. He slowly interlocked their fingers together and brought one of their conjoined hands up to his mouth, pressing a gentle kiss to each of her knuckles. "I know that you don't like Valentine's Day- but I woke up this morning and I was feeling good. You've been so great, Spence, just perfect in every single way. I know that I can get through this as long as I have you. And I just wanted to do something nice for you."_

_How was she supposed to voice her moral objections to Valentine's Day after that cutesy little speech? She straightened up as far as she could and gently kissed him. He might have been feeling alright, but she didn't want to exert him too much. "I love you more than anyone has ever loved anyone before."_

_"Well, you're almost right," he murmured, brushing his nose against hers in his signature move that made her knees weak. He smirked as though he knew the exact reaction that inspired in her. "Em and I also picked up some bubble bath. She said it was your favorite... We could start there if you wanted."_

_"Start?" She questioned with a raised eyebrow._

_He smiled and tucked her hair behind her ears. "You didn't think that this was all I had planned for you, did you?"_

_Their locked fingers weren't enough contact anymore. She let his hands go and wrapped both arms around his waist, tucking her face into the crook of his neck. He responded immediately by pulling her in closer. She sighed and let the love and contentment work through her overly stressed body. "This is perfect. Just being here with you. How long can we stay like this?"_

_He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "How about forever?"_

She pulled a pillow tightly against her chest. Her eyes squeezed shut as she tried to contain her tears. It's not what Toby would want. Getting upset wasn't good for the baby. But the harder she tried to calm herself down the more upset she got.

She didn't want materialistic things. She didn't want flowers or chocolate, she just wanted him. She wanted him to hold her and to wipe her tears away. She wanted him to press his face to her stomach and try to talk to their daughter. She wanted him to be there to go to doctor's appointments and taking birthing classes with her.

She just wanted Toby.

Most of the time she was able to push down her more desperate emotions, but not today. Not on the day that was dedicated to love. For so long Spencer hated the commercialized aspect of it. She hated the insecurity and superiority that it inspired in people. But she was slowly starting to see how wrong she was. Because that stuff all came from people who's relationships weren't on the same level as hers. Toby and she didn't only express their love to each other on Valentine's Day. They didn't make other people feel bad for being single. They just lived their lives saturated in the love that they felt for each other every day, including Valentine's Day. The holiday was just an opportunity to eat chocolate and cuddle, which was fine with her.

She should have realized that earlier. She was content to just lay there and dwell in her pain and regret, but her hopes were dashed at a persistent knocking on the door. She through a sweatshirt on, because she wasn't wearing a bra, and trudged through the apartment, opening the door.

"Delivery for Spencer Hastings?" The voice came from behind a massive bouquet of flowers.

"That's me," she said in confusion. "Who are they from?"

"Anonymous. But I think there's a card in there somewhere." The disembodied voice of the flower man explain to her. He slid around her, somehow able to see, and sat them on her table. "But the anonymous person wasn't lying when they said you were very pregnant. Is this okay? You probably shouldn't lift them yourself."

"This is great, thank you." She said softly, starting to suspect what was going on.

The flower kid walked out the door, and as soon as he was gone she searched the flowers for the so-called card. She found it behind a large peony and ripped it open.

_"Spencer, I couldn't not send you flowers on Valentine's Day. I know how much you love it. That was sarcastic, by the way. Not sure how well it translates onto paper. Anyways baby, I love you. Forever. -Toby."_

She closed her eyes and clutched the card to her chest. His timing was always so on point. She pulled the paper to her lips and allowed it to linger there for awhile. She couldn't kiss Toby, but his fingers had once touched this paper. And that was good enough for now. Forever.


	19. Chapter 19

**I'm sorry. That's all that I've got to say. I'm sorry! Lots of reviews means a fast update. And the next chapter is from a POV other than Spencer's so I think that you'll be wanting to read that :) Oh and I got a review asking how "anonymous" knew Spencer was pregnant! Anonymous wasn't Toby. He just wrote the note and told them to send the flowers. Anonymous is the person behind delivering the letters!**

**No one really got the Twilight and Emison quotes. Twilight= "I love you more than anyone has ever loved another person before." "You're almost right." Emison= "How about forever." **

**But I will give caitycaites a shout out for helping me figure out my next story idea! Hope you guys are up for the tragic, albeit slightly less tragic, Spoby versions of movies. Cause next I think I'm tackling The Vow.**

**Want a shout out next chapter? Find the quote from The Fault in Our Stars. And then go see the movie (although you SHOULD read the book first). It opens on Friday in the United States.**

**My new goal is to get this story to be my most reviewed story! So 234 reviews over all. I think that we can do it! Review my loves! Next chapter will be up at 163.**

**I'M SORRY.**

Chapter 19

**March**

"Spencer get your ass out of bed and come shopping with me and Caleb!"

Spencer groaned and flung a pillow in the direction of Hanna's voice. "Leave me alone, Hanna. I'm pregnant."

"Not for too much longer, preggo! You need to go shopping for baby Cavanaugh or else she's going to be sleeping in a dresser drawer!" Hanna laughed and ripped Spencer's blanket off of her.

"You're lucky I'm not sleeping naked, woman," she moaned. But it was halfhearted, because Hanna had no idea the can of worms that she opened up with that statement. She had been putting off baby shopping for a pretty good reason. It just hurt too much.

_Shopping with Toby was both her favorite and her least favorite thing, at the same time. She loved spending any kind of time with him, and time spent in the grocery store was no exception to that. But they had a tendency to get so distracted that they spent hours within a store without even realizing it._

_"Can we get some Doritos?" He asked her hopefully with a knowing smile on his face. He knew what her answer would be._

_"Are you wanting to make me fat?" She laughed. She loved Doritos, and if they were in their house she would eat them all unapologetically. Well at least until the ball of chips and disgustingly delicious orange powder settled in the bottom of her stomach. The regret settled in around the time._

_He chucked and poked her in her flat stomach. "I feel like that's not possible."_

_"Because I don't keep things like Doritos in the apartment!" But as soon as she saw him put them back without question she had a change of heart. "No, go ahead and get them Toby. Just hide them from me."_

_"No, that's alright," he gave her an easy smile._

_But she was over it. She wasn't going to let him be so selfless. Yeah, it was over something as simple as Doritos, but it didn't matter. She grabbed the bag and tossed them in the cart, steering off before Toby could snag them out of the basket._

_"Spencer!" He laughed and grabbed her waist as he caught up to her. She giggled and leaned up to kiss him._

_"What if we have a baby one day?" Spencer asked him as they cut through the baby aisle at Walmart. She leaned into his chest as they stopped in front of the cribs and bassinets. "This is a cute crib."_

_"It is cute," he laughed, brushing his fingers across the cool plastic. "But I always thought that I might make my child's crib one day."_

_"Really?" She didn't know why that surprised her, but it did. She knew how gifted a carpenter Toby was, and how much he enjoyed working with his hands._

_"Yes! I mean I know it's a bit cheesy, but it's just something that I've always wanted. These cribs seem so flimsy. I want my future, hypothetical child to be safe, you know?" He ran his hand through his hair like he was embarrassed._

_"Toby, you are literally the most adorable human being on the planet," she chuckled. She rose to her tip toes and pressed a soft kiss to his cheek. She could feel the blush rise against his skin as it always did when he was praised._

_He laughed and grabbed her hand again. "Can we go find the stupid tomatoes now and stop embarrassing me?"_

_"But you're so cute," she laughed and mused up his hair._

_"Spencer!" He groaned and playfully swatted her hands away. "I look like Harry Potter!"_

_"A sexy Harry Potter," she laughed again. "You're seriously too cute for words. And don't be insecure about the crib thing, baby. I think that's perfect."_

_He bent down and dropped a gentle kiss to her lips without warning. "I love you so much Spencer."_

_"I love you too," she whispered and leaned into him. This was perfect. Everything was perfect._

He was so determined to do that for their child, and now he never would. Maybe that was one of the most tragic things about this entire situation. They had so many plans, so many goals, and he wouldn't be there to achieve them. He wouldn't be there when their baby was born. He wouldn't be their for their 10th wedding anniversary, when they planned to hike along the Great Wall of China. He wouldn't be there when she started her first job post-graduate school. He wouldn't be there for any of the defining moments that she'd want to share with him.

She had so many wonderful people in her life; so many people that would be there for her through anything. But the only person that she wanted to talk to about Toby Cavanaugh's death with was Toby Cavanaugh. The only person that she wanted to spend her life with was Toby.

"Spencer, seriously did you go back to sleep? Trust me, this is the best idea! Come out with us. I'll even buy you lunch. What is my niece craving?"

She sighed and rolled over, determined not to let this little setback ruin her entire day. She really was getting stronger even if her thoughts and feelings from this morning didn't necessarily reflect that. Things were getting easier, and she was starting to move on. Not from Toby. She would spend her entire life missing Toby, but it was getting easier to function.

"The baby wants a big ass burrito from Chipotle," she murmured and held her hand out for Hanna to help her up.

The blonde responded immediately, eagerly pulling herself to her feet. "I look like a beached whale," she groaned. She was actually kind of glad that Toby couldn't see her like this. He would say something unbelievably sweet, she was sure. But that didn't mean that she looked alright. That just meant that she had the best husband in the world, and she didn't need his words to remind her of that, as nice as they might be.

"A really small beached whale," Caleb teased from the corner.

She gasped and tossed a pillow at him. "So rude!" She laughed because she knew that he was kidding, and the pillow pummeling was plenty satisfying.

"Keep your hands to yourself, woman!" He laughed.

"Are you sure you guys want me to be the third wheel?" She hesitated, not sure whether it was a real invite or a pity invite.

"Shut up," Hanna laughed and grabbed her hand. "Let's go get that baby her big ass burrito."

"You shouldn't cuss in front of the baby," Caleb said seriously. "She's going to come out cussing. Her first word will be bitch or tits or something!"

She couldn't stay in a bad mood around these two. They threw sass around like a ping pong match. It was all she could do to keep up without laughing. They were the best.

The first thing she noticed when she walked outside was that it was storming. A jagged bolt of lightning shot across the sky with no warning. The corresponding clash of thunder reached her expectant ears just a second later. There was no rain, just mother nature's symphony dancing throughout the clouds.

She hated storms. Thunder and lightning had been her constant companion throughout every horrible experience in her life. When Toby was diagnosed they were under a severe thunderstorm watch. When her nana died a tornado knocked down a farm house in Bucks County. The night that Toby died the tornado sirens were the sound track that played in her mind. It might sound dramatic, but storms kind of were are harbinger of doom.

It was even storming the night that she came the closest to breaking up with Toby.

_"Toby, baby, please. You have to talk to me." She put her hand on his arm, but he shrugged away from her._

_A loud explosion of thunder nearly sent her leaping from her seat, but she refused to be deterred. He had been pushing her away for weeks, and enough was enough. He might not want it to be her, but he needed to let someone in. "Please let me help you. Or hell, let Caleb help you. Let your **dad **help you. Just let someone in."_

_He lifted his head from the driver's side window and gave her a frustrated glance. His eyes were bloodshot. Probably from a combination of tears and sleepless nights. God her heart went out to him, but she couldn't help him if he wouldn't let her. He glanced at her and then looked out the window. "I don't need help. My mom's dead and she's never coming back. How can anyone help with that?"_

_"They can't sweetheart. They can't. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry, but I can't stand to see you like this. Just tell me what I can do to help. I will do anything you ask me to do, I just don't know what you need." She grabbed his bicep with both of her hands._

_He shrugged out of her grip again and looked down with his eyes squeezed shut. "Just go," he whispered._

_His voice was so low that Spencer wasn't even sure that she heard him correctly. "Say that again?"_

_"Just leave," he said with more strength. _

_Neither his tone nor his words were harsh, but she still flinched like he slapped her. "I-" she began, confused. "W-what?"_

_"Just-" he swallowed before continuing. She watched as a tear trailed down his face. "I can't do this anymore, Spencer."_

_"What are you saying?" She didn't take her eyes off of him. If he was saying what she thought that he was saying then he was going to look her in the eyes when he said it. "Don't beat around the bush. Just spit it out."_

_"That I can't do this anymore. I- I think we should-" he stopped talking, his single tear was rapidly joined by more._

_She loved him. And because she loved him so much it hurt her to see him hurting like that. She would do whatever she could to help him. Instinctively she knew exactly what she needed to do. Before he could move away she grabbed his face with both of her hands, forcing him to look at her. "I love you. **I love you. **And if this is what you need I **will **do it. But let it be known that this is not what I want. I- Go home. Go home and sleep on this before you say another word. If I don't hear from you by tomorrow I'll assume that you decided this really was what you needed."_

_She could hear the wavering in her voice toward the end, and she knew that she had to get out of there. She had to get out of his truck before she started crying. Because she wouldn't let her emotions influence what he needed. She leaned up to press a kiss to his forehead before releasing him, climbing out of his truck, and sprinting down the sidewalk._

_He had picked her up, so she had to walk back to her house. She didn't mind, the rain hadn't started yet. But judging by the lightning and thunder that were currently lighting up the dark sky it would be coming soon. If Toby was thinking clearly she knew that he would have wanted to drive her home, but she absolutely refused to stay long enough for his guilt to settle in  
_

_She didn't care if he was serious. She didn't care if their relationship **had **ended there. Because no matter what happened, she loved Toby Cavanaugh with every single part of her heart. He did so much for her in such a short period of time. He showed her that life was worth living. He taught her that she was worth something, despite how her parents made her feel. For the first time in her life she knew what unconditional love felt like, and that was solely due to Toby. If it was over she would be sad, devastated probably. But if they were truly over she would at least be able to hold onto the fact that what they had was so, **so **real._

_About halfway back to her house the tears started. They began slowly, one by one, increasing rapidly until her entire face was covered by hot, wet tears. She paused and squatted closer to the ground, pressing her palm against a tree to keep her balance. Violent sobs rocked their way through her body. She could try to be strong. She could try to make up her mind to be positive, but what was the point without Toby? She never wanted to be the girl that lost herself in a boy, but she did with Toby. She did because she thought it was safe. She thought that he would always be there for her. She thought that he was her safe place to land._

_And to add insult to injury the heavens opened up and heavy rain poured down on her head, drenching her to the bone in a matter of seconds._

_"Spencer!"_

_She flinched at the sound of his voice and tried to wipe around her tears, but it was impossible. She didn't know what were tears and what was the rain on her face. She couldn't calm her sobs. She was the kind of person that once they allowed themselves emotive release they couldn't turn it off._

_"Spence," he murmured. The loving, warmth was back in his voice, but it was still saturated with sadness._

_She couldn't look at him. He had to know that she was crying. What else could send her to that position? But she didn't need to confirm it. She tensed as his warm hands pressed against her freezing, trembling skin. "Spencer, just look at me."_

_She couldn't stop the desperate laughter from escaping her over emotional throat. It came out sounding more like a strangled sob. He had to see the irony in using the same words that she had used just a few minutes ago. His hands tightened on her shoulders and gently pulled her to a standing position. He carefully turned her around to face him._

_The remorse in his eyes was the first thing that she noticed. The second was his gentle hands working to clear her face of any remnants of tears. When he saw that it was hopeless he pulled his jacket off and wrapped it around her shoulders. It was wet, but it protected her bare skin from the chill of the rain, and for that she was ridiculously grateful. "Spence-"_

_As much as she wanted to throw herself into his arms she couldn't. Not until she knew whether this was his gentlemenly nature kicking in or a genuine apologetic gesture. "You- you didn't have to get out of your truck. I c-can walk," she murmured. Her voice broke halfway through the sentence, and she hated herself for being this emotional around him. He shouldn't be worrying about her right now. He had enough going on in his life._

_"I'm sorry." He didn't bother to acknowledge her words. His tumbled out of his mouth in a nearly incomprehensible blur. "I'm so sorry." He just looked at her for another moment before gathering her up in his arms and holding her tightly. "I love you so much. I'm sorry. I'm so, so, so sorry."_

_She buried her face into his chest, giving herself three seconds to pull herself together. When she looked up at him she would be in control. She would be the one giving comfort, not taking it. She would be what he needed her to be. She took a deep breath and pulled away slightly. She framed his face with her hands and waited to speak until she was certain that he saw the sincerity in her eyes. "I know who you are, Toby. You never have to say that you're sorry."_

_He just looked at her for a second before his face split into the widest smile that she had seen on his face since his mother died. He dropped down and pressed a passionate kiss to her mouth, holding her so tightly that he nearly lifted her feet up off of the ground. "I love you," he whispered into the crook of her neck. He let out a long breath and marginally loosened his grip on her. Enough so that her feet were securely on the ground._

_"So just to be clear," she began, wanting to make sure that she wasn't assuming anything, "You think that you maybe can go ahead and keep doing this thing?"_

_He nodded and brushed his thumb along the entire length of her jawbone. "I never want to be without you. And earlier... you asked how you could help?"_

_"Anything you need," she replied with no hesitation. Her words were muddled as a shiver ran through her body from her head to her toes. It was only at that moment that she realized that they were still standing outside in the pouring rain. _

_Toby must have come to the same realization because he wrapped a steady around around her shoulders and lead her back into the direction of his truck. "C-can you stay with me tonight? I booked a room at the motel because I- I can't go home. And I just- I also don't think I can be alone. Will your parents miss you? Do y-you- do you have to go home?"_

_She didn't care if her parents sent a search party out to comb the entire town. There was no way in the world that she was leaving Toby right now. She nuzzled her head into his side as the walked, and his far arm reached up to gently cup the side of her neck in response. She smiled at the easy way he touched her. She loved him so much. "I'm exactly where I need to be."_

"Han-" she mumbled as a violent explosion of thunder ripped her away from her memories.

Hanna turned to her, knowing her aversion to thunderstorms. "Everything will be fine, Spence. This won't be one of the bad storms."

"Bad storms?" Caleb questioned as he climbed into the driver's seat. Spencer got into the front because Hanna insisted. But she was grateful. Her massive belly made it difficult to sit in the backseat comfortably.

Hanna crawled in behind Caleb and mussed up his hair. "Spencer's bad moments happen with storms. It's a total coincidence, but she's decided to see some kind of voodoo magic in it."

"Oh. Well this one looks like it's dying down," Caleb said as he pulled away from the curb. "Storms aren't even that big of a deal. Sometimes people drive like idiots, but other than that they're kind of relaxing."

She used to think that way. But it seemed as though Hanna and Caleb were right when it came to this one. The thunder and lightning made it clear that the storm was on its way out.

Their conversation was easy in the way that only people who had been friends for years could achieve. They could talk about anything or nothing and it would still be comfortable. Like pulling on your favorite pair of sweats. Spencer smiled and looked out the window. Life was starting to look up. Or at least that's what she thought before she peered through the glass just in time to see a yellow SUV plow into the side of the car.

Her last thoughts were with her daughter before her world went black.

**I'M SORRY.**


	20. Chapter 20

**I did a little reader service here haha. There wasn't any Spencer's POV in this chapter, but I literally got 6 reviews asking for this over the last couple chapters. Well not exactly this, but this is as close as I can get. Enjoy :)**

**Also, I'm so glad that none of you guessed who was delivering the letters. I thought I gave it away a few chapters ago, so I'm glad to know that I was wrong!**

**OKAY ALSO, guys I have my first big girl job interview tomorrow and I'm FREAKING OUT. I want this job so badly! Send me prayers, happy thoughts, and reviews! PLEASE!?**

**This was fast, yes I know, but so were your EPIC REVIEWS! Long reviews that tell me exactly what you liked about the chapter are literally the best in the world.**

**Ummm so about the TFioS quote, I'm not going to say who got it right because I just realized what a MASSIVE SPOILER that was. But what I will do is send you guys a small sample of the next chapter in the next day or so. You know who you are and if I forget for some reason remind me!**

Chapter 20

SPOV

She felt nothing, and then she felt everything. She felt the sweat trickling down her brow, drop by drop. She felt the nervous, irregular beating of her heart. She felt the goosebumps erupting along her exposed skin. She felt everything with a renewed sense of awareness. That's why she could scarcely miss it when two gentle hands wrapped around her upper arms and hauled her upward.

Her eyes blinked open, and at first she could see nothing but a blinding, white light. The world slowly came into clarity and the first thing she noticed was his eyes. The blue that was not done justice in photographs and video. The clear, azure that stole her heart from the moment that she first clearly saw it. The color that she was so afraid would slip through her grasp and be lost to her.

_**Toby.**_

"Is this a dream?" She breathed.

He nodded, smiling softly; but it didn't quite reach his eyes. "It is. You'll wake up soon, but we should have a minute or two together first."

"W-what happened?" She stammered. This may have been a dream, but it was more than she could have ever hoped for. It was more than she thought that she'd ever get again. She was content to stay here forever.

"You were in a car accident," he said quietly. "It wasn't too bad. You'll be fine, but-"

"The baby," she whispered. "Oh God."

Toby's hands framed her face like they had so many times in the past. "Listen to me Spencer. We don't have much time, so I need you to listen to me and to hear me." He waited for her to nod before continuing. "You are so much stronger than you think you are. You've done beautifully, baby. You've done so well. But it's not over yet, okay? Our daughter- she needs you. I can't be here with you two, and it kills me. It **kills **me. I didn't think that leaving you could be any harder than it was, but leaving you **and **our child is the worst thing imaginable. I wish I could be there, but I can't. But **you can.**"

She wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face in his chest. "I still miss you every day."

His hand methodically ran through her hair. "I know, sweetheart. I miss you too. But we'll be together again; just- just not right now." He took in a shaky breath. "You have to go now."

"I don't want to leave you," she whispered through the tears that were now coming heavily. "I don't want to be alone."

He pulled away and brushed the back of his hand over her trembling cheek. "Don't be silly. You know that I'm wherever you are. I'm always there, Spence."

She closed her eyes, relishing in the feel of his skin against hers, but when she opened them again he was gone. She was in a hospital bed with the bright light shining down on her.

"Spencer!" She didn't have to look to know that was Hanna. "Spencer, shit, I'm so sorry. I'll never make light of your aversion to storms again."

"The baby?" She asked softly.

The happiness on Hanna's face faltered slightly, which gave Spencer all the answer that she needed. "Um- they're not sure how the crash effected her, but what they do know is that you're going into labor."

She rolled over onto her side and stared at the plain brick wall. She wouldn't move, speak to, or look at anyone until she knew that her child was okay. She had to be. A contraction ripped through her stomach, and she clenched her teeth to bite down a scream. She was only five weeks early. She would be okay. She _**had** _to be okay.

* * *

EPOV

Her fingers froze and the phone slipped out of her stiff hand as Hanna gave her the news. **No. **Damn it, that baby was the only thing keeping Spencer going. That and Toby's incredible foresight into what his wife would need.

Emily snagged her keys off the table and ran toward the door in a sprint, but right before reaching the opening she skidded to a stop. No, she needed one more thing. She ran to her room and pulled a crisp, white envelop from between her box spring and her mattress. She traced the letters that he so carefully penned out during his last days. _'When I Should Be There to Hold Her Hand..."_

Even now emotion snagged in her throat when she thought of the lengths that Toby went to to make his death okay for Spencer. It was beautiful, poetic, slightly morbid, and mostly just proved that true love never dies.

The day he told her what he was planning she thought that he was crazy. But somehow he was right. He was always right when it came to Spencer.

_"Hey!" She walked into the hospital room, smiling when she saw that Toby was up. He was going home soon, but not because he was feeling better; because he was worse. The doctors thought that he was dying. Spencer refused to believe it, but she jumped at the chance to take him home, and Emily was honestly glad. Toby seemed to thrive when it was Spencer taking care of him._

_"Em," he smiled and beckoned to the chair next to his bed. "I'm really glad that you're here. I had something that I needed to ask you."_

_"Anything," she agreed readily. Toby had been one of her best friends for most of her life. Now that he was in trouble she couldn't imagine refusing him anything._

_"Don't agree so quickly," he chuckled. His laughter was punctuated by a painful sounding cough._

_Emily frowned and looked around. Her eyes landed on a pitcher of water by the sink. She pulled herself to her feet and poured him a glass of water. The gratitude on his face when she passed it to him was ridiculous. There was something about Toby that made you kind of want to just curl up in a ball and cry. Life had dealt him basically the shittiest hand possible. He went from being repeatedly assaulted by his psychotic step sister, to the death of his mother, to getting cancer. But he was still so, incredibly good. It was like life threw all the cruelness it could at him, but nothing could harden his soft and gentle heart._

_She smiled softly and lowered herself back onto the chair that was so typically occupied by Spencer. "Where's Spencer? I don't think I've seen her away from you since- I actually don't remember the last time."_

_He got the same look on his face every single time that Spencer was mentioned. His entire body relaxed and his face lit up with an unparalleled sense of joy. She could only pray that one day someone would look at her the way that Toby looked at Spencer. A small, fond smiled tugged at his chapped lips. "I kicked her out. She needed to sleep, and she won't do that here."_

_Emily understood Spencer's urgency. She denied it with her words, but her actions showed that she understood what the rest of them were seeing. Toby didn't have much time left. Losing him would be hard, but she couldn't imagine how difficult it would be for Spencer. "What did you need to ask me, Toby?"_

_"Yeah I-" He scratched the back of his neck, trying to figure out how to word what he needed to say. "I- God, Em, I don't want to leave her."_

_He didn't have to clarify for her to know that he was talking about Spencer. "Hey," she murmured and rose to sit on the edge of his bed. She gingerly placed her hand on top of his. "Maybe everything will still be okay. Maybe you can still beat this."_

_He shook his head. "No. I can't say this to her because it will scare her. I don't want her to be scared. I never want to upset her, but I can't stop this. I **will **keep fighting. But something feels different now. Something feels- wrong. I don't think that I'm going to win this time."_

_"Oh Toby," she said softly. "You-"_

_He shook his head again, cutting off her words. "I didn't say that to make you feel like you need to comfort me. I said it because I need you to understand. When I die she- Spencer- isn't going to handle it well. She's going to close herself off, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. But maybe since I see it coming I can help her."_

_"What do you mean?" She wasn't sure where he was going with this. No matter what he did his death was going to be devastating for Spencer, for all of them. Toby was their moral compass. The one whose goodness shined no matter the circumstance._

_"I've been writing her letters. For holidays that I'm going to miss and situations that might come up. And I have a couple of ideas. Things that she might need after I'm gone, things that she wouldn't do for herself. I- I just don't know how to say goodbye. But I think this is an okay start." He looked at her hopefully, like all he needed was her encouragement._

_She wasn't sure that it was a bad idea, but she also wasn't sure that it would have his desired effect. "W-what about when the letters run out?"_

_He paused. "Spencer's strong," he said slowly. "She doesn't see herself clearly, but she is so strong. She will get through it with a little help. I hope by the time she gets the last letter she'll have realized that strength." He smiled ruefully. "She'll have you and Hanna to help her."_

_"What are you asking me here, Toby?" She still wasn't sure why he was telling her this. Did he want advice? Support? What?_

_"Will you deliver the letters? I- I mean I can mail them. But it would be better with someone on the inside. Someone who knows when she needs them." He could sense her hesitancy because he continued on immediately. "Please Em," she could hear the tears in her voice and that was when she knew that there was no refusing him. She would do whatever it took to keep him happy. Especially if he was right and his days were drawing to a close._

_But he continued before she could agree. "I- God, I don't know how to explain to you what I feel for her. She just is everything to me. **Everything. **If I lost her I wouldn't be able to function. I would just- I would be done. I wouldn't want to live anymore. And to think that I'm about to do that to Spencer, the girl who literally and truly saved me more times than I can even tell you. She gave me a reason to live, and now I'm going to unimaginably hurt her. I know it's not on purpose, I **know, **but shouldn't I do everything that I can to ease that hurt?"_

_"Okay," she whispered as soon as there was a lull in the conversation._

_"Really?" He asked her in disbelief, like he hadn't expected her to agree. When she nodded his face lit up with a bright grin. "Thank you so much."_

She arrived at the hospital in record time. Or maybe it was in the normal amount of time. She was lost in her memories, so she wasn't quite certain. She didn't even remember leaving her car. All she knew was that the letter was clutched to her chest. She didn't know how to help Spencer. She was certain that Hanna, Caleb, and her parents were equally at a loss as to how to help her. But maybe Toby could.

She had to get the letter to Spencer. She didn't care if it blew her cover. Her job was nearly done, anyway.

As she rushed through the hallways she immediately became lost in the memories of the most romantic, loving thing that she had ever experienced.

_"Toby, this is a terrible idea." She tightened her grip on his arm. She damn well wasn't going to let him fall. "Spencer is going to kill me."_

_"Spencer is in class, and she thinks that we're having a Harry Potter movie marathon. She'll be none the wiser." He reached out and pushed the door open for her, despite the fact that he was having trouble even staying on his own two feet. Always the gentleman._

_She caught the door with her hip and supported him as he limped through the door. The longer he lived the weaker he got. But she could still see the fight in his eyes. He would hold on until he finished this; of that much she was certain. He wouldn't go until he knew that Spencer would be okay._

_He stumbled but managed to keep his balance. She sighed and released his arm to wrap both arms around his waist. "Will you at least let me get your wheel chair?"_

_"I'm alright," he replied, spotting the travel agent that he had made an appointment with. With each step he took he allowed Emily to support more and more of his weight. She could have done this on her own, but he was stubborn until the bitter end. He wanted to do it himself._

_"Mr. Cavanaugh?" The perky brunette looked up from her papers as Toby sat down. Not at all to her surprise the woman started to tear up when she looked at him. "Mr. Cavanaugh, I read your email a number of times, and I can honestly tell you that this is truly the most beautiful thing that I've ever been a part of. Your wife is a lucky girl."_

_He shook his head without hesitation. "I'm the lucky one. Can you help me?"_

_"I've already built a trip to your specifications." She passed a sheet of paper to him. "Can I ask why you chose Peru?"_

_Toby looked at her, but before he could even ask she took the sheet and quickly skimmed over the meticulously drawn up plans. She knew that he wanted to do this on his own, but his vision wasn't the best. The cancer was slowly eating away at his body. It wouldn't kill him, one of the complications would. It was just a matter of time before they figured out which one it would be._

_Everything seemed to be in order. As soon as Toby saw her nod of approval he turned to the woman. "My wife, she deserves the world. She deserves everything, and I'm not going to be able to give that to her. But ever since she was a little kid she always talked about going to Machu Picchu and walking through the ruins. This I can do for her. This much I can do."_

_The woman snagged a tissue out her desk drawer and loudly blew her nose into it. "I-I'm sorry. That is the most beautiful thing that I've ever heard. I'll draw up the tickets and mail them to you."_

_Emily shook her head, injecting for the first time. "Mail them to me." She slid a piece of paper across the counter. "This is my address."_

_"You're the owl?"_

_She couldn't help but laugh at the woman's Harry Potter reference, considering what they told Spencer they were doing this afternoon. "That I am."_

_She helped Toby up, and they walked together toward the door. It might have been her imagination, but Toby felt stronger this time. Maybe doing this for Spencer would be as good for him as it would be for her._

_"Can I borrow you phone?" He asked her softly after they were both settled into the car._

_She handed to him without a second thought. As she pulled out onto the highway she heard his call go through._

_A ghost of a smile appeared on his wasted face. "Hey Aria. I have a favor to ask you."_

Emily breezed through the hallways and burst into the room that Hanna had directed her too. The first thing she noticed were Hanna and Caleb. Caleb was pressed against the wall, a pinched look of distress coloring his typically easy going face. Hanna sat on the bed next to Spencer, trying to reason with her. "Spencer you need to let the nurses help you. Please Spence, this can't be good for her."

But Spencer didn't respond. Hell, if Emily couldn't see the soft rise and fall of her chest she might not of realized that she was even breathing. Without warning an anguished cry rose up from Spencer's throat and her body visibly tensed. Contractions must be incredibly painful.

Emily had to blink back tears as another memories forced its way through her emotional mind.

_A cry of frustration broke the uneasy silence. Emily looked up from her book uneasily, unsure of what had caused Toby to make such a noise. Was he in pain, or was he just frustrated? "Are you alright?"_

_When he looked up from his crumpled up piece of paper she was alarmed to see tears streaming down his face. In the weeks since he had returned home his health deteriorated rapidly. It wasn't so much due to his returning home as it was just the cancer taking his tole. The tears tore their way down his hallowed out cheekbones and bounced off of his formerly toned chest. "I can't do this. Damn it, I just can't do this."_

_"What are you talking about? Maybe I can help." She was sure that it had something to do with Spencer, so she doubted he let her do anything, but she couldn't help but try._

_He shook his head and threw the ball of paper at the wall. His toss had no strength behind it and the paper fell to the floor just past his bed. "This is the second to last later I have to write to her, but for some reason it's so much harder. I want to put it with her Christmas present, but- Damn it, I don't even know. There are some things that she **needs **to hear, things that I need to say. But they're impossible to translate onto paper. How am I supposed to tell her how much I love her? How is she supposed to know that I don't blame her for moving on one day if I write it?"_

_"Do you still have that voice recorder?" She suggested gently. "You could say it. It wouldn't be perfect, but it might be better than a letter."_

_He looked at her thoughtfully before nodding in agreement. "It's worth a shot. Can you get it for me? It's under the bed."_

_She nodded and reached around under the bed until she found it. She took it out of the box and inserted a tape before handing it to him. He gave her a grateful, albeit shaky, smile. "Em, do you actually mind-"_

_"You don't even have to ask," she interrupted. "I'll be in the living room if you need me." She grabbed her book and walked toward the door. Before leaving she turned to him, the unease balling up in her stomach. "Toby?" She murmured, turning around at the last minute._

_He looked at her questioningly. She chewed on her lip, unsure of what she even wanted to say. She just knew that she had to say something. "You're one of the best friends that I've ever had, and- I don't know, I guess I just thought that you should know that."_

_"Same to you, Em." He said while he fiddled with the tape recorder._

_She just looked at him for another second before walking out of the bedroom door and perching on the couch. She could hear the low tones of Toby's voice as she read her book. It was soothing, almost like a quiet song on the radio._

_Just as Toby's voice stopped, Spencer walked through the front door. She brushed her hair away from her tired eyes and gave Emily a questioning look. "How is he?"_

_"He's- um, he's upset." When she saw the panic in Spencer's eyes she immediately backtracked. "He's **alright. **He didn't get worse or anything. He's just- I don't know, sad maybe?"_

_Spencer nodded and gave her a halfhearted, smile of thanks. "Thanks for spending time with him, Em. He really loves you."_

_Not half as much as he loves you. You just wait for it, Spence. But she couldn't say that. She just smiled and walked toward the door knowing that what Spencer really wanted was for her to leave so that she could go check on Toby. Before walking out the door she took one last glance at the apartment, and caught sight of Toby through the bedroom door that Spencer was opening. Any semblance of sadness or distress were gone as soon as he looked at Spencer. She had never seen two people as in love as them, and she doubted that she ever would again. Maybe they would be okay. Maybe Toby would beat this._

_She didn't know it then, but that would be the last time that she saw Toby Cavanaugh alive._

"Han, Caleb," she glanced between her two friends. "Could you give us a minute?" She suddenly knew what she had to do. She knew what Toby would want for her to do.

Caleb acquiesced to her request immediately, walking toward the hallway like he couldn't escape the depression that was saturating the room fast enough. But Hanna was harder to convince. She remained in her spot, looking at Spencer like she was crazy. "Han, please. Seriously, this is the right thing."

Hanna studied her face for a long moment before nodding. "I'll be right in the hallway."_  
_

She watched Hanna's back as she walked away, and once she was sure that they were alone she turned to Spencer. She walked forward a few steps knowing that this was either going to help or it would earn her a punch to the face. Either way, she knew that it was worth the risk. "Spencer, I need to tell you something. And I'm a little worried that it might make you hate me."

That had Spencer's attention. She still didn't talk, but she turned to look at Emily, the question obvious in her eyes. Emily bit her bottom lip and slid the letter out of her back pocket. She passed it to Spencer and immediately looked down at the ground. If she were going to get punched she wanted it to be a surprise. She didn't want to see it coming.

"You?" Spencer breathed. Her words were punctuated by a painful sounding gasp.

Emily put her hand around the back of Spencer's neck and carefully began to massage the tensed up muscles. That's what Toby would do if he were here, and that's what Spencer needed right now. "It was me. And let me just say, getting these out of your apartment without you noticing was quite the challenge. When I sat with Toby one day he approached me with the idea and I could refuse him. He was- so thrilled at the idea that he could help you through this from beyond the grave. Do you remember when he started to feel better? There was a day or two in there when he almost seemed like his old self."

She could tell from her wince that Spencer remembered the days that she was talking about. "Well, Toby came to me right before that happened. And I firmly believe that the thought of helping you was enough to give him that strength. You were what kept him holding on for so long. You have to see that, Spencer."

Spencer still didn't talk. She just looked up at Emily hopefully, so she continued. "He planned everything so meticulously. He wrote out when I should give you what, wrote several copies of the letters just to ensure that they were all legible, and he even went to the travel agency himself. I know that you might not want to believe it Spence, but it's true. You were the strength that Toby needed to fight his cancer."

She glanced down at the letter in Spencer's death grip. "And Spence- t-that's the last one. There aren't anymore. I was going to wait until after the baby was born to give it to you, but I think that you need it now."

Spencer stared down at the letter, her trembling finger tracing Toby's words over and over again. Emily was at a loss of what to do now. She wished that Toby were here more than ever. But maybe that's what Spencer needed to hear. "I know that he's physically gone, but God, Spencer there's no way that a love like that ever dies. He's still looking out for you. He's still here. You just can't see him. But I drove by the accident site. I saw Caleb's car. The fact that you're alive is a miracle, let alone conscious, coherent, and about to give birth. He's still looking after you."

She took a deep breath before continuing. "And your daughter? She'll be okay. I know that, because I saw the way that Toby loved you. I saw the way that his eyes lit up every single time that you walked into the room. It didn't matter if you had been gone for hours or even minutes. As soon as his eyes were on you his smile lit up his entire face. If he was mad or sad it only took one look at you to dissolve all of that. He would have done anything for you, and he proved that time and time again. That same love will, without a doubt, extend to your daughter. He might never get to meet her, but he will still look out for her. That little girl has got the best angel on her side already. She'll be fine."

"I wish she had him," Spencer whispered so quietly that Emily had to strain to hear her.

So did she. But that's not what Spencer needed to hear. Think like Toby, Em. "That little girl is not going to have any shortage of love, Spencer. I'm not supposed to tell you this, but Hanna already has a closet full of things for her. She was planning on setting up the nursery while you were in the hospital. And I'm pretty sure I'm going to be the best aunt ever. But don't tell Hanna or Melissa."

Emily eyed the letter in Spencer's hands. "Do you want me to stay while you open it?"

Spencer nodded, so Emily settled back on the bed, holding onto Spencer in the only display of comfort that she could manage right now. Because if she talked she would cry. Emotions were running so high right now. That little girl had to be alright. She just had to. They were all depending on it.


End file.
